claiming space

I've been in hiding. Seriously. I spent this week writing in Austin.  I stayed with my dear friend, Chaz, and outlined my new book (chapter titles, content, etc.). I even finished the second chapter (I never write the first chapter first - it's too stressful).

It was so weird and wonderful to spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but writing, thinking about writing, and talking to myself. I completely turned the days over to the process. I would write, do yoga, fall asleep, write some more, watch Law & Order, take a walk, get Indian take-out, stay up until midnight, sleep late, blast the music, and dance.

There were moments when I felt like I was watching myself. Like I was the lead actor in a Lifetime movie about a middle-aged woman who was trying to write a book and had rented a cottage on the shore. It felt too good to be real.

There were also moments when I had to push back feelings of indulgence. I had to silence the shame tape that loves to play "Who do you think you are?" over and over and over.

 

There were also moments of real homesickness. I missed the mornings. Bringing coffee to Steve and smelling my kids' hair when I nuzzle them awake. I missed this . . .

 

The funny thing is that Steve has never been resistant to the idea of me taking a writing week. I've blamed him for years, but he wasn't the problem. I was the problem. I didn't believe in my own worth. Some most of this was tied to money. If I were making tons of money from my writing, taking time to do it would be easy. I know that sucks, but it's my truth. I know this kind of thinking is playing into terrible cultural values, but these are my feelings.

I've been thinking a lot about success lately. What is it? How do I want to measure it? Do I deserve it? What would I be willing to give up to have it? Am I willing to invite it into my life?

Writing this new book, which is about rebuilding my life after losing the great emotional street fight of 2007, has proved to be a jarring reminder about the power of defining your own success.  I've tasted just enough success to know that it can be as delicious as dark chocolate or as foul and metallic-tasting as blood.

Here's what I'm thinking about success (right this minute):

I want to be true to myself. I want to be imperfect, authentic, courageous, compassionate and connected in my work and in my life.

I want to be physically available (read not too much travel) and emotionally engaged with my family.

I want to do work that I love and work that might make the world a kinder, gentler place.

I want to find happiness and beauty in the ordinary and the now, rather than buy into the belief that only the extraordinary is worthwhile and "the good times" are in the future. 

OK - here goes . . . don't look . . . I want to be successful. I don't need a lot of money or recognition for self-worth purposes, but I do want to value my work enough to put value on it.

And, man . . . that's hard sometimes. Especially in a world where teachers and social workers make less than corporate raiders. In a world where one-of-a-kind works of art on Etsy are less expensive than mass-produced works of plastic. In a culture that pays lip service to the importance of raising children, but does little to support and validate parents, especially mothers.

 

It's hard when your academic and activist training says, "If it helps the world, money isn't important" or "If you get to do what you love, asking to get paid for it is selfish." It's hard when your self-worth says, "Don't invite success! What will people think? Better to push it away then resent it for not coming."

But here's what I know for sure: change is in the air. I'm starting to believe that it's not about rejecting success, but rejecting the definitions of success that the world hands us. We need to develop our own standards for success and cultivate the courage and self-love we need to invite success into our lives.

 

Marianne Williamson writes, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you."

How do you define success in your life? What messages make you shrink and keep you from claiming the space you deserve? 

Comments

[Irene]

How do I define success? You--the talent, the juggling, the guilt, the struggling, and the HONESTY! As to the second question: fear and judgment. They are usually the two that hold people from their potential.

[Wanda]

"If I were making tons of money from my writing, taking time to do it would be easy."

I sure do get that one.

Right now, success is putting one foot in front of the other to take the next step toward the divine. Honesty, authenticity, truth, compassion, faith, integrity.

Each day that I manage to take the high road, in spite of the pull to lash out or be vengeful or negatively reactive...that's success.

[Jen A.]

Ooooh. I love Wanda's last sentence.

That, too, is success in my book.

Yes, taking the high road in spite of the pull to be negatively reactive.

Amen. And, hallelujah.

[Renae C]

That's the $64K question, now isn't it - how do I define success? I'm working on that one.

But feeling like I don't deserve it because it doesn't look like the societal model certainly holds me back.

Society defines success as production, doing, achieving, gaining, having something to show - it's the only definition I've ever known. But there is another way to look at it - as relating, loving, caring, growing, moving, seeking - that's becoming more important to me with every step on this journey. Both are necessary, but society certainly places less emphasis on the second definition.

So, defining success that way not only means re-orienting my view, it means bucking "the way it's supposed to be" - and those voices of condescension that say "this is never going to get you anywhere! when are you going to start paying your own way? you are wasting everything you've worked for!" are SO LOUD sometimes that it hurts to ignore them and go the other direction.

Marianne Williamson was new to me when I read your first book - and she knocked me on my ass then and so did this quote. Playing small, hiding my light, going along to get along, has always been what I had to do to survive.

I don't know for sure what life will look like lived out from under the bushel - but I'm doing my best to find out. And the sharing you do here is helping me - and many others - take that next step, and the next one and the next one. So enjoy your hiding out time, but don't stay away too long!

[kathryn]

I can't pretend to understand why I was sent to this website at this time in my life. But I can be immeasurably greatfull that I was. Thank you for having the courage to acknowledge, much less write about these subjects which are SO IMPORTANT to how we are behaving as human beings, and parents. I don't know really, how to express how much of an impact your research, and courage to share your own experiences have helped me and my husband be better parents, and human beings. Thank you. -kat

[homedotmade]

>>>I want to find happiness and beauty in the ordinary and the now, rather than buy into the belief that only the extraordinary is worthwhile and "the good times" are in the future.<<<

THIS is what I struggle with, That I have to wait for my reward, that I can't have the things I need in my life (including success) until some point in the future.

I see the beauty, I'm not sure it sees me.

[deb]

I'm a nurse and a mother. To me success is making a patient comfortable, alleviating their pain or fear, or just listening. As a mother it's much more difficult, I can't alleviate my children's pain or fear but I can listen, I can love them as they are.

I'm reading a wonderful book right now that you might find interesting. It's called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate. Dr. Mate works with drug addicts in Vancouver. The book is about addictions, not just of drug addicts but the addictions we all have and use to avoid pain and feeling.

Take care.

[Joan]

Bravo! Thank you for telling your story... The daily task of being cool with yourself just as you are, and for however that is. I struggle with the "what did I get done today? How many things did I check off the list?" Most of the time, much of the list is really unimportant! I always get stuff done on time--that has never been a problem, so why does my head tell me that one day it will be a problem. I have many years under my belt to know the real truth---It is all going to get done! Why can't I accept that and move on?
I left the traditional workforce a couple of years ago and now have the luxury to be a full-time mom and family manager... whatever that means! I relish it more than I could have ever imagined. I used to feel inadequate when I was not juggling a million balls in the air. I am learning that multi-tasking is not all it is cracked up to be--you miss the really good stuff. I am much closer to being in the moment and prioritizing in a healthy way. For me, that means doing art projects, taking a daily run, preparing a tasty dinner, being a loving friend, sister, daughter, mother, wife & employer. When I stay on course, I feel good-when I am true to myself I feel good-- when I don't listen to my intuition, I feel bad. When I deplete my energy, I feel bad.
Your blog is so comforting. Thank you, Brene and all the bloggers with comments!

[david]

great post, so glad I came over form Chris' blog to find you.
I will read this again, and write more, since it is where I express what is closest to my inner true person.
( but for now I have to wash windows... hehe)

[annie]

I feel like I just read what's going on in my own brain! I also took a peace+quiet retreat away from my kids and husband to get things done this weekend. And had to fight feelings of who-do-you-think-you-are-ness, although they all had a great time and treasured the alone time together.

I especially love your thoughts on success. I just had a similar conversation with a group of friends where we wondered if we could balance our desire for success with our desire for connectedness--loving and being loved and available. Thanks for being an example of someone who is authentically and honestly seeking to do both and allowing the definitions to evolve. Cheers~

[B.]

The other side of the success jungle is: what happens is others (my clients?) say that I AM a success and throw money at me? Does that make me more valuable, because I managed to get someone else say I am successful?

It has to come from the inside, but how?

[linni]

why do we feel ashamed to say:

"I am successful"
"I want to make loads of money doing what I love"

In "The Breakthrough Experience' by Dr. John F Demartini he asks these questions:
1. What would I absolutely love to do in life?
2. How do I become handsomely or beautifully paid to do it?

we just have to do it...then accept it...and love every minute along the way xx

[Danielle M]

Dear Brene: Just finished reading "Claiming Space." I have had a horribly trying work week, the kind that makes you question ... well, everything.
my sister sent me a link to your blog with the subject line 'really great stuff'. When I had a moment to breathe, I closed my office door and started reading. I was inspired to send you this message, because your words defined my moment of happy today. they allowed me to reclaim space in my mind and regain my centre. I have been able to take a deep breath and leave the day behind me. I can now go home with a calm mind to spend some time with my husband. so that makes two lives that you have made better today. and I bought your latest book. hopefully, I have reciprocated at least a little bit of the encouragement that you sent my way.