celebrating or erasing Irish freckles?

A couple of weeks ago, I read an article in Newsweek about the growing number of parents asking photographers to retouch their children’s photos. I had a very strong reaction to the article – judgment, confusion, guilt, anger and even some sadness. I knew I’d eventually write about it, but I also knew I needed to sit with for while. I needed to let the dark emotion clouds pass so I could think, feel and write my way to my real feelings. I wanted to figure out what it means for me as a parent, as someone who loves photographing my children and, of course, as a shame researcher. 

Well, last week, just as I was getting closer to understanding my own feelings, I was emailing with a woman who told me that her daughter “doctored up” all of her granddaughters’ pictures before she sent them out to the grandparents. When I asked what she meant by “doctoring them up” – she explained that her daughter erased most of her young daughters’ freckles and made their teeth whiter. She was concerned because her 10-year old granddaughter was starting to really “talk down” about herself.

What does this mean?

Is this a big deal or is this just about picture-taking?

What’s OK and what’s not OK?

What about changing bone structure or straightening that crooked nose?

I don’t know if there are right or wrong answers. But, I do think these are questions that need to be asked and discussions that need to happen.  And, I do think that there are answers that work for me and answers that don’t.

As a lightly freckle-faced mom with a beautiful, freckle-faced daughter (married to really cute freckly-faced guy), erasing freckles feels hurtful to me.  In fact, I won’t even let my daughter read this post because I’m not ready for her to learn that someone could think that she is anything but beautiful, freckles and all. I took this picture earlier today at my niece's St. Patty's Day parade. I love it because it celebrates the Irish part of her heritage and her wonderful freckles.

In my research, I’ve sat across from hundreds of men and women and listened to them painfully recall the moment they realized that they weren’t good enough. I just can’t help but believe that those life-changing moments can and will happen when our children see pictures of themselves that we’ve made “better” by erasing permanent parts of who they are.

I’m not talking about erasing dried oatmeal or boogers. I’m not against taking away something that doesn’t normally belong there. I’m also not talking about changing color or textures. I love the way people can use Photoshop to artfully play with photography.  This is different.

I wonder if our eyes have become so programmed for perfection that we can’t see ordinary beauty without criticizing or wondering how we can make it a little better, a little softer, a little cleaner, a little brighter, or a little smoother. Just a little more perfect.

When Farrah took my picture for the back of the book I told her, “Make sure it looks like me. Leave the wrinkles and freckles. I don’t want to scare people when they meet me for the first time.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen and heard event producers look at speakers they’re meeting for the first time and say, “Oh wow. You don’t look anything like your picture.” The subtext here is, “Your headshot is wishful thinking.” People are afraid to put something real out there. Agents, editors and publicists are constantly reminding us about the importance of being “media friendly.”

Even if we decide to Photoshop ourselves beyond recognition, I still think it’s different when we start messing with our children. If a parent erases a child’s freckles, moles or acne, what message does that send to a child who has to face the world as a whole, imperfect person? I fear that the message is, “You’re not good enough just like you are.”

I'd love to hear what you think. 

just a note: I think it's helpful to remember that having different ideas about this doesn't mean we love our children less or more OR that we are better parents. I know it's difficult to speak our truths and simultaneously filter so we don't hurt feelings or judge, but I think it's important to focus comments on what works for us versus what everyone else should be doing.

Update on Wednesday, March 19, 2008 by Brené Brown

I've been thinking a lot about all of your comments. First, let me thank everyone for their thoughtfulness and honesty. I think comments are like little gifts. I really am grateful that you take the time to share your thoughts with me and the other readers - thank you.

This is a really tough issue because I don't think we can separate our feelings about "retouching our kids" and our own self-concept. And, honestly, I don't think we should. One of the most shocking things I've learned in the last 2 years has come out of my research on parenting and shame. Don't expect a revelation, because it's something we all know. It's just that I didn't really get it until now.

Here's what I've learned: We can't truly teach our children to love and accept who they are if we don't love and accept who we are. I think there has always been a part of me that wanted to believe that I could get a "do over" with Ellen and Charlie. I could teach them to love themselves, imperfections and all, without having to REALLY embrace my own fear of being inadequate. After spending years talking to men and women, I don't believe it works.

A good example of this from my research is mothers, daughters and body image. If we tell our daughters (or sons) to love their bodies, but they see us hating our own, guess which has the greatest influence on their level of self-acceptance? By far, our relationships with our own bodies have the greatest impact on our children's body image.

I finally get that loving and accepting ourselves is the greatest gift we can give our children. It's just so damn hard sometimes.  I guess the good news is that it's OK to embrace our imperfections . . . imperfectly.

Comments

[dawn]

I am embarrassed to say, but I sometimes try not to get pictures with Harrsion's double chin. How sad is that! You are right, I need to embrace his cute face, double chin and pink eye (again). Isn't it the things that make us unique, the same things that make us special and loved??? BTW - you look beautiful on your book jacket and in real life.

[Laura]

We are a family of unruly red hair and my son has to tell the adults around him on picture day to leave his hair alone. Truly, they come at him with combs. I told him, just say you like your hair just the way it is. We love your hair just the way it is.

And I've had other parents say, Oh it's so sad he didn't have that cute haircut in the class picture.

I hope I will always cherish these photos of him with his unruly mop of hair...

[Renae C]

I'm spending a lot of time and money at the present moment trying to reclaim who I am from the "not quite good enough" messages I got as a kid. My parents were not tecnically adept enough to doctor photos of me, but I got the message anyway.

I am working extremely hard to make sure my two daughters know they are beautiful and cherised just the way they are. It would have never crossed my mind to doctor ordinary pictures. Maybe if I were spending big bucks on a portrait or something really special - but even then, I'd want the picture to reflect who they really are - freckles and wild curls and dimples and all.

Reading this one makes me sad. Sad for my own image of me, sad for the mountains my girls will have to climb in the fight for their own positive self image, sad for us as a society that places such a premium on perfection instead of looking for that divine spark in every soul that makes each of us unique and beautiful just as we are.

[Liz]

Great subject matter you have put out there! Something I think about a lot as it applies to so many of those "hard" lessons and all the insecurities we harbor about ourselves. It's all about surface vs. depth. I don't have children myself, so I can only speak to the issue of my "own" issues. Our society and our families and friends all seem to be so hard on each other, and thus we become ashamed or embarrassed about ourselves: the crooked teeth, the less than perfect model thin body, the grey hairs coming in, the lines on our faces. We have all been taught in some way shape or form that we are not good enough, not perfect enough, not "right" enough, and I ask myself all the time, "where does it end?"

When it comes to children though, I find it sad that there is a tendency to want to make a photo look more like we would like them to look. It sends a harsh message, and children pick up on these messages even when not delivered directly.

I wish for all us humans that we could celebrate who we are, just as we are, in all shapes, in all forms, instead of worshipping what has been decided on as "perfect". Freckles, lines, double chins, pigeon toes, flabby arms, buck teeth, are sometimes what we have been given and I just think if we all try to remember that the miracle is this life we have been gifted to live to our fullest and most "livable", to stretch beyond the boundaries of the surface of things: because after all it is the depth of our love, our care, our passions, our faults and foibles, our joy and our radiance that are the "real" things in this journey of our lives.

[christy]

I am saddened by the whole idea of it! I fear for those parents when their child asks, "Why?" (And you know they will.) How will they answer? What could they possibly say?

[Monica]

Interesting topic. Three things come to mind.

1. My daughter has got a bunch of freckles all over her nose. She loves them. I love the people who tell her how cute she is with them.

2. My son has a coloboma in both eyes. People who see him may notice his irregularly shaped pupils. Many people comment on his eyes, telling me he has great big eyes. I think they just can't place what looks different about his eyes, b/c his eyes aren't that big. One of my girlfriends, who has an eye defect herself, upon noticing Kalem's defect told me the coloboma made just made him look more adorable. I loved this too, especially coming from my girlfriend. Not sure how we'll approach this as he gets older. I'm glad he's a boy ... I think it's easier for boys. Why? Is it their dna or the way we nurture them differently?

3. I would like to start appreciating my own appearance, here and now. When I look at current pictures of myself I come away with all sorts of "I wish I looked better," thoughts (it's always been this way with regards to my pictures). But when I look back at pictures from 3, 4 ... 15 years ago, I think, "wow, I was really beautiful". I want to appreciate my beauty, here and now.

[deb]

I feel a little guilty because I erased the drool off my daughter's chin. She is fifteen though but you're right, that's what she really looks like. It doesn't bother her but I guess it still bothers me somewhat. Must or I wouldn't have bothered. Thanks for making me think. I need to respect her differences, not try and erase them.

[B.]

My husband especially appreciates/likes the round shape of my stomach which fills me with enormous mixed feelings. I would like to make peace with the roundness but haven't yet, Like most women I expect my stomach to be perfectly flat and tight (it isn't and never will be!) but also I am grateful that he doesn't have my hangup about it.

Sometimes I'd like to "Photoshop" those hateful parts of my mind.

I hope I've done a better job with my appreciation of my children's variations. I think so.

[linni]

Hi Brene,

I have 2 thoughts that come rushing to the surface:

In the beginning I felt really uncomfortable using photoshop at all... because it take away 'what you really see in the photo'... until I realized it is up to me which functions I use. One day I was bored and took a photo of a friend and I and played in photoshop. We laughed for hours, but at the end, preferred ourselves today (the original photo)...because we know who we are.

My brother is a professional photographer and took some photos of us the one day...(about 2 years ago). I looked at the digital photo and said...no...delete it....in which he replied: "you should start loving yourself the way you are... you have to face it..that is how you look'.

It was like a cold bucket of water thrown into my face...I was shell shocked and could not believe his words. I went to the mirror (a few days later) looked at myself and ask myself what do i love about my face..and and and...today I love myself, just the way I am.

What is the secret? I think building self-esteem, taking MORE silly photos, giving their children the confidence to pose/smile for photos!

Should they change the photos...no...I love blurry photos, just because they are not perfect. We get brought up in a society where we all have to be 'perfect' ;in all the facets of what society believe we have to be.

If we are ever so lucky to have children, I would teach them to do everything...whether they can or not, but to do it with a full heart, loving who they are, and being proud of that. xx

[Debbie O]

Wow. This topic is so huge and important. I've spent a lot of time helping teenage girls critically look at media and addressing the fact that most of the images they see are "touched up" and therefore not real. I've never thought about it before but I guess with new technology these teens have the ability to "touch up" their own photos. Many of them have a significant number of friends online that they never meet in person. Now I wonder how many of them touch up their own images on their my space pages. How does that affect them? Yet another way for teen girls to desperately try to stay connected and at the same time lose themselves?

[Trish]

When I was 17 and had my senior picture taken for the yearbook, I definitely wanted the photographer to get rid of a big nasty pimple that had bloomed on my right cheek as I didn't want to be remembered as "that girl with the zit." I'm glad that I had that minor retouching done. It's funny, when I look at my senior picture, I still remember the pimple, but I'm glad as hell that it's not there. I do not, however, have the same feelings when I look back at pictures of myself as a child; instead, I am pleased by the imperfections, the bad teeth, the braces, the overwide smile (probably attempting to compensate for I-don't-know-what), the sallow skin, the bad hair, all of it. It is a record of who I was and it allows me to trace the experience of who I remember being, in some respects, simply because I looked the way that I looked. What's especially dear to me is looking at pictures from times when I knew that I was possessed of an exceptional confidence in my life-- like the year when I signed all of my school papers, "Tricia the Great" (much to my old-fasioned teacher's dismay)-- and being impressed that I felt that good even looking the way that I did-- a little rangy and awkward. It would be a loss of my personal history if all of those moments frozen in all of those images had been altered-- especially without my knowing it, so that I would be able to integrate the action with the result-- as I am able to do when reflecting upon my 17-year-old self. I would not seek to have my children's pictures altered for that reason, but if my kids in their senior year want to have a blemish or two photoshopped, I will be fine with that. I don't think there's a crime in wanting to put your best face forward for the record... especially for a sensitive teen.

I guess I don't feel the same way about wrinkles, however. Having turned 40 recently, I think I want to be photographed as I am, wrinkles, spots and all. I've earned this face and I want the world to know it.

Trish Annese

[Krystyn (Squarespace)]

I take a lot of people pictures and retouch nearly every photo I take. Things like color adjustments, or fixing bags under eyes caused by bad lighting.

I confess to a tummy tuck or a double chin removal here and there, but rarely anything extreme, just things caused by a bad pose or posture.

I wouldn't remove a characteristic like a mole or wrinkles unless the subject requested it (and they do.)

I have freckles all over my back and arms, and I love them. Both of my boys have tiny sunkissed freckles on their noses, and if anything, I try to get close enough to capture them every time.

[Krystyn (Squarespace)]

Oh, almost forgot to tell you that I added your site here:
http://www.squarespace.com/examples

:)

[Heidi]

I don't understand why anyone <i>wouldn't</i> want freckles. I, myself, am disappointed that I don't have more of them.

Sure, I've got a ton on my face and a few of them on my arms/shoulders, but that's about it. I'd *love* to have freckles all over my arms/shoulders as well.

I always thought freckles were really pretty and made people cuter (see your daughter =)). The only part about my freckles I don't like is how my nose is turning into one big freckle, since that's where all the new ones are popping up.

As for retouching photos, I, too, prefer the natural route. And I honestly can't be bothered to Photoshop my own photos. Not because I have a life, or I don't want to, it's just that I don't have a strong enough desire to edit photos of myself.

Although, on the editing note, isn't that what make up has been doing for centuries upon centuries, before computers and Photoshop came around?

[Ali]

I have been thinking about this for the last couple of days Brene.

The issue of retouching/doctoring photos is something that comes up in scrapbooking circles more and more these days. I am definitely an advocate for "real life" photos - we are "messy" people with all kinds of layers of mistakes and successes which to me is the true beauty of our lives. The photos I love the most are the ones that really demonstrate the layers of real life.

I think Liz was right on with this comment: "I wish for all us humans that we could celebrate who we are, just as we are, in all shapes, in all forms, instead of worshipping what has been decided on as "perfect"." Also love this one from Monica,"I want to appreciate my beauty, here and now."

It goes so much deeper - so much to the heart of acceptance and valuing ourselves as we are...not how we wish we were.

In one of my classes recently I was talking with some women about this topic. Many of the classes I teach encourage women (and men) to document the story of their own lives (rather than always focusing on documenting their children). A very common response is that they realize they have almost no photos of themselves and/or that they really dislike having their photos taken/seeing photos of themselves.

One of the things I have learned over the years as I have taken more photos of myself either in a mirror or with a self-timer is that I am given the opportunity to "really see" me on the outside and the chance to make changes (such as eating better, getting more rest, making better health-related choices). I don't always love what I see...but what I see prompts me forward towards a different level of acceptance.

[Lesley]

I found your blog through Ali Edwards (aliedwards.typepad.com) and have to say...I have been guilty of editing a photo of my lovely niece (she had a big cut across her forehead and when I turned the photo to greyscale it was glaring on the image and took away from the photo) and I wanted to edit the food left stuck to her chin that I couldn't see with my eye when I took the photo but couldn't miss when the photo was uploaded on my computer. But I have never EVER wanted to take away something like her gorgeous little sprinkling of freckles across her nose. And that's because they are who she is...and what makes her so cute. The other stuff...well...we can do without the milk stain on her upper lip in a formal dress ready to go to the show! :)

[Diana Dellos]

I'm a Photoshop addict and love to edit and alter photos . . . but I would never take out freckles. That is a genuine characteristic, especially in kids. The only things I, personally, think are okay to take out are blemishes (acne), and unwanted objects/people in background. I don't change teeth either. It's just not real to me. To each is their own, I guess.