imperfect parenting series - making mistakes

Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 2 - Track 2 (Post #8)
Earlier this year, I received an email from a woman thanking me for my work. She told me that her mother had attended one of my lectures and, in her words, had an “aha moment.” A few days after her mom heard me speak about shame resilience, she received a note from her mom that said: 

“I went to a talk at church and learned the difference between shame and guilt. I used the wrong one. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I haven’t liked or approved of everything you’ve done, but I have always loved you and I’ve always known that you’re a wonderful daughter.  I’m sure I told you that you were wrong and bad rather than telling you that I thought your actions were wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sure that’s hurt you.”

The daughter’s email said, “I never thought my mom would say something like that. It’s changed my life and our relationship.”

When the woman emailed me, she was 52 years old and her mother was 75.

Our parenting journey never ends.

And, whether they are 5 years old, or 45 years old, letting our children watch us make mistakes and make amends is one of the greatest and most generous gifts that we can offer. I wish I could bottle the gratitude I heard in the interviews when people talked about the power of having parents who model, teach, and encourage the soulful acts of accepting accountability and apologizing.

I heard examples ranging from a young woman who always heard her parents apologize to each other when they lost their tempers or were hurtful, to a man whose father got sober when he was a teen and talked openly to his son about owning the hurt he caused at home and at the company he owned.

I often hear about tiny life-snippets that make huge differences. One woman told me about watching her mother rage at a young store clerk, then marching to the car and driving home. They were home for about 30 minutes before the mother put her daughter back in the car and returned to the store. She found the clerk and apologized. The clerk started crying and hugged the woman. The young woman who told me the story was 10 when it happened. She said, “I was so embarrassed at the time, but I’ll never forget it. I was secretly so proud of my mom. I remember that story when I need to be brave and tell someone that I’m sorry.”

Several times in the CD, I explain how interconnected the ten guideposts are. This is the perfect example. Making mistakes and making amends is one way we can liberate our children from shame, fear, and blame. When we’re not afraid to make a mistake and we know how to make amends, we’re more likely to practice loving-kindness and more likely to embrace imperfection.

On the other hand, when our children aren’t allowed to watch us make and own our mistakes, they grow up with the fear of being wrong. They grow up believing “to make a mistake is to be a mistake.” Without teaching and modeling, the opportunities for growth through accountability can easily turn into suffocating blame and shame:

• It’s always someone else’s fault.
• I can never be wrong.
• Everything is personal and feels like an attack.
• I need to be perfect to avoid being wrong.

When people ask me questions about my own parents and how I was raised, I don’t have a short answer. I do, however, have the same answer that I hope Ellen and Charlie have. My parents are amazing. They're amazing because they were imperfect. They made mistakes – some small, some big. They did a lot of things that I want to do differently. But, they loved me. And, they did a lot of things that I hope to do with my children. They gave me gifts that I desperately want to pass down to my own children.

Most of all, my parents are amazing because they are not done. And, for this, I’m truly grateful.

My parents are still totally engaged in the parenting journey. Still growing, still asking questions, still talking about issues with us, still learning. I’ve gone back to both of my parents with hard questions about old wounds and they’ve always been willing to sit down and hear me. They’re willing to hold that space without defending, explaining, or rationalizing. I think that’s impossible to do when you believe the parenting journey ends when your kids move out.

My dad once said, “A good parent is not someone who parents perfectly, but someone who wants their children to parent even better than they did, and supports them in that endeavor.”  I think this takes tremendous courage. It’s easy for our parents to see everything we do differently than they did, as criticism. When my parents see me do something in a different way, they ask me about it. They encourage me. They talk to me about their experiences. For me, it feels like a pure form of love and parenting generosity.  

I think one thing that differentiates my work from a lot of the parenting work that’s out there is the idea that, “You can’t give your kids what you don’t have.” The parenting journey never ends because it’s really the same path as our personal journey. I think "who we are" = "how we parent." When we sever our parenting self off from the rest of us, we are no longer whole and we start to grieve and risk feeling lost and even resentful. We get lost, our marriages/parnterships get lost, and we struggle.

We can't stop our own growth journey to make time to parent. The journeys are the same and when we stop moving, we risk dying -  physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

So, go out there and make mistakes. Make amends. Be wonderfully imperfect.

And, if you'd like to share how you model, teach, and encourage accountability (or what gets in your way), I'd love to hear about it! We're all in this together.

Comments

[deb]

"When we’re not afraid to make a mistake and we know how to make amends, we’re more likely to practice loving-kindness and more likely to embrace imperfection.

On the other hand, when our children aren’t allowed to watch us make and own our mistakes, they grow up with the fear of being wrong. They grow up believing “to make a mistake is to be a mistake.” Without teaching and modeling, the opportunities for growth through accountability can easily turn into suffocating blame and shame:

* It’s always someone else’s fault.
* I can never be wrong.
* Everything is personal and feels like an attack.
* I need to be perfect to avoid being wrong."

This is me. For most of my life I've felt like one giant mistake. I know I'm not but that's how I feel. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. I feel like I've been a lousy wife, mother, daughter, friend, you name it, because of all the mistakes I've made. A feeling sometimes reinforced by those around me. I'm only just starting to accept myself and all my mistakes that make up my life and my history, starting to see how important those mistakes have been in teaching me what I needed to learn.

Who decided mistakes are a bad thing? Who taught us that? And why? To what end? It's a terrible thing to do, to convince people that they are only worthy if they're perfect. So I'm learning to be okay with my mistakes, but I have to believe this as well. That one is a little tougher.

Thank you.

[Kerry Beth]

i just want to thank you. a girlfriend of mine turned me on to your blog and i love it. i am at the beginning of my journey of parenthood, my sons are 3 1/2 & 8 months old. i really like what you say about you can't give away what you don't have. i believe this completely, and although at times it terrifies me - it inspires me to continue to work on myself and grow. for the good of me and my beautiful boys. i am so utterly imperfect and continue to struggle with this oh so human trait. i am grateful that i am a work in progress. thanks again for your words.

[Farrah Braniff]

You and I have had this talk before...I am not a great nighttime parent. I just lose steam and I find it so much harder to be calm and sane after about 8 pm. So one night, when Sayer was being difficult at bedtime, I walked into his room and said "lay down!". It was loud and mean and frustrated. I kind of barged in because I had been in so many times before and had asked nicely. I was really on the edge. I scared him. I feel bad even typing this now. He kind of jumped and just looked at me like I'd slapped him. He turned his head into his pillow and just started to cry. I just crumbled inside. I immediately went to his bedside and just apologized. For a minute I wanted to hold my position and march out of the room but I knew that I was wrong. I just told him that I was so sorry. I had used a "mean voice" and that "Mommy made a really bad choice". He look at me and said "you scared me". Oh, it was dreadful and such a weak parenting moment on my part (except for the apology). I just explained that Mommy was really tired and that it was frustrating for me when he chooses not to listen and be helpful at bedtime. It ended ok but it is one of those moments that sticks with me. His little wounded face...

[Stacey D]

"The parenting journey never ends because it’s really the same path as our personal journey. I think "who we are" = "how we parent." When we sever our parenting self off from the rest of us, we are no longer whole and we start to grieve and risk feeling lost and even resentful. We get lost, our marriages/parnterships get lost, and we struggle."

Last night when I first read this I started to cry. This week has been a rough one. It was one filled with frustration and lack of patience. Which in turn fills me with shame and the old recording that says, "You are a horrible mother."

I don't know why it seems for weeks on end we are zooming along on this road called life and everything seems to be going smoothly when BAM! I drive straight into a gigantic shame pothole!

It usually has something to do with not taking time for my self. The problem is I don't even realize that I haven't done it until it is too late. I am grumpy and on edge and almost despise the mundane daily routine. At this point the littlest thing sets me off. My mean and at time nagging voice is ever present.

When I started staying home full time 4 years ago. I really went through an identity crisis of sorts. I had made my self my career. I had worked full time and had been in extensive training for my literacy role for 3 years. And then after that began going to grad school. All of this consumed me and most of my time. So when I graduated grad school and resigned all in the same month, I didn't know what to do with myself.

It took a while to figure out my new role as stay at home mom. But here I am again... wondering who am I without this role? How did I unknowingly separate my parenting self from the rest of me? As your therapist told you, it is time to stop creating who I think I should be and discover who I really am.

How do I do this when I have 2 small children dependent on me? It seems there is little to no time for me, and once they are in bed I just plop down on the couch.

So the thought of who we are = how we parent has been completely true this week. Tired, worn out and feeling unappreciated = nagging and impatient mom who is later in tears because of the shame web she is so caught in!

[Trish]

When I was 35 years old, my mother asked me if she had said things to me that had hurt my feelings or made me feel ashamed of myself when I was growing up. I thought for a moment that I would let her off the hook and say, "no, nothing that lasted..."-- my mother is older (73) and I figured the past was the past. Instead, by some instinct I had, I went ahead and shared with her some of the things that she had said (that I had carried) when I was a kid that had hurt me. She listened carefully and then, with tears in her eyes, apologized for the pain she had caused me. At that moment, any recriminations I had nursed until that point flew out the window. I forgave her, immediately, instinctively. I am so glad that I gave her that opportunity. I am so glad she took it. More than that, I am glad for what the courage of her apology to me offered us: the chance for me to evaluate the kind of daughter I had been and to apologize for the times that I had been insensitive, ungrateful or cruel. That single, frank conversatoin opened the door to a relationship with my mother I had never even bothered to envision. That moment, late on a Saturday night, sitting in the dim light of my mother's kitchen is one of the most singular events in my history of relationships...

[Renae C]

"My parents are still totally engaged in the parenting journey. Still growing, still asking questions, still talking about issues with us, still learning. I’ve gone back to both of my parents with hard questions about old wounds and they’ve always been willing to sit down and hear me. They’re willing to hold that space without defending, explaining, or rationalizing. I think that’s impossible to do when you believe the parenting journey ends when your kids move out."

I hope that's a statement my kids will make about me. It isn't a statement I can make about my parents - and that hurts. It's hard to be on this journey when you are fighting against a long legacy of immobility. I shared part of my story with a group this week - and as I prepared, I realized I wanted to start out with these words: "I've been handed a long legacy of secrecy and shame that I do NOT want to pass down to my daughters" - it was a powerful moment in reframing for me. The hurt is not all gone, but looking at it in a generational view helps me see my parents as the wounded survivors they are - not doing everything I wish they would, but sometimes doing the best they can. Awareness is painful sometimes, but I'm hoping that in my becoming more aware, I can change this legacy of secrecy and shame into something more for my own daughters. If my own personal journey is any measure of my parenting success - I'm at least making some progress.

[Monica]

Brene, I just love your commenters!!!

Commenters, I LOVE you!! It seems I start crying every. single. time. I read these comments. Crazy. You guys are so honest, vulnerable and real! I wish I had you around me in my real life. :)

This hit me like a ton of bricks:
On the other hand, when our children aren’t allowed to watch us make and own our mistakes, they grow up with the fear of being wrong. They grow up believing “to make a mistake is to be a mistake.” Without teaching and modeling, the opportunities for growth through accountability can easily turn into suffocating blame and shame:

* It’s always someone else’s fault.
* I can never be wrong.
* Everything is personal and feels like an attack.
* I need to be perfect to avoid being wrong.

I know my parents love me. And actually, think they are some of the greatest parents around. There are no other parents that could have done a better job of raising me or that I would rather have had. There is very little I would change about my childhood. They continue to be parents. Fully engaged. I adore them. And I know they adore me and are proud of me. But ... the last three bullets ... that's me. Exaclty me. Not so much in that I can never be wrong, but I can never DO the wrong the thing. It's not like I argue a point b/c I can never be wrong, it's more like I can't be wrong b/c that would make me a failure.

To this day ... making the 'right' choice is everything. I've always done the 'right' thing. At least in the big picture. I was the model child. Never smoked, never drank, never was promiscuous. I went to university, got a degree in something I LOVED, got married, had kids, went to church, bought the house, have friends, have smart well behaved kids, ... yada, yada, yada. No screw up here. I do the right thing. And much of my energy is spent analyzing whether I'm on the 'right' road or not. I analyze whether I'm doing the right thing in my personal relationships, my spirituality, and my family choices/relationships. Crap! That's a ton of energy spent trying not to screw up! But what would the big deal be, if I did screw up? Other people would think I was a loser. Gasp! Some already probably do, but I'm working tirelessly to make sure they change their mind or to make sure I'm not who I think they think I am. Probably what I'm more afraid of is the shame. What if I actually AM a loser. If I don't do/think/believe the right thing ... I AM a loser. Hmmm? What I am most scared of would be true. NOT!! But it still scares the shit out of me!

ie. There's a personal relationship/friendship that's just sort of crumbling before my eyes. I think it's all connected to what I believe (spiritually) vs. what she believes. It doesn't mesh. She thinks I'm very, very wrong. I don't know. I think she's wrong, but I doubt myself and I just don't know for sure. This tears me up inside and has me spending countless hours ruminating over what I've said. Evaluating my beliefs. Worrying that I'm on of some sort of terrible spiritual fast track to hell.

* What if it's my fault?
* What if I'm wrong?
* It feels like I'm being attacked.
* What do I need to do to make sure I'm not screwing up?

So are these healthy questions to be asking, or are they shameful questions to be asking? (I really need to get your book Brene. To sort through this whole shame/guilt thing.)

On another note. We just spend 4 days camping with 'wonder parents'. Half the time I felt like a shitty parent ... watching these wonder parents who just LOVED everything about camping ... through the puke in the camper, their urine soaked sheets, and crazy hyper kids .. they were happy as pigs in shit. Happy, happy, happy ... loving every minute of their camping experience. We on the other hand, don't feel the camping love quite as enthusiatically... and we haven't had the puke or the urine, and we're still not really feeling the love all the time. Can you say .... 'camping losers'? What is wrong with us? This is what goes through my head. Their kids are the most compassionate, loving, kind children. What the heck? I spent all weekend looking for a chink in their armor,but I didn't see one. Ours? Falling apart. The armor was definitely missing many steel plates. So is this my scarcity talking? Shame? Or is it just insecurity? On their part or mine? I don't really know how this last paragraph connects to your post .. it was just in my brain and I sent it out. Could be totally unrelated.

Sitting with the messiness. With the ambiguity and the not knowing what's the right thing to do, to think. It's so hard for me. Worrying about being wrong .. it's so consuming. Trying so hard not to be wrong ... it's tiring .. and impossible.

Apologizing to my kids happens on a regular basis. This feels good and right to me. Apologizing gives me the freedom to make mistakes.

[Monica]

One more thing ...

I had a great talk last week about some of your shame stuff with my parents. So cool. We were talking about sexuality. As my girls grow up, I'm more and more aware of what/how I want to talk about sexuality with them.

The conversation centered around 2 of my cousins. One, grew up with a very promiscuous and unfaithful father. She was very sexually active in high school and believe you've got to test drive a bunch of cars before you pick the one that's right for you. She's a resilient, fly by the seat of your pants, let the water slide off your back kind of person. Super fun too. Nothing sticks to her. My other cousin, grew up with much more stable parents, probably quite influenced by church, and taught sexual promiscuity is a bad road to walk down. She did it anyway and has had a lot of emotion upheaval, depression, eating disorders, and abusive relationships in her life. I think there's been a lot of shame in her life. If my girls would decide they wanted to be sexually promiscuous, I would sooner they enjoy it and not be plagued with shame. At the same time I want them to be sexually responsible and not have any regrets sexually speaking. I don't know how to mesh these two things. My parents didn't really have any words of wisdom for me. We wondered about how much of it was just personality and how much was parenting. How do you teach your kids that making mistakes is okay AND to avoid making some mistakes? I don't know how to connect theses dots.

[linni]

We are just about to start our journey of being parents. We are in the process of adopting a little 18months old boy...because I'm a kindergarden teacher, I'm very comfortable around little ones...but every now and then in my mind, I think oeee!!!! I AM GOING TO BE A MOMMY! and then I think...then all these things apply to me as well...

I've decided years back that I'm going to 'celebrate' mistakes as well...it does not need to be 'bad/angry/disappointing experience. I always think of when a little one starts in my class and they make a mess, you can see the fear in their eyes...then another little one will call out 'teacher...so and so made a mess'... on which my response always is 'that is ok. we just clean it up'. you should see the surprise in their eyes...then i smile at them...and the surprise gets even bigger...then they smile a little uncertain smile...realise it is 'not that bad' and then they giggle...

for me, that is liberating. it reminds me that the way we 'react' as parents, are what they learn and what they 'live with'.

"So, go out there and make mistakes. Make amends. Be wonderfully imperfect. "

This sentence brought upon all the thoughts... cannot wait to listen to the cd's and to become part of the 'parent's... excited...scared....but going to be totally wonderfully imperfect! xx

[Gerovital]

Co-parenting isn’t easy. It’s actually quite a chore. When neither parent is willing to negotiate or communicate, the child has the job of transitioning from one parenting style to the other. As a parent educator and family therapist, I have seen many anxious and confused children affected by their parents’ inconsistent rules and styles.

[Tammy O]

"His little wounded face... " just made me cry. I've seen that before from my own children and it is very haunting. I have wanted to apologize so many times, but never did because I have been to ashamed of my behavior. I think it is time I stand up and take responsibility and begin the healing process for both myself and my children. I have always had God in my life, but I have started a journey of re-discovering Him. What I am learning in Bible Study and what you teach are almost alike. Just the other day we were reading a chapter called "Trying to be Good Enough" and it's about how we already are good enough in God's eyes, so now we just need to accept that. Well, the very next day, I stumble upon an article of yours that says "I AM ENOUGH". I just thought, "WoW!!" So, I have been delving into your blogs and this one said a lot to me. Part of my journey is to become a better person (than I already am). And that includes my parenting skills. Printed this article out and going to do some highlighting. Thank you, Brene'. I look forward to reading and hearing more of your positive thoughts and teachings.