Found him 20 years ago and it's been love ever since. "Take This Waltz" may be my all time favorite song.
love thursday
We're celebrating big family news on this Love Thursday! Ellen made the safety patrol squad at her school! Her 7:15am training (yes, that's AM) started yesterday. I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel safer already.
And, as you can see, this is more than a commitment to protect and serve, this is her destiny.
Brent and Steve (my husband) - 1980. Yes, Ellen and Steve look exactly alike. Cute, huh?
Plus, she'll have enough baggage as the first-born daughter of two first-born, over-achieving rule-followers. At the very least, she deserves a whistle and a badge.
Brené Brown
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Printit's just a koozie
Steve: Charlie won't get out of the bed unless you get him and he wants you to get him dressed. He really has it bad for you.
Me: I know. It's crazy. I don't get it.
Steve: You don't get it? Are you serious? bug-eyed look conveying disbelief in my cluelessness
Me: huf. What? It's not me. What are you saying? getting pissy and defensive
Steve: No. You're great. I'm just saying that you pamper him more than I do.
Me: I do not! It's just a "mommy phase."
Steve: I think that -
Me: Hold that thought.
Steve: Where are you going?
Me: I'll be right back. Charlie wants a koozie for his sippie cup. His little hands get cold.
Steve: Deafening silence.
Me: (a quiet mumble from down the hall) Shit.
I heart cheese!
I'm starting to realize that part of soul-searching, truth-telling and practicing ordinary courage is stopping to feel and acknowledge joy. One of the hardest lessons from the past year is learning that leaning into pain and discomfort just to get comfortable with suffering is a really dangerous idea. Suffering and self-righteous "hard work" can become addictive and debilitating.
I think we lean into the discomfort of self-work so that we can eventually fall all the way through to happiness and joy. I have found so much support and grace sharing my struggles on this blog that it only seems fair to also share the joyful moments too. And I'm happy (really) to tell you that I have lots of good news to report. Some serious, some fun, some product and fashion-focused (which is serious too).
First, I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day yesterday. I put my PJs on at 1pm and stayed in them until this morning. It was great! Speaking of PJ's...Steve handed me a wrapped shirt box for my mother's day present and I broke into nervous laughter. He said, "I know. I went out on a limb." I peeled the paper off of the box, opened it up and found delicate tissue sealed closed with a sticker. The sticker was from a local lingerie store. My first thought was, "Oh no he diddent!" Surely, he didn't buy me lingerie for Mother's Day! I pulled the tissue open and Viola! The man is a rock star!!! Aren't these the best! He said, "I know you like cute PJs." Is there anything better than good PJs, handmade cards and couch time?
In other fashion news, I've sworn off the mall for fun, funky jewelry and I'm throwing my support to the awesome artisans from the blogosphere. I ordered this bracelet from Carissa over at The Brown-Eyed Fox. I've worn it twice and both times people have stopped to ask me about it. Love it!
I'm also wearing my new Allison Strine sassy pendant. I bought the one with a woman wearing cowboy boots on the front and reads, "She Doesn't Pretend to be Normal" on the back. It's sooooo me, n'est pas?
Now, from what I'm wearing to where I'm going (nice segue, huh?):
In big career news . . . I was just named the Behavioral Health Scholar-in-Residence at the Council on Alcohol Houston. What is behavioral health? So glad you asked. Behavioral health is the intersection between mental-health and addiction. Most people respond by saying, "Oh, like so many of the homeless who struggle with mental illness and addiction?" Yes. It's like that, but it's also more subtle and more common. In fact, when I talk about behavioral health in my workshops and lectures, I try to explain that all of us have different ways of numbing painful feelings like shame, anxiety, fear, disappointment, anger, vulnerability, and grief.
Sometimes we numb with substances like alcohol, drugs or food, and sometimes we numb in less obvious but equally destructive ways (like staying REALLY busy, gossiping, blogging, having affairs, etc.). It's not a question of "if" we numb, but how. This is a critical question because my research shows that when we numb pain and discomfort (and teach our children to do the same), we automatically dull our experiences of joy and compassion. Here is a slide from my parenting workshop. To varying degrees, I think we can all find ourselves on the lists:
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In related behavioral health news, I received an invitation from the Hazelden Women Healing Conference to join them as a speaker for their 2009 national tour. Check out the dates and location on my website. If you're in these areas and you're interested in attending a powerful, healing day, join us!
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Shame heal thySELF! There's a short article on my work in the May edition of SELF Magazine! How fun is that? Check it out on page 208! Yes, it's called "Tame your Shame" and there's a picture of a beautiful model looking cute and embarrassed rather than mortified and brimming with self-loathing, but she's the most honest reflection of how I look when I'm in shame. hee-hee-hee.
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I also stumbled across an article on my work written by Jean Chatzky. We did an interview together on Oprah and Friends radio. It's a great article on money, debt and shame. And, it too has a rhyming title (The Shame Game). Who says that shame isn't a sweet, sing-songy emotion?
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Speaking of cheese, anyone care for some shame con queso? Shout out to my friend Laura who has the best shame post EVER on her Blog con Queso. I'm totally down with the "let's kick shame's ass" approach to mental health. I'm even into the spitting (you'll need to read the comments for this one).
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And last, but not least . . . our friends at sk*rt have officially changed their name to kirtsy! So great. I'm sending tonsof love and respect to these fierce women. They've handled the name change with such courage and grace. Here's to the highroad. Here's to kirtsy!
Thanks for letting me share! Questions, comments and queso are always welcome!
love thursday
Today is Love Thursday over at Shutter Sisters and I'm celebrating one of the great loves of my life - teaching! I can hardly believe that I've taught at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work for 10 years.
Last week I learned that the graduating students selected me to hood them at graduation (hoods are part of the regalia for masters and doctoral students). Graduation rehearsal was tonight. This is a picture of me and Eric Johnson (one of our graduates who actually took four of my classes during his 2 years in the program). He's the tallest graduate in the class so we figured if I could get the hood on him, the others would be safe. The students walk on stage when their names are called. They carry their hood over their arms and as their graduate degrees are officially bestowed, I place the hood over their heads and around their shoulders. It's a very special tradition!
To the graduating class of 2008 - what an honor! I can't wait to spend graduation day with you! Thank you for all you have taught me.
And, thank you to Amy who took this picture and is graduating with her doctoral degree on Saturday. I'm sorry . . . Dr. Amy!
enough
It's been a rocky five weeks, but compared to a rocky year, I'm grateful. I feel like I've entered an intense learning period in my life. Diana once said, "Stop creating who you think you are supposed to be and start discovering who you are." I feel deep in discovery.
I recently had a huge courage infusion that I attribute to my new love for photography and Lynne Twist's book, The Soul of Money. I know it sounds like a weird combination, but hang with me for a minute.
In May of 2007, the Nobel Women’s Initiative held its first international conference in Galway, Ireland. The conference was in late May, which was about six solid months into the 2007 breakdown spiritual awakening. So many strange and amazing things happened during the days leading up to that trip and during my five days on the Conamara Coast. If 2007 was an awakening, this trip was that strange, terrifying moment when your eyes finally open and, without moving a muscle, you try to regain focus and remember where you are. It was the 2007 version of moving from the "ouch" to the “ooh.”
During the trip, I met Nancy Ingram and we became friends. Good, close, heart-connected friends. During one of our many long talks, I told her about wanting to let go of “scarcity” so I could experience more gratitude. I told her about my fears of “not doing enough” and “not selling enough books to make the publishers happy” and “not being enough.” When we started talking about success and money, Nancy said, “You have to read The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist!”
In April, my book club decided to read The Soul of Money and I offered to host the discussion dinner at my house.
Normally, if I’m going to host an evening like book club, it’s a big, hard thing. I start walking through my house noticing all of the things that I need to fix before I can have people over. I make lists of everything I need to buy and clean and redo. And, I don’t mean small things. I make lists like:
1. Paint house
2. Replace furniture in living room
3. Tear down wall between kitchen and living room
4. Landscape front yard
I also start planning elaborate menus. Menus that cost too much to make and take way too much time.
This time, I decided to stay very mindful about my scarcity issues. In her book, Lynne says this about scarcity:
A few weeks before our book club dinner, I walked through my house and focused on all of the "not enough" things that I hate and worry about other people seeing and judging. I called my scarcity demons out into the open so I could see them and befriend them. I made myself focus on them, stare at them and take pictures. As I walked through my house, I quickly realized that focusing on these imperfections was a choice that stripped my life and my home of the context of sufficiency.
During the trip, I met Nancy Ingram and we became friends. Good, close, heart-connected friends. During one of our many long talks, I told her about wanting to let go of “scarcity” so I could experience more gratitude. I told her about my fears of “not doing enough” and “not selling enough books to make the publishers happy” and “not being enough.” When we started talking about success and money, Nancy said, “You have to read The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist!”
In April, my book club decided to read The Soul of Money and I offered to host the discussion dinner at my house.
Normally, if I’m going to host an evening like book club, it’s a big, hard thing. I start walking through my house noticing all of the things that I need to fix before I can have people over. I make lists of everything I need to buy and clean and redo. And, I don’t mean small things. I make lists like:
1. Paint house
2. Replace furniture in living room
3. Tear down wall between kitchen and living room
4. Landscape front yard
I also start planning elaborate menus. Menus that cost too much to make and take way too much time.
This time, I decided to stay very mindful about my scarcity issues. In her book, Lynne says this about scarcity:
“For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of. We don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course, we don’t have enough money – ever.
We’re not thin enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not pretty enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, or rich enough – ever.
Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds race with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack.
What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life.”
A few weeks before our book club dinner, I walked through my house and focused on all of the "not enough" things that I hate and worry about other people seeing and judging. I called my scarcity demons out into the open so I could see them and befriend them. I made myself focus on them, stare at them and take pictures. As I walked through my house, I quickly realized that focusing on these imperfections was a choice that stripped my life and my home of the context of sufficiency.
There are too many bikes and toys, too much pollen, too many dump trucks and excavators, too many windows painted shut, a bathtub that always looks really dirty because of the previous owner's unsuccessful refinishing efforts, chipped paint, stained AC vents and crooked paint lines.
Here’s how Lynne defines sufficiency:
“We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mindset of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. By sufficiency, I don’t mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn’t two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn’t a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn’t an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough.I spent some time thinking about my lovely home. I thought about my kids and Steve. I thought about all of the great times in my house. I thought about all of the really hard, sad times and how my house held me and comforted me. Then, I called on sufficiency. With camera in hand, I walked through my house and took pictures of everything I love. The little things that make me smile. Same house, same problems, same imperfections, but this time I was giggling and reminiscing and grateful. My home felt full. It is enough. I am enough.
Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think about our circumstances. In our relationships with money, it is using money in a way that expresses our integrity; using it in a way that expresses value rather than determines value. Sufficiency is not a message about simplicity or about cutting back and lowering expectations. Sufficiency doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive or aspire . . . sufficiency is a context we bring forth from within that reminds us that if we look around us and within ourselves, we will find what we need. There is always enough.”
My twinkle lights, Charlie and Ellen's art gallery, fresh flowers, rations, the family calendar, my hopeful angel, the women of the TV, the mother with child.
Book club was great. I decided to make it an international potluck to honor the book’s message of community and sharing. It was a great night and I’m going to keep working on being enough. For me, that means watching out for fear, shame and scarcity and practicing more courage, compassion and connection!
And, would you believe . . . I got to meet Lynne in April. When Nancy recommended her book, I had no idea that Lynne was working with the Nobel Women's Initiative. A very small group of us spent a few days together in Virginia. She has an incredibly authentic and loving spirit. I love this picture. I'm the one with the big star-struck smile! I'm going to interview her for the Inspiration Series later this year.
If you have any thoughts or ideas on scarcity, sufficiency or the journey to "being enough" - please share! It's so much nicer to travel with friends!