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Monday
Jun092008
blog series - introduction
Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 1 - Track 1 (Post #1)
Welcome to the first post of the parenting blog series. I want to start by thanking you for participating – I’m so excited and looking forward to your comments, ideas and questions.
I’ve received several emails about logistics, so I think I’ll cover that first.
1. Will the series posts be normal blog posts? Yes. I originally planned to have a separate blog just for the series, but I think it’s too confusing. Each of the series posts will be clearly defined (look for the CD cover artwork) and numbered (CD & Track#s). I’ll do other posts during the month, but I think I’m going to stick with the parenting theme!
2. Do I need to buy the CD? Everyone is welcome to follow along, but my posts (and I’m guessing many of the comments/questions) will be based on the CD content.
3. Can I start any time? Absolutely - I know people are still ordering CDs. Read the posts in order and jump in any time! The posts will all be archived by "imperfect parenting." You can also just click on the CD Set cover on the left and it will take you to the series.
I’ve received several emails about logistics, so I think I’ll cover that first.
1. Will the series posts be normal blog posts? Yes. I originally planned to have a separate blog just for the series, but I think it’s too confusing. Each of the series posts will be clearly defined (look for the CD cover artwork) and numbered (CD & Track#s). I’ll do other posts during the month, but I think I’m going to stick with the parenting theme!
2. Do I need to buy the CD? Everyone is welcome to follow along, but my posts (and I’m guessing many of the comments/questions) will be based on the CD content.
3. Can I start any time? Absolutely - I know people are still ordering CDs. Read the posts in order and jump in any time! The posts will all be archived by "imperfect parenting." You can also just click on the CD Set cover on the left and it will take you to the series.
4. Do I need to be a parent to get something from this series? No. And, I’m honestly surprised by my answer. Several of the reviewers suggested that I not limit it to parenting. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. We were ALL parented.
5. What are you going to talk about? Two weeks after the lecture, I met with the audience to answer and discuss questions that they had emailed me after our first meeting. I love the idea of “getting back together” after a lecture or workshop. This material needs marinating time. My plan is talk about some of the most frequently asked questions, give examples and respond to your comments.
6. What about the discussion guide? It's available now! Click on the link on the left side of your screen or click here.
Parenting is a vulnerable topic. Please be respectful and thoughtful in your comments. This is a shame-free zone. Also, I won’t be able to keep up with the posting if I send this to my copy editor. If you run across mistakes (grammar, spelling, etc.), let me know. It won’t hurt my feelings. It will happen.
OK – let’s get to it!
There are three things from the introduction track that I really want to explore:
1. How the 10 guideposts emerged
2. The concept of “engaged parenting”
3. The idea that “it’s not the picture, it’s the album”
The 10 Guideposts for Engaged Parenting
OK – let’s get to it!
There are three things from the introduction track that I really want to explore:
1. How the 10 guideposts emerged
2. The concept of “engaged parenting”
3. The idea that “it’s not the picture, it’s the album”
The 10 Guideposts for Engaged Parenting
Based on my work, I would say that most people are on a journey of personal growth and self-discovery. For some, the journey is very conscious and intentional. For others, personal growth and self-discovery are just things that happen while we’re busy living. Either way, after interviewing hundreds of very diverse men and women, I’m comfortable saying that we all seem to be searching for the same things: The courage to be authentic, the compassion to love and be loved, and the connections that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.
I’ve interviewed folks with unimaginable wealth and status and I’ve spent equal time with men and women who have survived unbelievable trauma, grief, poverty, and tragedy. In doing this work, I’ve learned that you can’t buy your way through the journey. There are no shortcuts. And, on the other side, we all have the potential to overcome our histories and cultivate courage, compassion and connection.
So, what about parenting? I found that parenting has the greatest impact on our quest for self-discovery. We can’t drop off our children at the destination, like we drop them off at birthday parties, but we can prepare them for their own journey. We can parent and live in a way that provides our children with guideposts. This is how the “guideposts for engaged parenting” emerged.
Can children who are raised without these guideposts find their way? Of course. Will it be more difficult? Based on my research and research by other social scientists, I believe it will.
Will children who are raised with these guideposts get lost and hurt? Of course. But, in addition to helping us find our way, these guideposts make us more resilient, hopeful and grounded.
Engaged Parenting
I try to stay as far away as possible from the good parent / bad parent descriptors. Why? Because on any given day, you could file me under both. It’s hurtful. It’s NOT helpful. This is why I talk about engaged parenting. Even when I’m making imperfect parenting choices, I’m engaged. I’m conscious, vulnerable, and invested.
Six years ago, I did the Danskin Triathlon in Austin, Texas. It was a huge deal for me. When Dawn signed me up, I knew I wouldn’t have much time to train. The triathlon was two weeks after my dissertation defense. It was a big deal because it was something that terrified me and something I couldn’t do perfectly. I knew I’d have to walk part of the run. I knew there was a chance I’d have to get off of my bike. I knew I’d have to run through a crowd in a bathing suit. I wasn’t going to do well and I wasn’t going to look good. I was just going to be present, engaged, and imperfect.
Can children who are raised without these guideposts find their way? Of course. Will it be more difficult? Based on my research and research by other social scientists, I believe it will.
Will children who are raised with these guideposts get lost and hurt? Of course. But, in addition to helping us find our way, these guideposts make us more resilient, hopeful and grounded.
Engaged Parenting
I try to stay as far away as possible from the good parent / bad parent descriptors. Why? Because on any given day, you could file me under both. It’s hurtful. It’s NOT helpful. This is why I talk about engaged parenting. Even when I’m making imperfect parenting choices, I’m engaged. I’m conscious, vulnerable, and invested.
Six years ago, I did the Danskin Triathlon in Austin, Texas. It was a huge deal for me. When Dawn signed me up, I knew I wouldn’t have much time to train. The triathlon was two weeks after my dissertation defense. It was a big deal because it was something that terrified me and something I couldn’t do perfectly. I knew I’d have to walk part of the run. I knew there was a chance I’d have to get off of my bike. I knew I’d have to run through a crowd in a bathing suit. I wasn’t going to do well and I wasn’t going to look good. I was just going to be present, engaged, and imperfect.
Sometimes, when we can’t tolerate imperfection, uncertainty, or vulnerability, we opt out of engagement. Unfortunately, disengagement can be our default. Engaged parenting means feeling, thinking, and questioning.
I've met many wonderful engaged parents who are in their 60’s and 70’s. Their children are adults, but these men and women are still fully engaged in the process. Learning, asking questions, teaching, and grandparenting in ways they never imagined parenting.
The engaged parenting motto seems to be, “I’m not perfect, but I’m here. Open. Present. Willing. Fully engaged.”
It’s Not the Picture, It's the Album
As we go through the parenting series, I guarantee there will be times when you think, “Oh no! I do that. I’ve done that. I’ve said that. I didn’t know.” We all feel that way. I think it’s important to remember that how a person remembers (and is influenced by) their parenting experiences is not a single picture. Our representation is more like an album. Yes, there are hard, difficult snapshots, but what is the overall album like? Are those snapshots balanced by positive shots? Into what context do we slip those difficult pictures?
For example, we’re going to talk a lot about shame and guilt. There’s no question - we’ve all shamed our children (intentionally or unintentionally). But here’s the question – is shame our primary parenting tool? Is our family culture one of shame and blame? There’s a huge difference. If isolated shaming happens, then we essentially crop those moments and they become small pictures in a larger album full of other experiences. If the entire album is full of shame (or there are no other experiences to balance it), we have a different challenge. We have a family culture that needs healing (which is absolutely possible).
I just think, as we go through this series, it’s very helpful to remember that when we see ourselves in the examples, that it’s the album, not the random picture.
I've met many wonderful engaged parents who are in their 60’s and 70’s. Their children are adults, but these men and women are still fully engaged in the process. Learning, asking questions, teaching, and grandparenting in ways they never imagined parenting.
The engaged parenting motto seems to be, “I’m not perfect, but I’m here. Open. Present. Willing. Fully engaged.”
It’s Not the Picture, It's the Album
As we go through the parenting series, I guarantee there will be times when you think, “Oh no! I do that. I’ve done that. I’ve said that. I didn’t know.” We all feel that way. I think it’s important to remember that how a person remembers (and is influenced by) their parenting experiences is not a single picture. Our representation is more like an album. Yes, there are hard, difficult snapshots, but what is the overall album like? Are those snapshots balanced by positive shots? Into what context do we slip those difficult pictures?
For example, we’re going to talk a lot about shame and guilt. There’s no question - we’ve all shamed our children (intentionally or unintentionally). But here’s the question – is shame our primary parenting tool? Is our family culture one of shame and blame? There’s a huge difference. If isolated shaming happens, then we essentially crop those moments and they become small pictures in a larger album full of other experiences. If the entire album is full of shame (or there are no other experiences to balance it), we have a different challenge. We have a family culture that needs healing (which is absolutely possible).
I just think, as we go through this series, it’s very helpful to remember that when we see ourselves in the examples, that it’s the album, not the random picture.
OK - that's it for tonight. I'll see you later this week. My goal is to explore 2-3 tracks per week.
Again, thank you so much for being here! I'm looking forward to your comments, questions, ideas, and suggestions.
Update on Wednesday, June 11, 2008 by
Brené Brown
Brené Brown
Thank you for your comments!
Here are some of my thoughts:
I think this work has really affected my understanding of how I was parented. I love the idea of compassion for "my imperfect and wonderful parents" - I surely hope Ellen and Charlie look back at their experiences with that level of understanding!
Potty training - in terms of "shame vulnerability" this is still a huge one (frustration, stool holding, accidents in the car when your late for work, power struggles, pressure from school, grandparents and peers). We'll talk about it more when we get to the track on shame, but I think just knowing that the vulnerability exists can make us more mindful about the importance of deep breathing and the critical differences between guilt and shame. We'll also talk (a lot) about the relationship between shame and perfectionism (a relationship I know too well).
"Changing my world view" - I think this is a very accurate description of how this work has affected me. It turned my thinking upside down. Many people ask, "It's your work - how could it be a huge shock to you?" When you collect thousands of stories and start putting them together in a way that makes sense (technically called qualitative data collection and analysis), you don't know what you're going to find. It's like putting a puzzle together.
It took me years to put this together. When I was done I saw a picture of the world that felt radically different, scary, hopeful, and urgent for me. Like, "OMG - I get this. This makes sense. I'm not doing this, but I see why it's important and I'm going to try.” More to come on this next post!
Logistics question - do you think it's better for me to leave a comment here or post an update. I'm doing both today to see if there are any preferences out there???
PS Jen - it is hot up in there!!! Stay cool my friend!
And, I heart Chaz. He's one of my BFFs and he emailed my first correction! That's true love. He knows that I'm working through the shame paralysis of posting without having my writing edited. To write authentically, I have to just go, go, go. I wish I could type and edit as quickly as ideas come to mind. I love and appreciate the help.
Here are some of my thoughts:
I think this work has really affected my understanding of how I was parented. I love the idea of compassion for "my imperfect and wonderful parents" - I surely hope Ellen and Charlie look back at their experiences with that level of understanding!
Potty training - in terms of "shame vulnerability" this is still a huge one (frustration, stool holding, accidents in the car when your late for work, power struggles, pressure from school, grandparents and peers). We'll talk about it more when we get to the track on shame, but I think just knowing that the vulnerability exists can make us more mindful about the importance of deep breathing and the critical differences between guilt and shame. We'll also talk (a lot) about the relationship between shame and perfectionism (a relationship I know too well).
"Changing my world view" - I think this is a very accurate description of how this work has affected me. It turned my thinking upside down. Many people ask, "It's your work - how could it be a huge shock to you?" When you collect thousands of stories and start putting them together in a way that makes sense (technically called qualitative data collection and analysis), you don't know what you're going to find. It's like putting a puzzle together.
It took me years to put this together. When I was done I saw a picture of the world that felt radically different, scary, hopeful, and urgent for me. Like, "OMG - I get this. This makes sense. I'm not doing this, but I see why it's important and I'm going to try.” More to come on this next post!
Logistics question - do you think it's better for me to leave a comment here or post an update. I'm doing both today to see if there are any preferences out there???
PS Jen - it is hot up in there!!! Stay cool my friend!
And, I heart Chaz. He's one of my BFFs and he emailed my first correction! That's true love. He knows that I'm working through the shame paralysis of posting without having my writing edited. To write authentically, I have to just go, go, go. I wish I could type and edit as quickly as ideas come to mind. I love and appreciate the help.
Reader Comments (11)
My husband and I are both perfectionists in different ways and your line about not being able to give what you don't have really struck a chord. Looking forward to learning more here. Thank you!
jumped into the audio CD last night, happy to see the discussion guide available today!! I was so excited for the series, that I couldn't stop at just the introduction last night!
Question: Is this the lecture that you actually were hoping for a car wrecking, non life-threatening accident to happen just so you could get out of it?! I'm glad your husband talked you off that ledge (remembering an earlier blog post) because I can't tell you how much has resonated with me in just the first 4 tracks! Thanks for all your hard work and dedication...it's changing lives.
1. Engaged vs. good/bad.
I'm so in the process of learning this in all of my life right now. I am a first born of a first born, with perfectionism running in my veins. It is a cosmic battle for me to not fall into the trap of right/wrong, black/white, good/bad. I've made a conscious effort to try NOT to pass that on to my daughters as far as them feelig expected to be perfect. And I'm working on holding ambiguity in other areas of my life. But this made me realize I still judge, internally, how others are parenting. And that just under the surface attitude is affecting my kids. My first born has what seems an innate tendency toward perfection, with all the pitfalls that come with it. Realizing I can't help her through without changing my worldview is a scary prospect.
2. It's the album, not the picture.
Thank goodness. And truly, what a helpful way to look at things. I try to parent consciously, deliberately - but I have SO many moments that result in pictures I don't like. And it's very easy to beat myself up for that. The voices get very loud and condemning when I get a picture like that. So being able to look at it from the album perspective is a big deal.
3. You can't teach what you don't own
It's so easy to feel guilty about the time and attention my own journey is taking. I need the constant reminder that my growth is benefitting - is actually essential for - the growth of my children. That thought will help me stay on the path.
Thanks for doing this. What I've listened to of the CD so far is amazing - I'm excited about the discussion.
I think I got up to track 3, and I was just nodding, mmmhmming the whole way.
So much of my journey in trying to grow as a parent has also helped me look at my own wonderful and imperfect parents with a greater degree of compassion. Thanks for these wonderful insights, Brene! Looking forward to getting the cd and following along.
Here are some of my thoughts:
I think this work has really affected my understanding of how I was parented. I love the idea of compassion for "my imperfect and wonderful parents" - I surely hope Ellen and Charlie look back at their experiences with that level of understanding!
Potty training - in terms of "shame vulnerability" this is still a huge one (frustration, stool holding, accidents in the car when your late for work, power struggles, pressure from school, grandparents and peers). We'll talk about it more when we get to the track on shame, but I think just knowing that the vulnerability exists can make us more mindful about the importance of deep breathing and the critical differences between guilt and shame. We'll also talk (a lot) about the relationship between shame and perfectionism (a relationship I know too well).
"Changing my world view" - I think this is a very accurate description of how this work has affected me. It turned my thinking upside down. Many people ask, "It's your work - how could it be a huge shock to you?" When you collect thousands of stories and start putting them together in a way that makes sense (technically called qualitative data collection and analysis), you don't know what you're going to find. It's like putting a puzzle together.
It took me years to put this together. When I was done I saw a picture of the world that felt radically different, scary, hopeful, and urgent for me. Like, "OMG - I get this. This makes sense. I'm not doing this, but I see why it's important and I'm going to try.” More to come on this next post!
Logistics question - do you think it's better for me to leave a comment here or post an update. I'm doing both today to see if there are any preferences out there???
PS Jen - it is hot up in there!!! Stay cool my friend!
And, I heart Chaz. He's one of my BFFs and he emailed my first correction! That's true love. He knows that I'm working through the shame paralysis of posting without having my writing edited. To write authentically, I have to just go, go, go. I wish I could type and edit as quickly as ideas come to mind. I love and appreciate the help.
I haven't gotten my CD yet, but I've enjoyed the comments none the less.
I went to a screen showing and panel discussion on a documentary called 'What Babies Want' yesterday evening. The doc was okay, but the discussion after the viewing was SO good and what the panelists and audience kept repeating was this idea of imperfect parenting. At one point, after a particularly moving comment about *striving* to be imperfect parents from the family physician on the panel applause broke out and he (the physician), yelled out, "So go out and sin profusely!" It was great!!!
Looking forward to participating the discussion more once the CD lands in my mailbox.
Thanks for this,
Veronique
I imagine you are familar with the Tao Te Ching (I highly recommend Stephen Mitchell's "New English Version"). I quote:
When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other...
Oh, I so agree that the good/bad descriptors trap us (but we all want to use them). We've all been "good" or "bad" at different moments. Parenting is such a difficult and emotional joy/job. Most everyone is trying to do the best they can. Embracing your faults is very hard. For me, staying engaged when I am exhausted is the most difficult. Your work has opened me to forgive myself when I am not as engaged as I imagine I could be. I have hope that my boys will see the album and not some of the scary snapshots that are out there. Lastly, can you comment more on the "you can't give what you don't have" aspect. This has really hit home for me. I totally agree with it, but the ramifactions of that statement are profound. How do you work on what you don't have AND give it to your children at the same time?