I'm a little obsessed with Supergirl.
living on heart time
I’ve made a big decision (or maybe the universe made it for me). My dig deep button is still broken, but rather than fixing it, I’ve decided to get rid of it. I’ve decided to do away with the entire idea of digging deep. Last week, after my trip to Amarillo, I thought things would get back to normal, but it hasn’t happened yet. Grace helped, sleep was restorative and quiet time has been healing. But, there has been a fundamental internal shift in me; the kind that rattles your soul and awakens your heart.
So, I’m going to spend the next few months experimenting with some radical new ideas.
I’m not going to dig deep anymore. When I’m emotionally, physically and spiritually done, I’m going to stop. I’m going to stop feeling proud about
PUSHING THROUGH
SOLDIERING ON
DIGGING DEEP
And I’m going to start honoring
SAYING NO
FEELING TOO FULL OR TOO EMPTY
TAKING IT EASY
I can’t tell you how hard this will be for me. I’m already struggling with some shame about “taking it easy” and “honoring rest.” One of my big shame triggers is “being lazy.” I’ve built my identity on being strong and irrepressible. Not strong and tough enough to say “NO” but the “push through” variety. The, “Shit, man, that’s nothing. I do that much stuff in a day.”
I’m also not going to multitask anymore. I’m not going to feel satisfied because I can talk on the phone, answer emails, cook dinner and take care of my kids at the same time. I’m even going to TRY and stop talking on the phone and driving. I’m tired of getting somewhere and not even remembering the drive.
Why?
Right after the worst, scariest part of the 2007 breakdown (we seriously need to find a new name for this), I told Diana, “I’m afraid to get better.” When she asked me why, I started crying. I said, “I know I’m fragile right now so I’m really taking it easy. What happens when I feel better?” What happens when I feel normal again? What happens when scarcity sneaks back in? When I’m too busy to be grateful? To create? To meditate? To pray?
How do I return to this life that I’ve built around being all things to all people, all of the time? I like taking it easy. I like being too overwhelmed and too burnt out to take it all on. I’m afraid to go back to three or four meetings a day, trips every other week, one big writing project stacked on the next. What happens when I stop living on heart time and go back to head time?
So, I’m going to spend the next few months experimenting with some radical new ideas.
I’m not going to dig deep anymore. When I’m emotionally, physically and spiritually done, I’m going to stop. I’m going to stop feeling proud about
PUSHING THROUGH
SOLDIERING ON
DIGGING DEEP
And I’m going to start honoring
SAYING NO
FEELING TOO FULL OR TOO EMPTY
TAKING IT EASY
I can’t tell you how hard this will be for me. I’m already struggling with some shame about “taking it easy” and “honoring rest.” One of my big shame triggers is “being lazy.” I’ve built my identity on being strong and irrepressible. Not strong and tough enough to say “NO” but the “push through” variety. The, “Shit, man, that’s nothing. I do that much stuff in a day.”
I’m also not going to multitask anymore. I’m not going to feel satisfied because I can talk on the phone, answer emails, cook dinner and take care of my kids at the same time. I’m even going to TRY and stop talking on the phone and driving. I’m tired of getting somewhere and not even remembering the drive.
Why?
Right after the worst, scariest part of the 2007 breakdown (we seriously need to find a new name for this), I told Diana, “I’m afraid to get better.” When she asked me why, I started crying. I said, “I know I’m fragile right now so I’m really taking it easy. What happens when I feel better?” What happens when I feel normal again? What happens when scarcity sneaks back in? When I’m too busy to be grateful? To create? To meditate? To pray?
How do I return to this life that I’ve built around being all things to all people, all of the time? I like taking it easy. I like being too overwhelmed and too burnt out to take it all on. I’m afraid to go back to three or four meetings a day, trips every other week, one big writing project stacked on the next. What happens when I stop living on heart time and go back to head time?
How do I say “no” when the issues are so big and important? The world needs changing. How can you ever say “enough” when people are still hurting? How do you measure success when you’re trying to create a more compassionate, loving world?
I managed to be very careful for the first six months after my return to "normal." And, that brings us to March. I’ve slipped. I’m off the serenity wagon. Now, I’m Kramer on Seinfield . . . SERENITY NOW, DAMMMMIT!
So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to scoot, slide, and stumble my way back to what’s important. I’m going to do one important thing at a time. I’m going to stop and relax. Create and meditate. I’m going to remember that the world doesn’t need one more hurting person, but more inspired, hopeful people. Suffering doesn’t heal with more suffering. It heals when joy is created and shared. If I really believe in my work, I should honor it and move slow and thoughtfully.
I’m in Washington DC today, meeting with some of the incredible women of the Nobel Women's Initiative. These are women who are literally changing the world. As we talk and strategize, I’m reminded of a quote that I saw on Ali Edwards blog a few weeks ago:
When I lead workshops on shame resilience and compassion, I always talk about the power of writing things down. I decided to take my own advice and wrote down this list. I got caught up in prioritizing (of course) so I put them in alphabetical order to alleviate the stress.
Alone time
Creativity
Family time
Friends
Good music
Nature
Prayer and meditation
Steve time
I managed to be very careful for the first six months after my return to "normal." And, that brings us to March. I’ve slipped. I’m off the serenity wagon. Now, I’m Kramer on Seinfield . . . SERENITY NOW, DAMMMMIT!
So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to scoot, slide, and stumble my way back to what’s important. I’m going to do one important thing at a time. I’m going to stop and relax. Create and meditate. I’m going to remember that the world doesn’t need one more hurting person, but more inspired, hopeful people. Suffering doesn’t heal with more suffering. It heals when joy is created and shared. If I really believe in my work, I should honor it and move slow and thoughtfully.
I’m in Washington DC today, meeting with some of the incredible women of the Nobel Women's Initiative. These are women who are literally changing the world. As we talk and strategize, I’m reminded of a quote that I saw on Ali Edwards blog a few weeks ago:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."--Harold Thurman Whitman
When I lead workshops on shame resilience and compassion, I always talk about the power of writing things down. I decided to take my own advice and wrote down this list. I got caught up in prioritizing (of course) so I put them in alphabetical order to alleviate the stress.
Alone time
Creativity
Family time
Friends
Good music
Nature
Prayer and meditation
Steve time
Taking and sharing photographs
Writing
Whew. Reading this list is painful for me. I don’t make these things a priority. I see them as a luxury. It’s so easy to see “coming alive” as a privilege, not a necessity. I do these things AFTER the “important” stuff is done.
Whew. Reading this list is painful for me. I don’t make these things a priority. I see them as a luxury. It’s so easy to see “coming alive” as a privilege, not a necessity. I do these things AFTER the “important” stuff is done.
But, imagine if you did these things first. If "coming alive" was the priority. Imagine.
I get that work has to be done, but there's a whole bunch of unnecessary stuff that I can absolutely let go. I'm going to try. I'll keep you posted.
If you feel like sharing your "coming alive" list, I’d love to see it! Share it in the comments section or link back to your site!
If you feel like sharing your "coming alive" list, I’d love to see it! Share it in the comments section or link back to your site!
Let’s come alive together so we really can change the world!
Brené Brown
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Reader Comments (26)
I am in a PhD program right now and took this semester off to destress and regroup and respond to what my life was calling for. At first I thought it would be a "rest time" in order to refill and go on; now in the last month or so I've realized that it has actually been a transformative time and that I will go forward differently.
Thanks for the reminder & LOVE the quote.
so again--thank you for sharing!
Being in the moment
One on one time with each of my kids
A date with my husband
Enjoying the preparation and eating of good food, not just stuffing something down on the run
Quiet time
Connection with friends, new and old
Sharing stories
Prayer and contemplation
Finding my dreams and my voice
Unfortunately, I am a man. Not just a man, but a "Man's Man" I guess I don't need to say any more than that. I am not just a perfectionist, but a perfectionist at keeping my perfect image perfect in others' views.
I am working on becoming real to myself and others. I think all of you are going to help me.
Thank you and God Bless.
What we really need is not so hard to give ourselves. We need time.
I had the same kind of thing happen to me as your 2007 breakdown. Two years ago I came to a point in my life where I decided to kill myself. It was a good thing actually. It scared me so bad, I decided to treat my depression seriously. I changed my life, am still changing my life.
It's okay to slow down. To sit on your ass and do nothing sometimes. I have a hard time with that one as well. I'm always busy, busy, busy but I'm starting to realize the all this busyness is my addiction, my way of avoiding dealing with the painful things in life.
I'm learning and it sounds like you are as well. Take care.
Quiet time
traveling
family time
art
friend time
Now if I could balance the first one a little better, I may be able to get to these others on my list more often.
I like this idea of pulling the plug on the "button". I have to think more about it.
walking my dog
reading a book that's not about therapy or self improvement
going out to lunch with co-workers
riding horses
writing in my journal
art museums
breakfast with friends
drinking coffee & reading blogs
I am working on coming out of a "Mood" that has lasted for a couple of months. The gray and the rain in Seattle where I live does not help much. I just gave up multi-tasking as well. As a wife, mom, and an employee not an easy task but worth the effort.
Get rid of that Push on Through Button. Am so with you.
Veronique
I believe that God sends things our way, not to hurt us but to help us grow stronger. God does this with love - we are his children and he loves us so much. So as a child goes to a parent when they need a hug, guidance, support, help, love, pray to God. He will hear you. The Bible says that your faith is strongest when you are weak (if you let it).
You are in my prayers.
Tub time (alone)
Reading time
Focused family time (without thinking of the gazillion other things I have to do)
Work out time
Girlfriend time
God time
Discovering my passions time
And, not necessarily in that order.
I think that although I'm feeling better than I was...it's because I've said "screw it" to the DIG DEEP BUTTON. SCREW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, hell YES to honoring feeling too full or too empty, taking it easy, and saying NO!!!!!!!!!!
When I Am Among the Trees
When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness,
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.
I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.
Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, "Stay awhile."
The light flows from their branches.
And they call again, "It's simple," they say,
"and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine."
~ Mary Oliver ~
In part, things were so incredibly simplified. ONE sippy cup. Food and meal choices were greatly restricted by market produce available and what we'd brought along from Nairobi. Showers needed to be planned hours in advance to ensure a bit of hot water. No TV. No computer. Time with friends and family was at a premium. No appointments to run to. No phone ringing. When it got dark we went to sleep. It was like life was forceably stripped down to what's important. Oh how I wanted to wrap all of it up and take it home with me. But now the list of items we lived without for those three weeks in the bush are what cripple me. Pulling me. Sucking the life out of me. I think I need to make my own 'alive' list and post it throughout the house.
I also agree that multitasking is highly overrated. It's a bunch of bonk, is what it is!!!
I still have an active full-time business, a husband and a house. But I don't go crazy doing everything anymore. I get up an hour earlier every day so that I can drink Chai tea and read the paper (or some of it, at least) in bed before really starting the day.
I always take a hot bath every night, no matter how tired I am or hot late it is. Those things remind me that I can be in charge of my DOINGNESS.
And it is still hard to not be Superwoman, or at least try to...
:)
PS - I am GREAT at goofing off!
http://thelandofvariablegravity.blogspot.com/
Remember how when we were kids on summer break, and the days seemed so long and full of possibility. How being bored was such a horrible thing. Well, I really miss being bored. I miss not having anything to do. I want to somehow find that feeling. I want to just sit outside for hours, being in nature. Being at peace. Not getting that pain in my chest, that uneasiness and nervousness that spreads throughout my body and makes me get up and be "productive." I need to shut off that voice. The voice that screams, "What are you doing just sitting here!?!? You should be cleaning, or organizing or doing the bazillion other things that need to be done. Right. Now. I have no idea how to do that at this point, no idea how to shut off that voice. I think I am getting there though. I think I have found hope. With every post I read in your blog, I feel like I am closer to understanding what I need to do and how to do it. What I need to do to be happy, and not feel like I am dying. every. single. day.
Thank you. Thank you for being honest and sharing your life and your struggles. You give me hope. You give me the strength to keep trying. You help me see that it can be done and I will do it! I will be able to throw that button away and just live! Enjoy! Rest.
I'm trying something new myself.Desperately searching for a better purpose and meaning in my life. I joined in on the Oprah/Eckart Tolle "A New Earth" book club and online class. So far it has made me more aware and to help me take a step back.
I love how Eckart Tolle says, "Creativity comes out of stillness...the space of stillness, that's where all creative endeavor is born". I'm trying...