love thursday and the truth

I came |this close| to putting up a cute picture of my kids, slapping a Love Thursday title on it, and calling it a post. But of course, that would have been dishonest and totally not in the spirit of the Shutter Sisters. Per usual, Karen seems to be roaming around in my head, wondering how she can provoke some honesty with this challenge: post a picture of something you love, but not a person.

I’m not feeling the love right now. I’m anxious and stressed. I’m worn down and worn out. I’d cry, but I’m too tired to find a box of tissue and too old to wipe snot on my sleeve.

My dig deep button is broken.

You know the dig deep button, right? Every woman I know has this button. It’s the button that you rely on when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time in the middle of the night or do one more load of throw-up-diarrhea laundry or catch one more plane or return one more call or please/perform/perfect the way you normally do even when you just want to flip someone off and pull the covers over your head. My button is busted.

It’s going to take me a while to unpack the root causes of this funk, but I’m pretty sure the usual suspects are involved: exhaustion, fear, too much work, too little self-care . . . you know the list. On the surface, I was shitty to a good friend, cried for hours over something I thought was resolved, and got caught procrastinating. Puke.

I’m also flirting with this old thinking: “OK people, I’ve said I’m tired. Can’t you see how grumpy and miserable I am? I’ve been pretty clear that my coping skills are all but gone. What’s it going to take for you to take notice and give me some relief? Do I need to go completely crazy? Throw a totally huge fit? Have a complete and total breakdown? Is that really what you want? Are you sure? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE MY BUTTON IS BROKEN?”

This is the part that totally sucks about therapy, self-work and getting sane. I know the answer doesn’t involve blaming anyone else for “not noticing.” The answer is to stop pushing the broken button. Take what you need. Ask for help. Say no rather than saying, “Sure, I’ll do it, but my button is broken I’ll resent the shit out of you while I’m doing it.”

I would like a few days alone in my house.

I would like to watch a lot of Law & Order, work out when I feel like it and sit in the backyard, by myself.

I would like to spend 4 hours on Etsy and not have to worry about getting back to work or picking up kids or going grocery shopping.

I would like to wake up early and not have to tiptoe through the house praying that I don’t wake anyone up until I’ve brushed my teeth and had one cup of coffee.

I’d like to get my house totally clean, light candles, sit on the couch and know that it will look that way for more than 20 minutes.

I’d like to not feel guilty about wanting these things.

I’d like to not flood myself with thought like, “Something horrible could happen to your kids and then your house would be super clean – would that make you happy?” Or, “Steve is always happy to take the kids to visit grandparents so you can get some downtime – I hope they don’t get in an accident because you needed to “find yourself.” STOP!

I'd like to remember that I don't need all of these things all of the time, just enough to keep the button working.

So, Karen . . . this Thursday, I love the truth.

I’m going to ask for what I need.

I’m going to admit that I wait until the stress gets so bad that taking time for myself is no longer a choice, but a necessity, thereby alleviating my guilt and wacko thinking.

I’m going to choose to be vulnerable rather than pissed off and resentful.

I’m going to show my real, crazy, tired, struggling self on this blog and choose to believe that I’m not alone.

Update on 03.28.2008 by Brené Brown

I was afraid to check my blog this morning. I was afraid there might be comments. I was afraid there wouldn't be any.  But here you are. Being kind. Being real. Thank you.

So, here's to you - a long distance dedication to my cyber friernds, my new friends, my friend who is hunting for a smile, my friend who is itching to pick a fight with her husband, my friend who is healing from a supermom headwound, and all of you other silvergirls:

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.

Comments

[Renae C]

Believe it, because it is the TRUTH! You are not alone. Taking responsibility for my own crap and learning to be vulnerable and not feel bad for asking for and doing for myself what I need is the hardest work I've ever done - and I'm not even close to being finished yet. So your pain and frustration resonate. As does your wish for just 10 minutes in the house by yourself. Hang in there!

[Shalet]

I hear you! You are not alone! And I have to say - I love your photograph, tissue, bowl and all. It depicts the truth that we too often photoshop out. *hugs*

[Annie W]

Oh, so not alone. Here's to truth and the love of it. May your button be fixed when it is ready...
(here via Ali and happy to meet you)

[Dawn]

hang in there girlie! you are most definitely not alone...sending some good karma your way. =)

[Debbie O]

I always admire your willingness to be vulnerable. That's my definition of strength. I hope you get to enjoy some "guilt free - do whatever the hell you want" time. You deserve it.

[Busymomma66]

You are not alone. In fact I am feeling most of this myself right now--I just don't seem to be able to write it as well. (Maybe someday.) So if misery loves company considered yourself "companied".

[Laura]

Love the kids. Check. Love the husband. Check. Appreciative of all the work and opportunities. Check. Now: In case you need to hear it from a voice other than your own...it's okay to slow down, it's okay to rest. Love you. Proud of you. Check!

[Jen A.]

Chill bumps and tears consume me. It's as if you have been living my life.

Thank you for being real. I love real.

Check out the blog.

[Kirsten Michelle]

thank you for sharing your truth and keeping it real...
standing right alongside you. xo

[Stacey D]

I applaud your honesty, vulnerabilty and willingness to keep it 'real'. That is what I also LOVE about your book! It is not just you... it is not just me.... by being real we are breaking down society's packaged perfection and patented answer, of "I'm doing fine. I have got it all together and can do anything and everything." Which for me has resulted in taking steps away from my shame web and into deeper 'real' relationships with my friends.

So here's to peeling another layer...

[laurel spence]

oh girlfriend - AMEN! i totally get what you're saying... not stopping until you crash physically and/or emotionally over & over again. good job acknowledging the truth - that's supposedly 'the first step' toward change - right? yep, truth hurts, tho' surprisingly sometimes in a good way!

i'm trying to rest today myself...after literally smacking my head on the ice @ galleria ice rink yesterday while attempting to be 'fun mom' and take girls and friends to skate during their spring break this week...luckily head CT was negative...big headache remains...metaphor? lesson? stupid? yes, all of the above! thank GOD kids didn't get hurt too - OMG!!!

[susan]

Oh, what I would give for a few days alone in my house!!! I'm right there with you sister!

[Dawnh]

I love that you said shit twice in your post. sometimes a good cuss word is what I need. No, I did not pick the fight with my husband...but a big part of me still wishes I had. I love the raw honesty in your post - I'm going to do try to do one about how my life is unrecongnizable - don't you think that is the issue too sometimes??

[Amy]

I have soooo been there ... and pretty recently, too. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not crazy for having these feelings and that other women feel them, too. You're right on with the saying no and self-care -- they've made a big difference for me. That and admitting that sometimes things aren't perfect and usually that's not my fault and I don't have as much control as I think I do. My new favorite phrase: "It is what it is." (And then I think, "And I don't have to fix it.")

[Char @ DigiScrapChat]

Wow - found your blog through a link somewhere else today. I've been in a bit of funk (understatement) all week, and your post accurately described so much of what's in my head. Thank you for sharing the TRUTH, just as it is!

[Farrah]

Amen SISTA! It's like when you hear one of the kids crying out at night and you pretend you're asleep hoping (praying!) that your husband gets up and deals with it. HA! He's probably lying there thinking the same thing. My button isn't broken per se but it's kind of half fixed- like with a piece of old tape and a paperclip. It'll fall back apart at any given moment. Look out!

[robiewankenobie]

oh, man, i feel ya.

[Betsy Bird]

Sometimes just being able to say honestly what you want is the next best thing to getting it.

[Meg]

you have the greatest knack of timing
the truth of that moment for travelers on the road to truth and balance is sometimes so very messy !
thanks for speaking your truth and giving others the words to express that overwhelm feeling that for me has until now escaped a way to fully express it -
even in your struggles w/ overwhelm you are making ripples to instigate healing for others - M

[Meg]

this is completely off.target ... just checked out the video - odd - my memory is of both of them standing side by side at their own mikes from start to finish - I honor the receeding hair lines and earned weathering from age - and the joy of seeing them "bridge" their differences and be on stage together - but to not have them both there side by side for this song... it seems odd snd off

[celticbuffy]

Wow, have you been peeking inside of my soul lately? You described so much of what I've been feeling as of late. Hang in there, we WILL make it through and hopefully still have our sanity (somewhat) intact!

[Irene]

triumph or defeat is in the hands of the gods--so let us celebrate the struggle!

[laurel spence]

thx for the video Brene' - always loved simon & garfunkle!! lovin' you & wishing you, Steve & kids a restful weekend (whether together...or apart...and apart is OK & needed sometimes...you have permission to get what YOU need for a change, my love!) --Laurel

[Karen (from Shutter Sisters & Chookooloonks)]

Brene --

I love your truth. Thank you so much for sharing, even when it requires "digging deep." :-)

K.

[Monica]

I just love this post too!! I think I say that every time I check your blog. :)

You know the more I get to know people, the more I realize that what you've just described is reality. And yet b/c we see so many shiny, happy people/moms around I think we think we're failing miserably if we aren't shiny and happy too. We must be doing something wrong if life isn't easy and happy and wonderful. No? I think a good life, a full life, a *meaningful* life is one that's honest and real and truthful ... not shiny, happy and wonderful. I actually think the wonder(fulness) comes out of honesty and truth and being real. I really do.

Thanks for another great post that makes me feel like I'm not alone, that my life is normal, and that I matter.

[Veronique]

I so hear you, and am totally there with you! AMEN SISTA! To telling the TRUTH! I think all women need to put self care first, and it is just so hard when you have so many "plates spinning". Thanks so much for your post.

[Neil]

Why would you be afraid of showing the real you... both on good days and bad days? We all feel pretty much the same as you during those times, because we're all human.

[Heather]

That right there ... what you did when you wrote that, and even more importantly what you did when you hit the post button ... is ordinary courage. Courage inspires courage ... thank you.

[deb]

You are so not alone. I need time to myself and I have such a hard time asking for that. Asking for anything really. Is it all women? Do we all have such a hard time asking for what we need? Or is it a generational thing? Or maybe a mother thing? I don't know.

I find it hard to believe that my needs are as legitimate as my children's or my husband's. I want to find out where that belief came from and then I want to drive it out of my head.

[Jen A.]

I just have to say that the comment from Monica is so right on target. The masks we wear hide and cover up so many truths...and give others false impressions of us that can further isolate us...which only serves to contribute to feelings of failure and sadness.

Here's to finding those we can be truthful and real with.

Those kinds of friends...the non-judgmental friends who love us no matter what are imperfections are...well, they are true treasures.

[Yvette]

It is so good to know others feel the exact same way I do sometimes! I think it takes a woman and a mother to know exactly what you are going through. Thank goodness for women! My secret wish is to be able to exist in my home with my children and my husband around me and not have to make a single decision, cook or get a drink for someone else, answer a question or fulfill a need for just one day. Is it possible to do without the guilt? Thanks for sharing yourself with us!

[melinda]

late to post, but, OH WOW OH WOW OH WOW! nail on the head with that one dearie...you had me at "...sail on silver girl..." i wish it were enough for you just to know we're all right there with you, "fighting the good fight..." thanks for putting words to what we all feel, more often that we'd like to admit!

[Jessica K.]

Amen!

[Susi (dragonflydreamer)]

I just found your blog through a link on Ali Edwards' blog. Thank you. I felt such a relief to read this post because my truth has been keeping me from blogging for a bit. I have been questioning continuing my blog since a recent devastation with my oldest son. I am looking forward to reading your blog from its beginning. I am depressed and lonely, but reading this post has made me feel a connectedness and I thank you for choosing to share your truth. I know in my heart that going to Ali's blog and finding the link to your blog was not an accident.

[Kate I]

What a beautifully written post. It made me almost weep with memories of an overstressed, overextened, overtired and younger me. Your openess and vulnerability is such a gift.

[Danielle]

O-M-G! I am looking in a mirror! Seriously! And I don't have any kids. I think my button is broken too. But I keep pressing it. More like squeezing it with a juicer. I will try to stop too. And thank you. Thank you for saying all the things I am thinking. Thank you for being a brave me.

[Maureen]

Okay--your words, your writing, your clarity rocks.

But oh man, I also think, from this little corner of a picture, that your house does too! The colors, the leaves, the window and its light. Crisp, fresh, but not too perfect (thanks to the used tissue reminder). This little corner of your home and your heart just filled up a little corner of me.