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imperfect parenting series - being still
Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 1 - Track 5 (Post #6)
Rest. Creativity.Grattitude. For the past 20 years, I lived like these are luxuries. I believed that creative, well-rested, grateful folks needed to get busy. Make a difference. Help out with some of the heavy lifting in the world. My judgments about “these people” ran from narcissistic to flakey and lazy.
I was busy working, planning, implementing, accumulating, earning, and proving.
Why? What was I working toward? What was I trying to earn?
Now I know.
I believed that permission to slow down was externally granted and I was trying to earn the right to slow down from the world.
Lazy and narcissistic are huge shame triggers for me. I was trying to prove that I was good enough to rest for a few minutes.
I was planning for the creative life I’d have some day. Some day. The day after everyone said, “OK. You’re good enough. We know you’re productive.”
I was trying to accumulate enough courage to be grateful. I was afraid that moving from scarcity to gratitude would kill my passion and commitment. Or, even worse, invite tragedy. I was afraid that the minute I acknowledged how great something was, it would be lost or taken away.
In the lecture, I talk about exhaustion, over-scheduling, and multi-tasking as status symbols. I had a lot of status in this world. From far away, I looked pretty good.
When the guideposts for parenting started emerging from the research, I remember thinking, “Oh my God. What does this mean? I want Ellen and Charlie to make time for rest and creativity. I want them to be grateful.” I looked up at the poster full of notes hanging on the wall (where I do my data analysis) and literally shrieked when I read these words that were scrawled across the top of the poster board in red sharpie: CAN’T GIVE KIDS WHAT WE DON’T HAVE.
I started reading my own notes with new eyes.
“Bedtimes and nap schedules are important, but they really don’t help with the bigger issue. If we’re exhausted and stressed, our children are exhausted and stressed.”
“We can encourage our children’s creativity all we want, but if they don’t see us exploring our own, they’ll know it doesn’t really have much value to us.”
“If gratitude really matters, make it a family practice.”
“Is accumulation a family value? Are we raising our children in a climate of scarcity?”
At the bottom of the poster there was one word: CONTAGIOUS.
Having spent the past 18 months working on these issues in my own life, I understand what the word means now. Exhaustion, scarcity, and accumulation are contagious social epidemics. When we catch them, we bring them home and spread them to our children.
At the heart of rest, creativity, and gratitude is stillness. Can we be still? Physically still? Still enough to allow our creativity to bubble to the surface? Still enough to stop craving more and acknowledge what we have?
I’m still figuring this out. I’m working on it everyday. We’ve started carving out space for creative projects and it’s been some of the best time I’ve ever spent with Ellen. She’s always loved crafts, but now, rather than working on my laptop while she’s doing it, I do with her. I swear I can see something in her eyes that says, “Mom thinks this is important too.” Now I understand why one of my best memories from my childhood is doing art with my mom.
As for me, photography and crafting have changed my life. I see beauty in places that I could have never imagined. Last year, my mom, Ellen and I went to a gourd-paining class taught by nationally renown folk artist, Laura López Cano. It was the first time I’d held a paintbrush as an adult. It took me ten minutes to even start. When Laura saw me fighting back tears, she walked over and put her hand on top of mine. She whispered, “It’s OK. I know. Look at your daughter. She’s on her second one already. She hasn’t learned to be afraid of her creativity yet. She’s still OK just having fun and being imperfect.”
I know I still need help with this and I’m sure others do to. We would love to hear how you make space for rest, creativity, and gratitude in your life! Luckily, these things are contagious too, so spread the love.
Brené Brown
I've been thinking about the different ways we explore creativity in our house. Ellen reminded me that we dance almost everyday!
Sometimes all four of us dance around the kitchen. We do the Cotton-eyed Joe, we dance to fun music like Mika and AC/DC. We dance to Neil Diamond's "Havah Nagilah" and Louis Armstrong's "When the Saints Go Marching In." Ellen likes Vanilla Ice, the Happy Feet soundtrack and Gwen Stephani. Charlie likes "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith and Run-DMC. Music is a huge part of our lives and we love it all.
Today, Sara (one of my students) sent me a link to this video! I'm going to add this move to my repertoire and call it "The Matt."
Enjoy and learn more about Matt here!
Reader Comments (13)
for me, throwing pottery and a weekly trip to the Dharma Center for a 40-minute sit and Dharma talk seem to work. At this rate, I could be the perfect mother by 50, too bad they will be grown and gone!
thank you.
“We can encourage our children’s creativity all we want, but if they don’t see us exploring our own, they’ll know it doesn’t really have much value to us.”
I am working on the stillness and space for rest. I think they can see that I value those things. We don't do it perfectly, but we do gratitude.
But I don't do creativity. I HAVE learned to be afraid of it. I don't think I'm good at any of it. I encourage it my kids, I think - but I've not been PARTICIPATING in it with them.
I have a class coming up that requires a portfolio with "artwork" on the cover. So I've been coloring mandalas I pulled off the web. The kids were so excited. And it wasn't that hard. We can do that kind of stuff more.
I've got 5 years worth of pictures waiting on me to be put into books. Before I read this, I had already decided that my fall project is to start working on them and the scrapbooking to get them back in order. I hadn't contemplated sharing the chore, uhmm... adventure... but maybe I should.
Creativity was not valued in my growing up world - production was. And until I actually read this post here in black and white today - I didn't realize how much of that attitude I was handing down.
Maybe I can start with fakin' it until I can make it with this one.....
When I see how busy my daughters are today I realize that they are a reflection of what they saw growing up. I see too that they are making changes and building in creative time and resting time and gratitude time with their own children and I am thankful for the changes.
And most of all, I am happy that I am off the societal treadmill and I am enjoying my granddaughters often and to the fullest. I still have to remind myself that others judgments are not my issue. It was hard not to defend myself to my father last week though.
Thank you for your writing, sharing and encouragement. Have a wonderful summer - painting, creating, resting, enjoying!
When Sayer sits down to draw, I pull out my journal/sketchbook and we draw side by side. Some of my favorite pages of MY journal are the ones that Sayer drew on. He loves it when we draw together. "Do art with me Mommy". It is some of our best times together.
I live in the Schwarzwald(Black Forest), Germany, have 3 adult children in Dallas area, and have been a closet writer/artist/photographer for years. My journey for creativity and rest began 20 years ago when my ex- decided he didn't want to be married anymore and left me to rear 3 children alone. Going back to Uni I found more than trauma - I searched for and found my loves. Julia Cameron's writings sent me on my first discovery. And then I became a Writing Workshop trainer. All of this lead me to a place of questioning peace and stillness. Richard Foster's writings encouraged me to seek solitude and silence. I ventured into my first silent retreats. Being a teacher allowed me to have summers available for this. Granted my children were a bit older by then; they had watched me discover myself and in discovering myself and God, they had permission to discover themselves and God. Nothing was off limits, if it was an interest. I encouraged time alone, journaling time, reading time, and spiritual time. Even their love of art blossomed.
Now? My journey lead me to Germany. Here I am in the beginnings of writing and producing a small newsletter to encourage women in churches and missionaries in Europe. I am learning a new language, a new culture, a new creativity. I connect with women from different backgrounds - incredibly different than my suburban American life...
But, I am reminded how important my personal private weekly artist dates are by reading your blog. Thank you. And I am reminded that in my search I allowed both myself and my children to be fallible. They are amazing adults. And we are closer than some that might live in the same city. Amazingly enough - we live across a vast ocean...
Yes, I encourage you in this endeavor to find creativity, to find rest, to Being instead of just Doing... we are Human Beings – I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that (older women smiles and gazes out upon the castle from her balkony - knowing... just knowing, this woman she doesn't know ... knows this truth) - and I believe that even God smiles on these notions