oh, the audacity of authenticity

Chance encounter with former student at the grocery store (April 2008):

We trade niceties, she asks what I’m doing, I do my best to explain, she summarizes:

“So, basically you quit your tenure-track position to spend your time blogging, learning photography and doing arts and crafts? Well . . . at least you’re still teaching and researching. I mean, is there a lot of money in blogging? I bet you have to be really careful when you explain quitting to people. Right? I mean, right?”

Chance encounter with old neighbor at Ten Thousand Villages (May 2008):

We trade niceties, she asks what I’m doing, I do my best to explain, she summarizes:

“Good for you! You gave the world the finger, jumped off that hamster wheel and decided to follow your bliss. I’m so glad. You look so great. So much better. I used to worry about you. You were always working, working, working, proving, proving, proving. Now it’s about the dharma. Good for you.”

I walked away from both of these conversations uninvited running commentaries about my life feeling desperate, confused and scared. I literally pictured myself like a fish floundering on hot concrete – gasping, suffocating and desperately hoping to flop my way into a familiar puddle or have someone pour water over my head.

I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t find them. I didn’t know how to respond or what to say. I’m not a self-indulgent, lazy flake who took a coveted university position for granted. I’m also not a brave, follow-your-bliss shero (I had to google dharma to see how it's spelled). These aren’t my stories. You can tell them about me, but they don’t belong to me.

Yes, I’ve changed. Yes, I feel good. No, things aren’t perfect. But yes, they are so much better. Why? Because over the course of a long, painful year, I realized that “trying to decide” was a waste of time. It was much more straightforward – live authentically or die.

Do I mean literally die? Or live in a malignant malaise? Or watch your soul crumble? Does it really matter? It’s all death.

Living authentically is hard. And no, there’s not much money in it. If it were paid labor, we’d all get lots of hazard pay. It’s uncomfortable. Partners and children are scared and unsure. Friends and family wonder what it will mean for them.

 

There are two things I know for sure: 1. Despite their behaviors and words, our children, partners, sisters, brothers, friends and parents don't want us to be spiritually and emotionally dead. 2. Don't ever ask your children if they'd rather have a vacant, weepy mother who makes Easy Mac and puts on DVDs  or a fulfilled, authentic mom who may need time away.  Just don't ask.

 

I know we are a strange bunch of travelers. We carry hope notes in our day planners. We use words like love, hope, tenderness, open and faith. We're believers. People think we’re weird. And, there are many, many, gasping fish-out-of-water moments.

 

Oh, the audacity of authenticity. You’re going to confuse, piss-off and terrify lots of people – including yourself.  You're going to pray it ends, then pray it never ends.  If you're like me,  you're still going to be crazy and find yourself lying, cheating and faking it on occasion, but in some magic way, it's different. You don't blame/shame yourself (as much) or other people for lying, cheating and faking, you just kinda go, "I wonder what's going on with me?" Gasp. Gasp.

And . . .  every now and then, when hope, gratitude and wonder align like the stars, there are moments of feeling like a fish in water. Graceful, weightless and free.

Last night, I spent my evening swimming with some amazing women including Laura, Gabby, Laurie, Ellen and Lucy, Katherine and Jenny. I was a fish in water. No weight, no flopping, just a lot of darting in and out of possibility and promise. I didn’t need to explain or justify or be afraid.  There were no expectations, just lots of kirtsying and splashing around.

Oh, the audacity of authenticity.

Comments

[Veronique]

Totally understand the place you are taking about. I like the idea of the audacity of autheticity. And the part about not being able to put words to the process one is going through. Right there with ya,

Veronique

[Jenny, bloggess]

I don't know what a "shero" is but I do know that you kick ass. Can I say that here? Because you do.

[Emily]

mwah! Just what I needed today. Thanks for this!

[Katie]

i love this post...thank you! i moved far away from friends and family 2 years ago and really struggled with having undefined free time to live authentically. it took a year before i realized the gift that it is.

[CelticBuffy]

Wow. Thank you. You summed up something that I've been dealing with in my life as I make changes that I need to make, and face the resistance of family/friends who seem to think I don't know what I'm doing. I do know. I'm being who I really am and doing what I need to do. Thank you for the validation. Hug yourself for doing what you needed to do to be your true self!

[phyllis]

writing your own story can be the hardest of all. good for you for doing it with grace and beauty...and sharing it with us.

[Krista]

love, love, love your words.....
you take things i'm thinking, but you make them coherent. :) thanks for that.

[kim]

thank you for this post. i stumbled upon this post and found comfort in your words. my own life is at a crossroads and i'll need to make some hard decisions about my career, my life, and my happiness. thank you for showing me that life is more than just a tenured position.

[nyjlm]

I love how it often seems that the universe is putting a message out to us repeatedly. A friend pointed out this link
http://susansartjournal.blogspot.com/2008/05/artist-formerly-known-as-dr-carlin.html earlier in the week, and it very much has the same message as yours. I need this message, need to see it repeatedly so that I can be brave enough to live it.

[Amy]

Wow! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing and I spend most of the day like a fish out of water. This really hit home. Thank you for the image and for sharing your experience.

[Wendee]

This is just perfect! Some days I don't even bother trying to describe what I'm doing, because getting the look of not understanding is just too tiresome. It causes people to worry too much.

I've come to respect that at different times in life, different things are important; we evolve. I try not to judge others; try not to judge myself. I respect that work means different things to people. Some people can do the work, whatever it is, because it's 'just' work. I need to feel like I'm able to make a compassionate contribution and work for what's good. And yet, even with that, I'm not out to save the world anymore, not worried about making a name for myself, or working on the career that is more visible to the outside world. Right now, home and heart are deeply important, and I'm good with going with that. Still have to pay my bills, but I'm content to try to find work that just seems right, no matter the title, and much happier to seek out company of people who travel a similar path and understand.

Thanks for sharing!

[Monica]

This is all beautiful, but I especially liked this, "I know we are a strange bunch of travelers. We carry hope notes in our day planners. We use words like love, hope, tenderness, open and faith. We're believers. People think we’re weird. And, there are many, many, gasping fish-out-of-water moments."

Thanks.

[Wanda]

I am so glad to have found your blog.

Yes! to the authentic life. Yes! to the struggle.

Thanks for your raw honesty. You inspire me.

[Megan]

Wow, I just found you, and you spoke right to my heart with the first post.

I completely understood every word of this post.

The reason I found you is because I'm looking for a new platform and I was exploring squarespace. I don't know what direction I'm headed in, but I'm not scared.

Although, flopping around on the pavement rings a little familiar. :)

[Jerilynne]

Wow. What an amazing post to run across. I was doing some research on blogging, technorati, hosts, podcasts, and all other sorts of flotsam and jetsam research that comes from changing careers midlife, being rather unfocused on what I'm researching, and knowing that I find exactly what I'm meant to find.

After much nashing of teeth and baring of breast (OK, not literally, just figuratively) I stepped out of my comfort zone and into my "authenticity" only to find myself waffling between being ecstatic and terrified in alternating moments.

Your post was an awesome description of stepping into newness with ordinary courage and being true to who are you are: both!

Thank you sooooooo much!

[Lucy]

Having spent yesterday as my last day as an employee in a blame and shame environment, I cannot tell you how nourishing, soothing, healing it is to read your words here.There is never a time when living in a soul numbing familiar(or prestigious) hell beats even the most frightening day of pursuing dreams that really excite us, but it is so easy to get in those familiar ruts and not see a way out.How fine that you had the courage to burn down the barn, and how well you share your new view of the moon with us.
Thank you!!

[Renae C]

"waffling between being ecstatic and terrified in alternating moments"

That's such an apt description - and I think the grace is in the waffling.

Here's to audacious authenticity all together!

[B.]

I am chronologically ahead of you several years. Here's what I have learned...sometimes the hard way...
YOUR LIFE is a tenured-track job too.

First we learn how to be intuitive, then we have to practice it. It really works, but takes much courage.

[Alex]

Oh! You took my breath away and my eyes welled up with tears. I echo all your words! I've had MANY of these uncomfortable "uninvited one sided conversations" and I really could never respond properly. Thank you for sharing... You made me feel supported in my own attempt of authenticity!

[boho girl]

thank you for this.
you are refreshing, brave and fabulous.
i needed this today.

[Elaine]

When I first stumbled on your site and read about your "bothness" a few weeks ago, I thought "I want to be her when I grow up!"

But then I thought, I already have my bothness: I'm both a writer and an extrovert, in service of the mind (counseling) and the body (personal training), at peace and chaotic, among other things. So I guess I want to be me when I grow up :)

Additional thanks for this particular post - for showing the reality of living authentically in a world where not everyone is in the same place.

[Ali]

I am so glad I "know" you.

[allison]

Oooh, this hits home. I love the part where you don't just accept what each acquaintance spits out as gospel. It's like you had your audacity shield up, and used it to filter out your truth!

Brave, audacious girl, Brene.

[Avital]

I can relate so well. I had left a job as a senior lawyer to seek "creative" living. Moved to a different country in a different continent and have been questioning my self constantly ever since.

I loved your post !!

[Melina]

Namaste

[nyjlm]

You know, I've kept this post in my feed reader because it felt so important, yet I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. And now I think I must have been waiting for the post about ordinary. I think the audacity to be authentic is to be bold enough to share your true heart, your true self. Someone on the ordinary post commented about the duality of ordinary and extraordinary (not sure if she used that word or another, but that's my recollection)- and you know what, there absolutely can be both. We are all ordinary in that we are each one individual, we each have a true self. We're all unique, and that makes the world extraordinary. Because we live in a world which is so full of judgment and proscriptions on 'the right way to be,' it is very risky to be your own ordinary self. Which brings us right back here, the audacity to share your own authentic heart.

[Laura]

You sing my song! Love you, Laura

[Jessica]

Dear Laura,

I want to be okay with me the way I am, To be authentic, but then I run around like a chicken without a head trying desperately to fit into this mold that was made by myself to be this professional wunderkind and I know in my heart that it is ripping me up inside. That I am not being true to myself and that in a nutshell is why I eat too much, or sleep too little. Thank you for this blog and for being courageous enough to follow your bliss. It's the hardest thing to do.

[Karine]

You are right about authenticity vs death. I am afraid of revealing my true crazy self as I am afraid to dissapoint. I do not want to loose my husband if he finds out I'm not perfect, or loose my job because they find out I'm human. I don't want to dissapoint my family to find out i'm vulnerable. But I'm am all those things and hidding it for so long feels like it has killed me inside. I no longer know who I am, and need the time to find it again. I had to quit my job and face my life, especially since I was ripped away from my family and friends (comfort zone) to live in a city far away because of my husband's job. Well, enough sacrifice for the sake of perfection. It now has to be me, all me and nothing but me. Because otherwise, I will explode. And the truth is, my family will benefit from it. Be authentic and show who you are, it is what I would want my boys to do

[BeverleyFlowers26]

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[affofostums]

Hi, I go on this website daily and love it!!. I love to read anything about bags or related topics. I have a quick question. I am torn between two Louis Vuitton handbags. I am interested in the Neverfull MM and the Speedy 35. I am going with the Damier version. I am looking long term and would be interested in everyone's opinion. I am more traditional than not and I am a stay at home mom. I did purchase a YSL muse bag over Christmas. I got the cranberry color. It really is beautiful. Also, I am 40 years old. I want it to be age appropriate. Thanks so much for any suggestions.

[Stephey Baker]

live authentically or die.
as someone who has wrestled with the grim reaper, both physically (inner ear tumor) and emotionally (creative depression - unable to create me way out of the shame box) it is life or death. it really does feel that way to me. may sound dramatic and Un-inspired and Un-creative but it is true, you're spot on, "it's all death" and the way that we handle that death is - our choice. i really believe that.

as someone who is emerging onto the online art, creative living, indie scene i'm feeling those familiar feelings of death. it sometimes feels like i'm playing a perpetual game of chutes and ladders. one day i'm feeling whole and centered in me warrior posture of ease and authenticity, the next it's oh crap, chutes chutes chutes down you go. i've found myself a bit confused and flopping lately. i too have felt the comments and intentions of your grocery store student. it too leaves me, well, shocked. at times i totally feel black listed. one moment it's let's exchange this and that - the next no response to communication or moving forward. a part of me looks inside searching - what's up? too forward. too assertive. a know it all. what? When does it become clear that it's so not you. it's perception. it's the grocery store student verses Thousand Villages.

as a spiritual initiate i have to remind myself to stop processing. to choose not to process at times is the healthiest thing. to discern what to pick up and what not to, is the relesson here for me.

it has made me look at the parts that trigger the flop and though nothing is ever as it seems or ever just one thing, this thing is pointing to the shame of being who i am. different. being brought up under the reign of a military man who made it clear that art equaled ignorance, i learned to survive by hiding - in clear sight through the 100s of art shows and writing forums and though those days and environment are no longer with me. i realized recently there may be a bit more lingering in me. this came to light w/some awkward online encounters. as a highly sensitive person with spot-on intuition and an abundance of concepts that fun through me non stop + wired to shift those limiting paradigms of shadows into the light. i can sense a turd a mile away. i don't get some of the etiquette or lack there of - hence fish out of water. do i simply confront the awkwardness or ignore it. totally scared that it might just be me but then again life has shown me if i'm feeling it, chances are the other person is to. mama. this is so a healing mission this time around. must be. cuz i've been doing, seeing, changing, confronting, transcending, struggling since my earliest memory of being in the crib. scared and excited, bridging between the invisible and the physical + empolying me ordinary courage every day. makes me realize being a creative warrior isn't about not having fear but befriending it. thank you so much for allowing me to leave this lengthy but inspired response. your story helped me settle in easy tonight. ♥ stephey

[lsr]

love each moment....found that on a cup in a gift shop......regardless of where you are or aren't, i say!!!!
growing up in a small, small, small town, "real" was in my face as well as not so real....had both experiences. beings it was in the late 60's early 70's, the "search" for real was the movement. love real...adored how brave some people were when they could just say what was ever on their mind, whenever, to whomever...what a phenomena to observe people being so honestly-real, as being shy was a challenge to just be. then midlife awakening- having gruel with the beast-moment came later...awakening an ability to....move more in the "real" direction, finding a structure within that demanded certain "realness" what i could tolerate and not tolerate, from food, people, music, places, etc. learning my way around me..from the inside out....easier, kind of now....still shy. guess that is for another day.boils down to basiclally, if you mean it say it, if you don't mean it, don't say it, be it, love it, do it...etc. just grateful to say hi, thanks. peace b-<3