dedicated to jen. on her birthday.

When we were in Oregon this summer, Jen and I were chatting at the table when she looked down and said, "Oooh. I love that ring."  I smiled and glanced down at my hand. Then she said, "That ring has a good story. What is it?" 

Now, c'mon. I get a lot of comments on my David Tishbi ring, but NEVER has anyone looked at it and said, "It has a story." That is pure Jen Lemen. She is a woman of the story.

Of course, the ring does have a story. I bought it for myself for my 40th birthday. I saw it and I loved it. I didn't even realize that it had moving parts until I tried it on.

A couple of days after buying it, I found myself in a familiar situation. Someone needed wanted asked me to do something that I didn't have the time, energy, or inspiration to do. Rather than saying "yes" right away, I stood there (looking crazy, I'm sure) and thinking. When I turned 40, I promised myself to be more thoughtful about saying yes when I really need to say no AND saying no when I really need to say yes.

As I stood there, I suddenly realized that I was spinning the little rings on my new ring. Each spin gave me confidence. It was a reminder about the real gifts of turning 40.

I said no. I chose discomfort over resentment.

For the last couple of years, this ring has been my reminder. I use it almost every single day. It doesn't always work, but it helps. Here's a little demonstration:

When I told Jen this story she said, "Promise me you'll blog about it."  I can't think of a better day for this post.

Happy 40th Jen!  Thank you for reminding all of us about the power of saying "Yes" to love and tenderness.

And, for all of you out there with special strategies for saying "no!" and "yes!" . . . do tell! 

Comments

[Chris]

That ring is SO the bomb. Where'd you get it and where can I get one? And I'm sure I'll need one for each finger so I can spin them all and say that to myself when I'm being inudated by 100 people at once! LOVE it, girlfriend. You rock.

[Chris]

Okay. I saw the link for the ring. I got so excited I had overlooked it at first. THanks!

[sherry]

What a wonderful gift to give someone for their milestone birthday -- knowledge!!! The ring is beautiful and I love Jen's belief that everything has a story. How right she is!

[nyjlm]

wow- what a super ring, and an amazing hidden treasure!
When I say no I am usually not afraid to reference my own mental health as a priority, however much I'd like to help the person. I love the way you phrase it- discomfort vs resentment. Ah yes, a wee bit of discomfort is definitely preferable.

[ELK]

This was in my e-mail box when i returned home from teach 8 preschool music classes:
"we still need a few special volunteers to bake some homemade cookies, as follows:
3 doz Oatmeal Cookies
3 doz Peanut Butter Cookies
6 doz Snicker Doodle Cookies
3 batches of fudge"

before I replied I opened my blog and saw a new post from you with video (bonus) wow is that what I needed today! I have really gotten good at choosing when to say yes..but I have a 10 year head start ~ blessings

[Heidi Fischbach]

The super ring. Awesome. I just posted this blog entry on my facebook wall--and I hope lots of my peeps come visit your page.

Something about saying no that I like to remember is that a no to you/someone is a yes to me. Byron Katie taught me that and its great to remember. And I notice that I love people who say no to me sometimes because when they do say yes, I know it's honest and that they really want to do whatever it is. Thank you for this, as always. xo heidi

[Joan]

Bet those rings are going to sell, sell, sell! Why don't have a "Brene's favorite things" blog? Like Oprah! We need to know all the goodies that you love!
Great post. I am on the cusp of 50 and the "no" thing gets easier, but it will always be work!
joan

[jessica]

hmm, that is a toughie. people do not ask me for things very often. when they do, i usually do it. When I feel the need to say no, I think "If this is not the kind of person who can understand why I am saying No, then this is not the kind of person who deserves a Yes."
i guess that this is also true because i have a PRE step. i just don't go to functions, or participate in social activities, or hang out with people who I do not have a genuine connection and liking for.so, usually if someone asks something of me, it is someone i like, and i am happy to do so.
however i dont have kids, or bake sales, or pta's etc. so perhaps i will be taking your very good advice on into the next (baby) phase of my life!

[Chris]

I was told the first sign of maturity was the ability to say No. At 42 It's still hard sometimes but as I become more confident in my decisions and worry less about what people will think of me. It gets easier.

PS Nice ring.

[andrea]

oh my god.

that just made my week.

i adore you.

[lu]

loved this post and the story of the ring.

[tekeal]

i'm in the process of tuning-in for/ & creating meaningful rituals, reminders, rites of passage etc. as my 40th birth day approaches next spring... and i love your ring and what you use it for. thanks for sharing it in honour of a friend.

[GailNHB]

Love the post. Love the ring.

I had a chance to practice this principle last night. I was invited to a Mary Kay thing by someone I don't know well at all - and she was inviting me to an event hosted by someone I don't know at all. "Ummm... Thanks for inviting me, but no, thanks. I don't want to go." She wasn't offended. And I wasn't resentful. Yes!!!

It was easier to say "no" than I thought, too.

[Whitney]

Enjoyed this post.

[jen lemen]

thanks, brene! i love that story, that ring and most of all you!! xo

[Pamela]

I loved the video, Brene! I have a ring like that, but it's way too big for me right now. You've just inspired me to get a new one when the opportunity arises!

[dawnfh]

i loved hearing your voice...thanks for the peek into your world.

[deb]

I like the ring and loved your demonstration.

[carissa]

that's a magical ring... and oh so pretty too!
i think i very well may need something like that... "yes" tends to blurt out too often! :)
neat to have that peek inside your room... you're so fun!

[Barbara]

Okay, so there was an outstanding request for me to teach Sunday School and I didn't really want to and I watched so intently to see what you would say. (I couldn't say no, either). But I would SO say no to cupcakes..

[Lucy]

Gorgeous ring, beautiful thought. Thank you :)

[Michelle]

I read this post and loved it. Watched your video and then watched it again and couldn't help but giggle.

The next day however, someone very close to me (my mum) asked me to do something and I didn't want to say 'yes'. So, I remembered your post and took a slow deep breath and said 'no - I would find it difficult to do what she wanted but if she was really stuck, then I'd help her - but count me as a last resort, rather than the first one, in this instance'.

I am 40. I have never said 'No' to my mum before and I don't usually if ever say No to anyone else for that matter. But my mum can be tricky!

Brene.. I sat with 'discomfort' all afternoon... I guess I'm so used to occasional resentment that I felt odd. Weird. This was a new emotion but also strangely liberating. I felt like I had done something that I'd never done before. I kept wanting to reach for the phone and to say 'I'll do it, don't worry'.. but deep down, I wanted to be true to myself for a change. How strange is that? 40 and being this worried!

I waited for the possible fall out. The silence. The change in her tone of voice when I saw her next. But it didn't come. In fact she called later and said 'You made me think - I panicked.. I didn't need to ask you after all'.

Thank you Brene.

[sunny]

1. beautiful, beautiful ring. gorgeous!
2. lovely to hear your voice. LOVE it...and your authenticity....letting us see the laundry and the jjill catalog and hear your inner struggle with saying "no".
3. sorry...I was giggling a bit too as I watched the video because as you spin the ring, it looks like you have three 1/2-fingers..... or three really short fingers. (if you watch it and pause it during your "deliberation" time...you'll see what I mean.) I do know that you have five fingers. Or I assume so.
4. It took me until I was 35 or so (I just turned 40) to learn that it's okay to say "no"...because in life... it's not an easy thing to realize that you are replaceable. I am not the only person in the country who can bake cookies or drive someone somewhere or help with three ministries at church. by saying "no", you're allowing the person who asked you to register your answer and then move on to asking someone else. Obviously, I use my judgment. If someone is really in a bind and I can help fill the need, then of course I say yes. and emergencies are always things I help out with without asking.

I had a hard time saying "no" or giving notice in a job. Then I had to realize that yes, I can leave a job - especially if it's draining me - and they somehow will move on as well (it's business) and find someone else who is better suited for the job or who will be happier there than I will be. I had to coach a friend along in this.....but she stayed in her job until she was laid off. She felt a loyalty to an employer who treated her badly.

Anyway - you bring up a good topic and I love that you shared your thought process with us.

I'm new to your blog...and I have to say I ADORE the outfit you wore in that hotel room - with the black/white/tan and the clogs. I ADORE my dansko clogs but would feel conspicuous sometimes. But now I won't feel that way! they're me! (and uh..you too..you are danskos too)

[Susan]

Sometimes I have the opposite problem...a knee-jerk "no" (self-protective mode, I presume) vs a thoughtful "yes"...I think these strategies work both ways!

Like many, I'd never seen a ring that intrigued me quite so much. Thanks to your post and David's link, I looked around and found the ring that will be my future wedding band...love it, love it!

Thanks for all...xoxo

[carissa]

Ahhhh THE STORY behind the ring! Yay, and thanks for sharing... love the little video visual! :)

I totally want a reminder ring.. and these days I seem to really need it!!

discomfort over resentment... am chanting it now. :)

And PS I live in Oregon I was all... DANG!!! :)

[Pam]

I need a ring like that! I'm 41 and I'm really working on that word no. For example today I have 4 extra kids ranging from 8 month to 8 yrs old. Why do I do this to myself! Thanks for the encouragement and I might have to find my ring someday!

~Pam

[Veronica Brown]

This story stuck with me, and I have quoted it in our Fruition Factors blog. It will appear on Tuesday, January 3, 2012. I linked back to this post, and plugged "Hustling for Worthiness." Thank you for a wonderful story and technique that continues to inspire.