I'm a little obsessed with Supergirl.
the thing you think you cannot do
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Do the thing you think you cannot do.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
I’ve been studying shame, empathy and vulnerability for 8 years. I’ve interviewed hundreds of men and women all over the country. I’ve collected thousands of hard and hopeful stories and talked about my work in front of at least ten thousand people. In all of my experiences, I’ve never felt the kind of fear I felt on Tuesday night.
On Monday night, as I was trying to plan a small fender-bender that wouldn’t involve injury or expense (but could get me out of talking to 150 people for 2 ½ hours about the sacred topic of parenting) Steve finally called me out, “You’re scared. You’re really scared. And . . . well . . . you should be. This is the trifecta of vulnerability: home crowd, you’re taping a live CD, and you’re talking about parenting. Seriously, fear is an appropriate response.”
I thought about it for a minute then said, “I can get out of it.”
He laughed. “No you can’t.”
I started to explain my injury/expense-free wreck when he interrupted, “You can’t get out of it. It’s too important. This is work people need to hear.” He paused for a second then said, “It’s like research on how to raise your children with their souls intact.”
Coming from a man who is an amazing father, an awesome pediatrician and a total straight-shooter, I can’t tell you what a courage infusion that was for me.
So, I did it. We did it. Me and about 150 people. I brought the stories and the data and the ideas, and these amazing, generous friends and strangers and teachers and moms and dads and grandparents brought their energy, vulnerability and courage.
I’m not sure how it felt from their side, but I felt connected. I felt safe enough to talk honestly about the depth of the struggle and enormity of the challenge. I felt hopeful enough to say, “Let’s do this. Let’s do it imperfectly. Side by side. We’re all in this together.”
Even though we all come from different parenting traditions and rely on diverse parenting techniques, most of us want the same things for our children. We want our children to be self-confident, resilient and compassionate. We want our children to carry a sense of acceptance, authenticity and belonging with them (rather than searching for it in empty places). We want our children to know that their imperfections are not inadequacies and that they don't need to fear being ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling.
I think I was equal parts excited/terrified/hell-bent because my research on imperfect parenting and raising children with courage, compassion and connection has fundamentally changed my life, my marriage and the way I think about my children.
So, to all of you who attended . . . thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll see on 5/6 for part 2!
To Farrah Braniff, who took the wonderful pictures for the posters, thank you for capturing our children in their best, most imperfect moments! And, thank you for the pictures from last night!
To Jen Lemen, who did the incredible artwork for the CD, thank you for sharing your gifts. I carried your note in my pocket (and your wishes in my heart).
To my sister, Ashley, and friends who sat in the audience last night – if it felt like I was staring at you, it wasn’t about you. I just needed to lock eyes with the people who would still love me if I started throwing-up and crying.
I thought about it for a minute then said, “I can get out of it.”
He laughed. “No you can’t.”
I started to explain my injury/expense-free wreck when he interrupted, “You can’t get out of it. It’s too important. This is work people need to hear.” He paused for a second then said, “It’s like research on how to raise your children with their souls intact.”
Coming from a man who is an amazing father, an awesome pediatrician and a total straight-shooter, I can’t tell you what a courage infusion that was for me.
So, I did it. We did it. Me and about 150 people. I brought the stories and the data and the ideas, and these amazing, generous friends and strangers and teachers and moms and dads and grandparents brought their energy, vulnerability and courage.
I’m not sure how it felt from their side, but I felt connected. I felt safe enough to talk honestly about the depth of the struggle and enormity of the challenge. I felt hopeful enough to say, “Let’s do this. Let’s do it imperfectly. Side by side. We’re all in this together.”
Even though we all come from different parenting traditions and rely on diverse parenting techniques, most of us want the same things for our children. We want our children to be self-confident, resilient and compassionate. We want our children to carry a sense of acceptance, authenticity and belonging with them (rather than searching for it in empty places). We want our children to know that their imperfections are not inadequacies and that they don't need to fear being ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling.
I think I was equal parts excited/terrified/hell-bent because my research on imperfect parenting and raising children with courage, compassion and connection has fundamentally changed my life, my marriage and the way I think about my children.
To Farrah Braniff, who took the wonderful pictures for the posters, thank you for capturing our children in their best, most imperfect moments! And, thank you for the pictures from last night!
To Jen Lemen, who did the incredible artwork for the CD, thank you for sharing your gifts. I carried your note in my pocket (and your wishes in my heart).
To my sister, Ashley, and friends who sat in the audience last night – if it felt like I was staring at you, it wasn’t about you. I just needed to lock eyes with the people who would still love me if I started throwing-up and crying.
To my mom and Steve – thanks for understanding why I had to put the vulnerability ban on your attendance. It was nice to come home and tell you all about it.
For me, last night was like looking fear in the face and finding kindness smiling back.
PS - More to come on the CD. I've received lots of emails today and I'm thinking/wondering/dreaming about doing something like a blog-based discussion on this topic. If you have ideas, let me know!
Brené Brown
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Reader Comments (15)
From the audience (and friend) side of things, I have to tell you, you completely hit a home run. I felt I knew your work, but I had never heard you lecture. You have a gift. Do you hear me a gift! Not only is your shame work so mind bending, but hearing you present it, made for a lecture that was absolutely riveting. I'm glad that it was taped live, because I have friends who couldn't make it, and because I will need to see it several more times to have it all really sink in.
Thank you for doing the work that you do, and sharing that work. And thank you for staring fear in the face, and not "getting out of it". All 150 people would have missed an evening that was truly life changing.
You're like the child in "The Emperor's New Clothes" (you know the one who says..." wait the Emperor is in his underwear!") You have looked at the world, seen and then stated what is right in front of all of our noses. You have spoken up about things that we were all too scared or else unable to see. Thank you for articulating and putting in to words things that are so fundamental to the human experience.
And as Laura Mayes said above...how wonderful to have an evening where I felt among "my people".
Friends ROCK!
; )
Fondly,
Veronique
We need people who will tell it like it is, cause we all get caught up in the day to day living = surviving, forgetting to live.
Can't wait to hear the CD.
Jumping with joy for your achievement! xx
I read something the other day that really made me think ... and was filled with questions and you were one of the first people I thought of that might be able to shed some light on the topic. Someday maybe I'll email you with my thoughts and you can do with them what you have time for/can. :)
Love reading your blog.
Blessings to you,
joan
I will need to get my hands on THAT cd. Your book has already been such a light... acknowledgment... comfort... eye-opener... for me!
Don't you feel GREAT... ALIVE... wow... now that you DID IT!!! You did it!
Valeria
I'm soooo tickled for you that Jen Lemen did the cd cover, and I cannot wait to get my hands on it. Also, if you were going to have an on-blog discussion about this I would love to be a part of it.