imperfect parenting series - spirit

Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 2 - Track 1 (Post #7)

I've been searching for a definition of spirituality that works for me for as long as I've been . . . well . . . searching for a spiritual life that works for me. Both of these searches have been intensely personal. I NEVER thought I’d be grappling with issues of spirituality in my work.

But, here I am and there’s just no denying it. Across my interviews it became clear to me that individuals and families journeying toward courage, compassion and connection, share something in common that I can only call spirit.

Here’s my working definition of spirituality:

Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricable connected to each other by a power greater than all of us and that our connection to that power and to one other is grounded in love and compassion.

I’m not sharing this definition with you as a form of evangelizing. It’s simply that, as a researcher, I think it’s important to share my definition so you can understand how I’m using the term.

Based on my research, I believe our spirituality can be seen in the way we:

• Practice our faith
• Respect  nature
• Build communities
• Honor intuition
• Engage in activism
• Laugh with the people we love
• And find happiness in ordinary moments (like song, dance, and play)
  

For many of the people I interviewed, their spirituality is not connected to a specific church or theology. They hold spirit sacred through other traditions and belief systems. For others, spirit takes the shape of traditional religion. In our family, it’s hard to tell where one form of spirit begins and the other ends.

For example, when we talk about God and gratitude, we might be in church, or we might be admiring the vast beauty of the Texas Hill Country, or we might be listening to Willie Nelson sing Amazing Grace. I personally can’t imagine our spiritual life without nature or music. I also can’t separate our spiritual life from our activism (we intentionally picked a church with a strong social justice mission). Activism, community, and faith are all sacred for us.

On the CD, I talk a lot about intuition as a form of spirit. I think it’s critically important that we nurture and honor our children’s intuition (and our own). The research taught me that there’s something very sacred about our internal radar – our heart logic. Of course, this is another one of those, “Can’t give our children what we don’t have” issues. If we’ve silenced our gut instincts or learned how to ignore our intuition, it will be hard to nurture intuition in our children. Listening to our intuition can easily give way to being polite, pleasing, and second-guessing our own experiences.

Ellen and I fell in love with the little turtle from Over the Hedge and we use his “tail-tingling” language when we talk about intuition. Ellen might say something like, “I’m not sure why I don’t want to go to the slumber party, something about it makes my tail tingle.” This gives me the opportunity to say, “Always listen to your intuition. Let’s talk more about it.” Sometimes we discover an underlying issue and she changes her mind, but sometimes we simply honor the tail tingle and leave it at that.

By holding spirit sacred, we invite perspective, purpose, and wonder into our lives. We learn that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and with that come great gifts and great responsibilities. Without spirit we often become so micro-focused that our problems seem larger than our potential.

Pre-teens and teens often struggle against any involvement in family spirituality (from church to camping trips to simply sharing a belly laugh). Interestingly, this developmentally self-focused time is when they need it the most.

As a rule-follower, I can sometimes struggle with my uncharted spiritual path. I would love to hear your definition of spirituality, and I really want to know how you invite perspective, purpose, and wonder into your life and/or your family! I don’t ask for your thoughts and comments to be polite. I ask because I learn so much from all of you. Every comment makes me happy and grateful.

Update on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 by Brené Brown

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Comments

[Monica]

I hope this goes through...the whole "clear your cache" explanation went way over my head! Can you come over and do it dor me? :-)

Spirituality is something that is very important to me but something I've always struggled with. I did not grow up with any type of organized religion but always had a sense spirituality...I just didn't have a name for it. I've come to realize being a Christian isn't just about what I believe but also how I lead my life nurturing relationships and serving others, despite differences. God is love, and I am learning that love really is everywhere...I just need to accept it and learn to love back!

I love the "tail tingle" analogy. I need to listen to my own "tail tingle"...

[Renae C]

My family - okay ME - has been struggling with the fact that sometimes organized religion and organization generally is the antithesis to true spirituality. I grew up in a rigid, rule-based system that was sometimes awfully short on love and compassion. So, we've been trying to reconcile all of that.

We took a sabbatical this summer from our regular place of worship. We have visited other churches, with quite varied styles and formats, on some Sundays. We have enjoyed nature with mini-vacations and hikes and bike rides. We went to the Farmers' Market and brought home fresh food to feast on. All of these things we've done deliberately - talking about God and gratitude and generosity while we did - in place of gettin up and getting dressed and hustling off to church. Not that I didn't know - but it's been very freeing to REALLY get that we can access God and spirit wherever we are.

The one thing we haven't done is the activism stuff. I'm dipping my toes in, but I haven't gotten the family involved much just yet. We need to do that. At it's best, social justice is one of the things organized structure like a church can help facilitate, which is one of the things that prevents me from throwing out the baby with the bath water and just quitting all together.

But our adventure has expanded horizons and loosend old chains and given us a sense of the love and compassion that does connect us all. It's been good for us.

Teaching my kids to honor that and to trust their intuition or the voice of spirit they hear - is important. Learning those lessons has been central in my adult struggle, I hope if they learn them naturally and gently now, they will struggle less later. To me, it's foundational. If they can get that, all of the other falls more naturally into place.

[Bridge]

"Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricable connected to each other by a power greater than all of us and that our connection to that power and to one other is grounded in love and compassion."

This definition is very solid. For our family it seems to be a process of reassuring one another that there is something divine that holds all of us in love and peace. For us, and the adults in the family especially, spirituality is a path of letting go, cultivating gratitude and acceptance of those in our lives or situations we must face. For me, it is a process learning to stop accosting myself with guilt, which is really anger turned inward. Something I have been hardwired to do by my culture that says mothers should have no identity apart from their children and the religion I was raised in that thrived on shame, some I have not quite shaken.

[Jenni]

I struggle with reconciling my views and opinions with those of 'the church'. I feel as though 'the church' (which is where my rule-following brain tells me to be) wants an all-or-nothing committment from me. But there are things I just can't subscribe to in that complete, all or nothing way.
I think spirituality is about getting MY heart closer to God's heart. Opening my heart to what God would have me be open to and pouring out my heart to Him, knowing that there should be no shame in whatever pours out.

[linni]

Have you read 'women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes"?

All about spirit! (i'm sure you have read it!)