confront me if i don't ask for help

Do you remember that scene from 28 Days, where Sandra Bullock’s character had to wear the sign around her neck that said, “Confront me if I don't ask for help?”

I need that sign.

Here’s the situation.

The past two weeks have been incredibly stressful. I’ve been so overwhelmed. I’m not sure if it’s the transition back to full-time, the return to a pretty tough travel schedule (after taking it easy all year), or just the back-to-school crazies. Whatever the cause, I’m seeing some behaviors that are huge red flags for me.

Take a look at my “I know things are bad when” top ten list.

I know things are bad when:

1. I make it to all of the meetings/appointments that are work-related; however, I start missing the truly important dates and scheduled phone calls that sustain me. Apologies to my social work sista friends (who called me to say “where are you” when I missed our breakfast) and to my lovely, dear Amanda (who called me to say, “where are you” when I missed our lunch). That's just not like me.

2. I fall out of touch with my family, sound exasperated when they call (like I’m too busy with important stuff), then I get frustrated and wonder why they’re not calling more often.

3. I’m losing my patience with my children.

4. I’m being shitty with Steve, then apologizing, then crying (he's been so awesome).

5. I’m filled with feelings of scarcity and I start to feel possessive about the good things in my life. I feel compelled to hoard happiness.

6. I have so much to do that I get totally paralyzed. I start literally walking in circles.

7. If my stress and anxiety gets too high, I get light-headed . . . like I’m going to faint. This started happening in 2007. It’s my early-warning system. It’s my body’s way of saying, “You can keep performing, perfecting, and pleasing, I’m shutting down.”

8. My eating gets crazy. I crave carbs and sweets. Carbs and sweets. Carbs and sweets.

If I’ve learned anything over the past two years, I’ve learned to recognize these signs. I’ve learned to listen so I can catch myself before I go totally down. I’m getting better.

BUT . . . there is still #9 and #10. Here’s where I need your help.

I know things are bad when . . .

9. I decide that the answer to the overwhelming amount of work is to invest in new technology or a new organizing system.

10. I start collecting pictures from magazines so I can get bangs like this or a pixie like this. I know these haircuts are great, but they don’t look good on me. I don’t look cute or whimsical or like an Anthropologie model with these haircuts. I look like an uptight, overzealous newscaster.

If you read this blog and you feel compelled to help me (even a little bit), you’ll step up and say, “No, Brené. No day planner. No bangs. No new technology. Not now.”

Why am I asking for help? Well . . . in the middle of my crisis last week, I bought an iPhone. I cancelled my contract with Sprint and moved to AT&T. I hated the iPhone (and I’m a Mac girl from way back). I’m totally addicted to, and love my Palm Treo. Why, oh, why did I do it? Why did I abandon the awesome Agendus calendar on my Treo?

Because I thought my life would be better if I could easily sync with my iMac and get my emails on my phone. OMG. I've never received my emails on my phone. That is the devil's work. My friend Laura stopped by on Monday. She loves her iPhone. She told me that I'd probably get used to the emails. In the course of 30 minutes, I received 13 emails on my phone. She looked at me and simply said, "Oh no. That's not going to work." She knows how hard I work to disconnect from my job.

To make matters worse, I often have no AT&T bars in my house (unless it's dumping ten thousand emails). So, there I was, in total meltdown with no phone. No calendar. So, what did I do? I called Sprint, happened to get the sweet Gabrielle on the phone, and went back to my old phone.

On Wednesday, Ike showed up. I canceled my trip to teach at Omega this weekend and started preparing for the hurricane.

Right this minute, I’m sitting on my bed with Steve and we’re watching the local hurricane coverage. Our windows are covered with plywood, our igloos are full, and we’re as ready as we can be. I'm racing to get this posted before we lose our power (which they say could be out for up to 2 weeks).

Even with Ike, I’m feeling better. My phone works. I have all of you to keep me from getting bangs. And, as we prepare to crawl into one big fort that we built in Charlie’s room, I have some perspective.

Things are bad here, especially in Galveston. Say a little prayer. And, if you feel up to it, you can leave a comment and let me know that I’m not the only crazy person who gets bad haircuts, new technology, new dayplanners, new diet books, or new exercise programs when I’m freaking out.

What's on your "I know things are bad when" list?

Comments

[Michelle]

First: Big Prayers as you hunker down and ride this out...

Oh...I was talking about the hurricane, but I guess this could also apply to the overwhelm swirl as well. It will pass and I am thinking of you every step of the way. If you come out of it with crappy pixie bangs (I have this visual of flashlight hair cutting!) - just remember: hair grows and like all things it will return to it's original state once again.

Also, please know that amidst all of this I am being AWAKENED and HEALED by your CD! I thank you and MY GIRLS thank you. You are a Superhero for sure.

Sending your family and neighbors lots of prayers during this storm (BIG ONES TONIGHT)! Please know you are blessing so many people! We send our blessings to YOU this evening!

[Nancy]

I have just recently found your blog and need to take some time to poke around and read more but I am a social worker (non-practising at this time) who has been dealing with anxiety and depression for the past few years - don't think I have any words of wisdom for you at this moment but as you probably know the harder we look outside for the answers (technology, haircuts, etc.) the more we should be looking inside - this quote might be of help "We are vulnerable to fear only when we leave the present. If I drift into the past, my regrets surge up, my memories of failing and forsaking. If I shift into the future, I meet with doubt and delusion, fear of what's to come, what I'm not capable of controlling. It's in the present moment that I belong." - Jan Phillips . And if you need something to really think about ponder this - why doesn't cat food come in mouse flavour? :) Keep safe - you will be in my prayers - Nancy

[Amalia]

Brene, that is exactly when I start doing all of those things. I think it's a normalization of recognizing that what you're doing isn't working (sometimes for reasons not within your control) and trying hasty and often unsuccessful ways to "fix" things.

Do something so you can breathe and take care of yourself, regardless of what it means for your professional obligations; you're not good for them or your family unless you take care of you.

Good luck and godspeed with Ike. I used to live on Galveston, and my heart hurts for the Island and the coast.

[Shalet]

Hunker down with your family and hold them close. Forget about work, bangs and gagets; these mean nothing. Stay safe - thinking of all you Texas folks as Ike passes through.

[Deirdre]

Thank you for sharing this and making me laugh with #9:-) I'm feeling overwhelmed with starting a new and ambitious project, so I thought it would be the perfect time to create/buy a new filing system.

Total chaos.

I just discovered Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness, maybe you already know it. I'd like to read more of it, but what I've gotten so far is how permitted we women are (by ourselves, by society) to abandon the "small things" that really lead to a quality life in order to get the "big things" like work promotion or recognition or houses, etc.

Thank God for the lightheadedness---even for the crazy compulsion for new gadgets or filing systems, that bring it all down around us and FORCE us to stop.

I hope to make my own warning sign list and post it somewhere I'm likely to see it when most needed (like near the chocolate stash):-)

[Sandy]

My opinion with this stuff is that if the worst thing you do is get new hair, then at least it is something the grows back, but that is definitely one on my list too.

I will be thinking about you and your family during all the hurricane mess in addition to my other friends in Houston. I hope that the rain is all that comes.

Good luck over the next few weeks of getting used to the semester's start.

[Renae C]

I hope you stayed safe during the storm.

NO HAIRCUTS! NO MORE TECHNOLOGY! Reach out to the people that nurture your soul - friends and family. What you are giving the world in your vulnerability and availability will be lost if you retreat back behind that "academic, professional" wall. Stay open to the life going on around you. Take time to listen to your heart.

Praying for all of you in the Houston/Galveston area.

[Jena Strong]

Carbs and sweets and switching wireless companies - oh yeah. These are always signs for me, too, that I need to sit still for at least ten minutes to see what happens. Usually nothing happens, which is exactly right. Overwhelm takes time to sink in and settle down.

Thanks for sharing this post - a mirror for me on a morning when I looked into a real one and wondered, Who is that haggard-looking woman?

Hope the rains spared you and your family.

Jena

[rak]

I am WAY north of you and so the hurricanes only bring us risidual rain...I will pray for your safety and for everyone as Ike is hitting you hard :( I just can't imagine sitting through something like that.

You have AWARENESS on your side, my dear! You know your triggers and you recognize them and that is SO important! Your family loves you and you WILL navigate through the chaos!

I'm sending positive thoughts...

Love the blog...thanks!

[Lu]

First, praying for you and yours during this time.

On my list is definitely my eating gets out of control. Sweets and carbs for me, too. Bread is my weakness, but not sliced bread, the good, homemade shit and crusty rolls and butter. Swoon.

Also on my list is losing my patience and perspective. Negativity setting in, doubts about pursuing a creative career.

Worst of all, cubical hell starts looking pretty ok. That is how I know things are really getting bad! LOL

[Jenn]

Oh dear, I was just about to go and buy a Franklin planner to help get my life back under control, and I've also been considering bangs. Thank you for posting this, for taking the time in the midst of hurricane preparedness to reach out for help and to let those of us on the fall-time carb-chocolate cycle that we’re not alone.

I’ll be thinking about you & your family this weekend and praying for storm-safety. I will also work on a top 10 list of my own- thanks for letting me know that I needed one. You will make it through the fall, things will slow down (or you will chose to do less). You will be ok.

[susan preston]

You're wonderful, you know that? I've sent you a Soul Bunny card...
http://www.banjobunny.com/viewcard.php?reqid=48cbc7ef1f6f9

Just found your blog recently and am very grateful I did.

Susan

[deb]

You sound sad, overwhelmed and a little depressed. It also sounds like you're flailing, that's what I do when I'm feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I flail about, trying all sorts of things to stop from feeling what I'm really feeling. When I flail I paint walls, shop, run errands, do anything to try and stop feeling what it is I'm actually feeling. But I'm learning, ever so slowly to stop running from what I'm feeling and just sit and feel it.

What is it you're afraid of feeling? Is working full-time too much? It is for me. I can't cope with that and I finally realize that. Full-time doesn't leave me enough time to think, to breath, to walk, to just be. And if I don't work full-time does that make me lazy? Unproductive? What? Or wise?

I'm not sure yet. But I'm trying to stand back and see clearly.

I know things are bad when I lose it at work.
When I cry at the drop of a hat.
When I can't see clearly. This will sound strange, but when I get depressed I can't see properly, I have to struggle to focus on things, everything is kind of blurry. When I'm not depressed, it's like all the lights have been turned on inside of my brain and the whole world is alive.


I'm hoping you feel better soon, hoping you slow down and hoping and praying that the storm doesn't hurt you or your family. Take care.

[Melanie]

Brene,

I'm sending big prayers and lots of reassuring/healing/loving thoughts your way. I'm relatively new to your blog, but I'm so very glad that I found it because it's become one of my favorite things to read. Oh, how I understand what it's like to decide to change absolutely everything when I'm having an emotional crisis! I've just recently committed to myself not to buy anything new for an entire year, and as soon as I did, I decided that I really, really need a Blackberry. The point is, don't do it. You're right - you don't need any of those things right now. As my dad is fond of saying, you already have everything that you need.

Take good care. Everything is okay.

[Shelley]

Keep breathing. Knowing your "things must be bad" signs is a sign of an extremely evolved being. And I say this as someone who knows there's trouble afoot when locking a bathroom stall brings a wave of relief. ("No one can get to me here"? Who knows.)

Holding you in the Light... (it's a Quaker thing)

[Ann]

I'll be thinking of you and your family during the hurricane and hoping everyone is ok.

Your top 10 list could be mine, except for the haircut part. (Because even when I'm totally overwhelmed, I know a bad haircut will send me right over the edge!)

When I'm feeling crazed, I just try and slow down. Before I buy something, I remind myself, "this won't help. Nothing new will help. I already have everything I need." I try to distract myself with an absorbing book or movie. I try to remember that I'm just a small part in the grander scheme of things. (You've got Hurricane Ike to help you here.) And I let myself eat carbs and sweets but start working in good foods too.

I just recently found your blog and really enjoy it. I relate so much to your posts. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly.

[amanda]

You are not crazy. I am so right there with you on your list! Remember to breathe, it will get better. Prayers for you and yours!

[The Other Laura]

I know things are bad when I start thinking about haircuts. I never get a haircut without a ten day cooling off period. I literally mark it off on my calendar in red ink.

Big strong prayers for you and your family...

[Ms. Ellaneous]

Thank you. I can always count on reading your Blog and finding something that helps. I have blown through most of my warning signs this week, unawares. I am now to the point of "checking out", which for me means TV, computer and sleep. I can't seem to focus and I'm obsessing about all the speedbumps. Oh, and I'm convinced a new computer and i-phone would help. So funny you mentioned that. Thanks again for the insight. I hope all is well after the hurricane. Take care, you are not alone in this.

[Kelly V]

Hi Brene,
My prayers are with you and your family and all those affected by the disastrous effects of the horrible hurricanes. I am far removed from the fear and damage that can be invoked by hurricanes so I can only try to imagine what it must be like, every year at this time, to be prepared, be strong and be watchful.
I try to tell myself, at times like this, that there is comfort in my old hairstyle with roots showing, that the only problem solved by food is hunger, and that hopefully, I can be as good as my husband is to me when it is his turn to be crazy.
Put on your superhero necklace and be strong.
Kelly

[Irene]

Funny, you have been in my thoughts since I saw Ike was heading your way. I imagine you and your family listen to the storm. I live in hurricane country and have ridden out quite a few in the last 10 years. I know while your in the middle of it, it can seem like it will never end. I know after the storm all the clean-up that is involved. Also, I noticed that Farrah didn't post (she often does in the comments). I assume that she, too, is dealing with the storm. My prayers are with you. Let your cyber friends know what we can do to help.

As for your other stress issues in the post.... I wish I could give you some advice. I can't. I have always found that lots of carbs and sugar can get you though anything. I didn't say healthy--just that it would get you through. I wouldn't get the pixie cut although I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WANTING IT. Wouldn't it be glorious to get out of the shower, toss some product in your hair and go? Unfortunately for most of us it is a tragic mistake. Really, do you want to end up a "Glamour" don't? I have gotten better about constructive avoidance when the stress rains down on me. I do lots of chanting to myself "no, you do not need to clean out the refridgerator (even though it has been needing it for months), no, you do not need to reorganize the pantry. You need to sit down and do the work you have committed to do. The only way though it, is through it." Remember what you so beautifully reminded us: the imperfections--the cracks--are where the light comes in.

[Mina]

Your list resonates strongly with my list -- especially #s 9 & 10. When I start feeling overwhelmed I decide that I have no clothes that I can wear anymore and that I need new furniture. These are ways that I think I try avoid the present moment of overwhelm. I think "If only I had a new couch, and if only I had new shoes, I would definitely not feel overwhelmed! I would be more perfect/beautiful/organized, beautiful/well-dressed, presentable, etc." I really am glad you posted today! Hang in there. Can you take a bubble bath -- guilt free?

[Mina]

I forgot to say this: I love your hair as is! I might even envy it a little. Hope you're ok after the storm!

[Vicky]

Good luck with Ike! Hope he takes it easy on you!
I don't know how anybody can handle the hairstyles with bangs that hang down into the face. I'm currently in search of a miracle hairstyle that looks good with no styling, since I seem to be able to work exercising and usually showering into my new kids-back-to-school routine, but never actual hairstyling. It's always wet and/or messy, but not in the way that looks like it was meant to be messy.

[angie]

i have recently started reading your blog and feel compelled to let you know i am praying for you and your family. your words have helped me several times, and i hope mine may bring you a tiny bit of peace. i also think your list is a great idea, i'll have to think about starting one. please stay safe.

[AVZC]

I am feeling yuck too- very 2007. Whic totally stinks b/c I was working so hard not to end up back at this place. I know things are bad when...
I start obsessing about "what it all means"...
I can't sleep...
I blame my husband for EVERYTHING and feel totally justified...
I stop exercizing...
I spend tons of time online, but can't seem to find the time to take care of myself...
I hole up at home.

It had not occured to me to try bangs, but it doesn't sound like a bad idea :)
Take care of yourself. This too shall pass. Stay safe and get some rest! xo

[Cate]

Brene~ Love your blog! Recently found it and I thank you so very much - lots to resonate with right down to the iPhone...and I bought the last generation one in April. (Double ugh).

Hope that you and your family are doing well and have escaped Ike. What a dreadful storm. Will send you good thoughts this weekend.

Don't cut your hair! But the newscaster comment was priceless. I totally understand wanting the new 'do to capture the same lifestyle it evokes. "We have enough" is a great thing to try and remember... perhaps I need a sign around my neck, too. Does it remotely feel better that many of us are in the same boat, or at least in the same harbor?

You could do what I did and have your 2 year old's hair cut really short ala the bob style right before the picture shoot. Nice work - forgot to ask exactly how short a bob goes. It was all I could do to not apologize and freak out in front of her - she had no problem of course, she's 2.

Thanks to Jen about the blurry vision and depression. Wow, that's odd because I suspect I'm slightly blue (is that denial?) and I have a heck of a time reading anything these days. Perhaps the carbo/sugar diet isn't helping me. Such a lovely vice and hey, it could be worse!

In case you're inclined, my favorite carb of late in the Whole Foods whole wheat Naan. Lots of fiber and whole grains so it's not too bad for you. Put it in the toaster for a minute and add a tad of butter... divine.

Gosh, I don't even know you but thought I'd stop by and say thank you for your insight and your humor! Be well and remember to sit back and breathe a bit.

I don't know what it means exactly but I do believe that Mercury is in retrograde soon. I think things tend to swirl crazily then? I hope that's what is going on and things will soon right themselves. Please. ;-)

Cheers,
Cate

[busymomma66]

Put the phone down--new hairstyles and technology will not fix this!!

I loved this post. I totally relate. I think I do many of the same things when I am overwhelmed, scared and a bit lost. I'm doing many of them now (can't buy the iphone--no money--but I did cut my bangs--lol). I've really got to sit myself down and face these fears, but I'm scared too. Yikes--round robin.

I will also bury myself in my basement (if my kids are not around) with a pint of rocky road and watch bad tv.

Hang in there, our thoughts are with you and good luck with Ike.

[jennlui]

oh no, not bangs, stay clear of any hairdresser! i tend to do the same, earlier this year driven by what i think was postpartum depression i thought chopping off my long hair for some short short crop do was a good idea... yikes. now it's growing out. that's the good thing about hair...

sending prayers and safe vibes your way for you and your family.

never commented on your blog before but have been reading for some time. love your honesty and truths. thank you.

[Isle Dance]

Ditto. Big time. You hang in there. I'm trying to, as well. :o)

[Joan]

OMG... this post hit home. My signs of overwhelm are ignoring the piles on my desk and ignoring even thinking about the "projects" I am supposed to be working on. I steal my son's snack bags of goldfish --- eating multiple bags. I read & read & read. Get lost in books. Reading feels like a justified way of checking out. A smart woman's way of getting out of the moment I don't want to be in. Probably better that guzzling down a bottle of wine, I suppose. Nonetheless, it is still my
way of checking out.
We not only survived IKE, we have electricity --- Watching the news non-stop and feeling terribly guilty that I am not hot and suffering like 95% of our population. Guilty that I am surfing the net, too. I promise not to shop on-line. That would be like getting bangs!
My prayers and heart go out to those that are in need and suffering. We are planning to go help our friends in Kemah as soon we are allowed to go down!
joan

[Jennifer]

Oh, Brené, I hope Ike's out of your life soon.

I have some of the same list as you do. For me, I'd add Newfound Enthusiasm for Watching E!'s True Hollywood Story. There really shouldn't be anything comforting in learning about the making of "Mean Girls," but somehow there is.

[carissa]

thinking of you...

we have mixed news from our family & friends in the Houston area... some better than others.

wanting to make sure yall are SAFE!

[Monica]

So often, I want it ALL. I want the job that is meaningful, important, fun and a break from the monotony and thankless job of being the stay at home parent (for me this is teaching). I also want the intentional creative, warm, healthy food, connected, clean and organized, freeing home life. I want to have a life that is full of friends. I want to be able to make everything ... cozy blankets, funky hats, gorgeous scrapbooks, artistic pictures, and the most amazing apple pie. But I can't have it all. Something big inside me gives when I try to do it all. But I so desperately want it all, b/c I LOVE it all so much. For me that means, when I'm working, we pay someone to make us healthy home cooked meals, clean the house. Time with friends has to be whittled down to only the very special friends who give me life and love me no matter what kind of an ass I was yesterday. Family time has to be spontaneous. And then when I'm not working .... like now .... I try to make the thankless monotony of stay at home parenting interesting and meaningful by intentionally creating things, creating space to do and make things ... things like cozy blankets, striking photos, funky hats and bags and a warm inviting home for all of the little stragglers that make their way through our front door. When I get that feeling of scarcity, or that desire to 'have it all', it helps me to remind myself that I can't have it all at once, but in the bigger picture maybe I can get a taste of all of it, just not all at once.

I don't know if this rings true for you at all. I don't come to this comment thinking that one way is the best way. I think there a lot of good ways to do it. I think we just pick one and make the best of it. My dad taught me this .... when I would stress about a big decision, wondering which decision was the 'right' one, he'd always say ... maybe they're both right, and they're both good.

Wishing you safety and peace in the coming days ....

[ELK]

I am going to just say you are doing TOO much ~ to pass along the ole cliche' ~your kids grow up so fast ....they do they really do....slow down.

just my two cents worth ...blessings

[Cindy]

I'm reading this from San Antonio, where I ran away from Ike.

I know things are bad when...

... suddenly every creative thought is nowhere to be found.
... I let my kids watch unholy amounts of TV.
... I get dizzy and can't figure out why.
... I am a mystifying equal parts"get-the-hell-out-of-my-way-wonder-woman-is-here" and "why-won't (insert loved one's name here) get-off-his/her-ass-and-help-me-out"?

[corinna]

I am sooooooooooooright there with you...........I started working full time around 2 years ago and I am still in the overwhelmed and totally OUT THERE!!! sorry this too shall pass....as the other comment stated hunker down, stay close to your family and friends and draw on your spirituality to get you threw....do it afraid.

[Linni]

If you think of all the bangs and twangs...numbers 1 - 8...and you aks: do they add to my life?
the answer is your answer? :-)

Big hug to you and don't be so hard on yourself. Hope the time in bed with your family made you feel loved! adored! and oh so special! xx

[Michelle]

I know things are bad when:

I start to eat pretzels for breakfast followed by chocolate chips????

I plan a Halloween/Fall Pumpkin Carving party that will require huge amounts of sanity, time and money because Halloween isn't the same great time that it was when I was a little girl.

I decide that I'll have just a few clothing basics that I'll rotate....preferably Patagonia. Never mind that they are designed for someone 25 - 30 and thin and who goes rock climbing every weekend and I am and do none of those things.

I spend too much money at thrift stores thinking I'm doing the world a big favor by not going to Target.

Well the list could go on and on. OY!

Seeing the devestation in Texas...grateful that I'm here and sending blessings and good thoughts to you and yours and those in need.

Michelle

[destataloussy]

Excellent site ordinarycourage.squarespace.com and I am really pleased to see you have what I am actually looking for here: this .. as it's taken me literally 2 hours and 18 minutes of searching the web to find you (just kidding!) so I shall be pleased to become a regular visitor :)