photo school drop-out

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on giving up my fear of photography for Lent. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but it was something along the lines of cultivating joy and reconnecting with my creative side, blah, blah, blah.  

I took the first of my four classes last Saturday. It was six hours of apertures and f-stops. The theme for this Intro to Photography class was "Shoot in raw. Only in manual. Always with a tripod."

My mom and I sat in the back with the other icon-dependent Sweathogs: “Ooh-ooh-ooooh! Mr. Kotter! Can I use the running man icon at my kid’s soccer game?”

I left that class thinking, “It's a frickin' miracle that I've ever taken a decent picture in my life.”

When I got home, I put my camera away (I thought possibly for good) and stuffed my homework in my overflowing "to be filed" basket. On Monday, I called and cancelled the rest of my classes.

Where is Frankie Avalon when you need him . . .

Your story sad to tell,
A middle-age ne'er do well,
Most mixed up non-crafter on the block!
Your future's so unclear now,
What's left of your creativity now?
Can't even get a trade in on your smile!

Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala...)

Photo school dropout,
No graduation day for you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way in a classroom. But, I guess it’s been a long time since I’ve been a student. As a college professor, my class experiences all happen from the other side of the desk. I had lost touch with the feelings associated with “not getting it.” I forgot what it feels like to have your enthusiasm and eagerness crushed by the awkwardness of being new at something.  

This was a good experience for me. Teaching is incredibly important to me and I believe that classrooms are sacred spaces, regardless of what is being taught. My experience as a struggling student was a good reminder that honoring eagerness and excitement is as important as imparting information.

More than anything, it’s good for me to be new at something. I need to be in that miserable place where I want to rationalize away my desire to learn and push back the temptation to just quit and go back to something I know. Being new at something can suck. But, it also serves as a great reminder of how hard people work at their craft.

It’s easy to get frustrated when I go visit the Shutter Sisters site and see all of the beautiful pictures. I need to remember that they are artists at work. Yes, they seem to really enjoy it, but that doesn’t discount those two words - work and art.

I spend hours admiring the work of people like Ali Edwards and Amanda Soule . I want to wake up and be able to put something together – anything – that looks like they've had a hand in it. But my stuff is terrible. I just bought my first glue gun (yes, that’s sad). Every single crafty thing I’ve tried to make looks crappy. There’s glue drool everywhere. It’s good for me. I need to remember how much work and talent there is in their craft. I admire it because it’s wonderful and artful. That’s work. 

I want to jump on SquareSpace (which I love) and whip up amazing things like Krystyn Heide does on her site. I get frustrated when I can’t make things work and wonder how she does it. Then I remember, oh yea, she’s been doing this for years. She works at it (it's literally her job). Everyday.

We had a lovely spring preview in Houston on Sunday – sunny and 85. I pulled out the camera, put away my fear and crawled around the yard taking pictures. At one point I was actually lying on my stomach, camera in hand, yelling, "Shit. It's a bee," while Farrah was on the other end of my cell phone explaining (for the third time), "No, the hole gets smaller as the numbers get bigger."   Farrah (my good friend and photographer extraordinaire) is helping me learn in a way that feels fun and exciting. She’s even posting her lessons. Check it out!

I put together this little spring mosaic of my favorite four yard pictures (I took over 30 pictures and it took me 2 hours to figure out how to use Flickr).  4 out of 30 isn’t very good and the blooms are still small, but at least I know there’s somewhere for all of us to grow!

 

I'm grateful for the artists like the Shutter Sisters, Ali, Amanda, Krysten and Farrah who share their work and their ideas. Their blogs are also sacred classrooms.

Before I sign-off, I need to thank Jen Lemen and Rachelle Mee-Chapman -  two teachers who are strangers, but have managed to be very supportive as I attempt to reclaim my inner crafter. Their Small is Beautiful Manifesto is so powerful that I decided to join the movement (see my Passionate Blog badge on the left navi bar).

Here it is:

We believe stories are valuable, no matter how many people read them.
We believe following your passion is more important that watching your site meter.
We believe in the handmade, the first try, the small start, and the good effort.
We believe that small is beautiful.

 

Today I'm grateful for surviving being new at teaching, writing and running. Those were all so scary and painful (and can still be).

 

And, I'll reconsider trying the things I'd love to do if I didn't have to be new, like yoga, scrapbooking and photoshop.

 

Care to share? Are you grateful for not being new at something? Your survival story might help us!

 

Is there something you'd love to try if you didn't have to be new? 

Comments

[Jen A.]

Your post resonates with me deeply. I used to be so fearful of being new...being a student of something...because I hated school. I HATED SCHOOL!

But, in the last year and a half, I've taken up the guitar, committed to doing a triathlon (while learning more than I ever cared to know about bicycle gear-shifting and chaffing in private areas), and begun (kinda unsuccessfully) sewing.

I guess I figure I'm not getting any younger, so I better take the bull by the horns and TRY those things I've always wanted to do. Whether or not I'll be GOOD at it or even ENJOY these things remains to be seen (except the guitar...I'm a wanna be rock star...).

As for the photography...I also realized that while I ooooh and aaaaahh over the amazing shots taken by those amazing photographers--I do not see the same thing through the lens of my camera that they see. Sure, I could improve my technigue, but to actually BE AS GOOD AS THEY ARE is probably not a feasible dream.

So, I'm trying harder to just be me. It's a lot easier. And, whether it's a good day or bad day, no one else is as good at being me than I am. :)

You're pretty great at being yourself, by the way.

[Brené]

love your post jen! it reminded me to go back to my six-word memoir post:
"I am my only unique contribution." Sewing and chaffing - talking about courage!

[Dawn]

So, after all that, are you going to cancel your cancel? I'd stick with Farrah, she's a friend and accessible - what could be better. I miss you mucho!

[Vanessa]

The thing about photography (and I'm speaking as an admirer, not as a practitioner) is that it's about a way of seeing everything with a fresh eye. It's about a desire to see things anew.

You'll be a great photographer. You know why? All those things you mentioned that used to be new to you--teaching, writing, running. Even when they are old hat, they still require a fresh eye. Teaching demands open eyes and an open mind. Everyday. Ditto for writing. And running, it opens up that brain, clears away the cobwebs. Makes everything new.

So, you're not really new to photography. You already have a photographer's spirit. It's just all the gadgetry that gets in the way. If you could just figure out f stop.

I was really moved by this post because everything is feeling so new to me these days. All those things that used to be old hat, I'm having to relearn--teaching, running, having adult conversation. And I keep having to remind myself that even though I'll be starting from scratch, I'll be able to master all of them again soon enough. So, I was feeling sorry for myself and read your post and right after I went to Kal's Barteki's site http://lovelife.typepad.com/my_weblog/ and it was like you were both sending me a message. Don't be afraid. Just go. Do.

Thanks for the inspiration!

[Brené]

OK - not sure we're supposed to respond to comments on our own blog, but isn't this blog about breaking the rules? maybe that's what trackback means, who knows?

Vanessa!!! Here's what's weird. A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon a blog and fell in love. I spent hours reading and learning. In fact, this artist had a lesson on using water color pencils that I found so intriguing, that I bought some (I've never drawn a thing in my life - it was my first trip to an art store).I think I even mentioned the pencils in my post on activism. Well . . . I lost her name and couldn't find it in my history. I've looked and looked. Guess what? It's lovelife.typepad.com. holy freaky universe. I can't believe it!

[jen lemen]

i completely love this site and wish you so many blessings for a fear-free photographing lent! everything you are doing here is amazing.

[UpsideUp]

i'm here to second jen lemen and also to assure you that 4 out of 30 is a really really really good ratio. especially when you achieved some beautiful photos. professional photographers shoot literally hundreds of photos sometimes to get one good shot. the great thing about it is this: you only need one good one for the endeavor to be a success. and here, you've got four. full disclosure is not only not necessary (ie, you don't have to tell us how many shots you took to get the good one), but it's not surprising. i say keep going. the best way to take good pictures is to take a LOT of pictures!

i'll be back to visit, for sure.

xo

[Beverly]

I really enjoyed the story of the photo-school dropout. It resonated on so many levels. First, I teach too and I do get overly wedded to the title of "teacher," "expert," and even occassionally "dispenser of wisdom." And perhaps ifwe are overly attached to those roles it is even harder to pick up the roles of student, fumbler, or as my military son informs me, the FNG (F--king New Guy). So I appreciate your bravery in embracing the new. It inspires me to step outside my comfort zone and be the fumbling, nervous student again.

Also, I think I am also overly wedded to traditional notions of success. Is is how many people read your work or visit your site? How many books you've published or lectures you've given? Or is it really how much fun you've had or how much you enjoy your results?

You've given me lots to think about.

Beverly

[Elizabeth]

I just wandered over to your blog by some circuitous route and I am so happy I did. Your post really resonated with me, as I read many of those same blogs and have many of those same thoughts ("HOW do they do it?") and aspirations towards creativity. I tell myself that learning to be a photographer, crafter, writer, and inspirer of others is a lifelong process and I'm just at the beginning. Thanks for sharing!

[Elaine]

I came to your blog via jen lemen's post today and I don't want to leave. But I have to go back to work.

I know I will come back as soon as I can.

BTW, I had my Canon point-and-shoot for 6 months before I was brave enough to take my first photo.

Today, if I didn't have to be new at it, I'd like to write a REAL poem, not just play with words.

[mousewords]

I found your blog through Jen's Twitter post today, and your voice just tugged at my heart! As a professional artist, I hear many people say they wish they could be artistic. But I keep saying, everyone is an artist of some kind. Everyone is unique. There is no contest, no criteria for being "good."

My teen sister (stacyjmt.com) is a photographer--she's studying now, but she's a photographer because she loves it. If you love it, if you even just enjoy it enough to try it, it's art and it's perfect.

I hope you bring your own unique vision to the world, in any way you desire. Have fun! Enjoy the journey!

And if I didn't have to be new at it, I would take a journey and see what I can discover. (And I'm finally planning to do it soon!)

Best to you!

[Renae C]

I decided to do the "going back to school" thing even though it meant being new. It has been scary and uncomfortable - especially since it is a 180 degree turn from where I had been in life. But it's also been the most wonderful thing I've done in a really long time. The thing that made it possible was the support of a few key people.

So I love this blog post. If we can encourage others to step out and do what they are passionate about, even if it's new, and hard, and scary - then we have done something worthwhile.

Keep taking pictures, keep painting, keep singing, keep writing, keep creating, keep learning, keep teaching, keep encouraging others to do the same.

[Hay]

I stumbled acroos your blog from the Shutter Sisters, I was immediately taken with how beautiful your background and header are!
Your photos are gorgeous. I guess I am at a similar stage in my photograpic journey as you, and it can be overwhelming! I

[Hay]

opps, darn laptop. Sorry! Any way, I was saying that in the end I stopped worrying about the science of photography and concerntrated on the art. Keep doing what you are doing, it's wonderful!

[nyjlm]

I hope that you'll keep the part of the resolution not to be afraid of photography. The best way to become a better photographer is to take more photos :) Even if the class isn't for you at this point, keep it up.
I was very fortunate a few years ago to have a digital slr fall into my hands. My Dad is a pro photog (he does birds/nature, and is at the top of his field) and was gifted a non-pro body that he had no need for. Despite Dad's attempts to teach me about fstops and shutter speed way back when he first started shooting, I never understood all that and was content to shoot on the fully automatic modes. I decided that this year I would figure out the advanced parts of the camera's dial. I haven't had my Dad sit me down and give me yet another lesson, I simply read the pertinent parts of my manual, went out and started shooting, every single day. Through trial and error, practice, and lots of deleting, I am getting the hang of shutter speed and fstop. I've had a lot of fun.

[Melody A.]

I don't think photography needs to be about looking at others work and wishing that that could be you. It's looking at other's work and being inspired to create how you do best. Sometimes it may be with your camera and sometimes it may be with your watercolor pencils. The camera is just the machine. It's not the eye or the soul. So when you take a picture, whether it's "perfect" or not, you've created it and can now pass it on.

[linni]

Brene,
I sent you an email...and this one is following on that one.

After the coaching this afternoon, I realised I compare my work with ARTISTS that's been doing their thing for years!

If we could just re-focus and look at ourselves...without comparing with others...imagine how GREAT our work will be?!

I've also got all the art material that I want to use...*sigh....it's time! xx