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powerpoint accident?
I’m giving a talk tonight on my parenting research so I’ve spent a good chunk of the day working on my PowerPoint. I was cutting and pasting from the slides and I accidentally combined four bullet points from three different slides. What I saw took my breath away:
The combination of thoughts doesn’t make perfect sense, but each of these ideas was a strong pattern in my research (even though I really didn't want them to be). Seeing them together is a powerful reminder about the challenge of walking our own journey while we guide, encourage, and cheer on our children. There are days when I just want to detour around my own work and focus on my kids - I just don't see any evidence from my interviews that it can work like that.
What do you think about these ideas? Has the universe slipped you any "accidental reminders" this week?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Reader Comments (39)
- loving myself is one of the the bravest and most difficult things I will ever do.
Come on, brave one, let's do this !
AND, in the process of doing that the possibility exists that can we learn how to do it for ourselves as well. A "paying it backward", if you will. It's one of the unexpected gifts of parenting.
http://soonthen.blogspot.com/2009/03/being-real.html
I have learned and understand {painfully now} because I've lost alot in my past life {because God has given me a new one...because of my CONNECTION}
so your "scrambled" points make perfect sense - what a CONNECTION that was!
I also believe that we really can't give what we don't have (what we model is so much more powerful than what we say/teach).
In the research (mine and others) self-compassion is an absolute prerequisite for compassion. Parents who are self-critical are consistently more judgmental toward their kids. Same holds true for parents who struggle with perfectionism. We also see that parents who struggle with shame are far more likely to raise children who are shame-prone (rather than guilt-prone).
You really have me thinking about the difference between these two sentences:
1. You can't love your children more than you love yourself.
2. If we want our children to experience self-love, we have to model it. We can love them more than we love ourselves but we can't teach them self-love if that's something we don't have.
I'm gonna have to pull out the data. Thanks for your insights. I feel so lucky - it's like I have a brilliant think-tank right here!
I think maybe the task is on (at least) two levels. One definition of "self-love" might be a solid sense of self, including an acceptance of our light and dark.
1.) In my mind when a child has a solid sense of self it comes from internalizing the good object, or the "good enough mother", or simply stated the mother who has met his little needs for love, compassion, comfort, limits, attention, etc. A mother who has accepted his light and dark and has stayed connected with him through all of it.
2.) As parents, we also model what it is to be human in this world, and a child observes that as well. How we talk to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, how we manage our own light and dark spots, etc.
Good luck with this. Life is complicated on so many levels. It's hard to reduce it to any kind of "ten easy steps". Don't worry about your "data" so much. Trust yourself.
And totally agree with reducing to steps - just not possible.
As far as not worrying about the data - not so easy. That's my job (literally) and after interviewing for 10 years, I really hold all of the stories I've collected very sacred. I trust myself AND I try to stay very open to new ways of thinking because what I've learned from the interviews (and from comments) has really changed and inspired me.
Yes, right here in your comments. It is hard for me to hear different voices and stay open and curious. The comments here, helped me see that being modeled...I needed that. Many thanks!
Sheila
While the message was perfectly clear, I have to agree that Jenny said exactly what I was thinking, about loving my children more than myself. Through my girls I have learned to really love unconditionally, to be compassionate at times when I am feeling horrible myself, and to be, overall, so much more giving. In addition, when I look at my one daughter, who looks so much like me, I can see myself as a little girl. This reminds me to be kinder to the little girl that lives inside of me, to love and accept her, as she is my own. It is the love for my girls that makes me want to be a better person and work every day on loving and accepting myself as I am. However, with that being said, it is still so much easier to love my daughters…
I find the concepts all twisted up at this point also. I say this because despite my belief in the above, if I am not taking care of myself, I find myself falling short with my children. If I don’t get enough sleep, I am moody, irritable, and much less patient. If I don’t take time for myself, I feel resentful. If I am self-critical, I do find myself being more critical of my children (even if only in my thoughts). So then question becomes, for me, “Do I really love my children more than myself because I don’t (outwardly) criticize them the way I do myself (in my head) and often put their physical and emotional needs ahead of my own?” Or do I just tell myself that to justify the fact that sometimes I find myself emotionally and physically drained at the end of the day (not to mention unshowered)?
Perhaps if I think about it in this way it makes more sense: I have lots of patients who are drug addicts, as well as mothers. They “love” their children more than themselves. They destroy their lives, hate themselves, and continue to do so much damage to their bodies. They “hate” themselves, but still, they “love” their children. On the surface, one might say, yes, some of them love their children more than themselves. However, does loving your children mean that you are not intentionally poisoning them they way you poison yourself? Perhaps our issues are like second-hand smoke. At first, it was thought to be not so dangerous and we were “only hurting ourselves.” Yet come to find out, years later, second-hand can be very harmful…
It all still feels kind of mixed up for me.
Jenny - I hope you don't bow out because of something I said. I'm SO grateful for this conversation! Kind, respectful discussion and debate is such a rare and important gift these days (especially about parenting).
So I am re-learning some things. It's kind of fun.
Certainly, our children inspire us to heights of love and compassion that we might have never achieved otherwise, but to really scale those heights, we often have to go to the depths of who we are, light/shadow, good/evil, loving/destructive and figure out our own stuff in order to love them better. The second-hand smoke analogy is a really good one - Brene - you may just have to see if you can steal that one permanently.
So I'm not sure it's an either/or but a both/and. We love our children fiercely, maybe more than we think we love ourselves, but that fierce love should drive us to the depths of our selves so that we can become better models for what they need - because our damage WILL inevitably end up damaging them if we don't work through it and learn to be compassionate with ourselves.
Brene - don't know what your data shows, or if you even have the right set of stuff for this analysis, but it would be interesting to see what drives people to explore these issues and come to a deeper understanding of and love for themselves. I'd venture to guess that a significant percent of the time, having kids is one of the triggers.
OK... tell me the name of the band (I was a wild child in the aforementioned time frame!!)... the Kings of....
Thanks for your message, always good.
kristin
kristin - thanks - it was a fun night! the band = kings of leon (listen to "use somebody").
happy weekend!
Renae:
"So I'm not sure it's an either/or but a both/and. We love our children fiercely, maybe more than we think we love ourselves, but that fierce love should drive us to the depths of our selves so that we can become better models for what they need - because our damage WILL inevitably end up damaging them if we don't work through it and learn to be compassionate with ourselves."
Reading this, my reaction was "Yes!" It is all becoming a bit clearer...
As both a parent and a grad student, I am really excited about all of this. A lot of my focus up until now has been on anxiety and panic disorder. I see a shift coming. I am already contemplating looking up the research...
I seem to have approached motherhood like I have all other things in my life - trying to do it the "right" way. I have about driven myself crazy by reading all of the parenting books, obsessing over healthy foods, organic vs. non-organic, natural house cleaners, the right pre-school, etc. Sometimes it is just too much. I am trying to be a perfectionist like I have with everything else, but it isn't working. It is hard for me to be compassionate with my older son, I seem to put a lot of pressure on him.
I definitely think I love my kids more than myself. After staying at home with my kids for 4 years, my well has run dry. I truly believe you can't give what you don't have. I just wish someone would tell me how to give compassion to myself and practice self-care when I am alone all day with no family around to help. Thanks for such an eye-opening post.
thanks for the inspiration. we ladies do know alot:) !
janet
I experience such a flood of feelings reading this- my 'children' are 30 and 33, and sometimes I cringe at how overwhelmed my young mother self felt at times when they were little, so wild with love and hopes and dreams for them - yet often longing for somewhere else in my life to direct my energies and talents . I think when I went back to work after those early years, we all prospered in different ways. I do know this - for somebody who had (has!) some issues with being anxious about grabbing life by the tail and trying new things, my children both strode off to college and into life and never looked back. I am alternately proud and amazed that this happened - sometimes, in spite of me. I do believe that it is never too late to be HONEST with your kids about what you feel you did right and what you feel not so proud about. And you know what's really amazing is how understanding and generous they can be when you level with them.
I guess all this is my way of saying that maybe none of us get it 100% right - but aiming for that unconditional love thing and the acceptance of who they TRULY are -go a long way towards helping them create authentic selves. Still working on it.
Sylvia V
Your post is very on-topic for me. I don't have children, but I do have nieces that are a huge part of my life, and I also teach special needs kids, so your posts on parenting are always thought-provoking for me. I am trying very hard to learn self-compassion and acceptance, and, like so many people, I want it yesterday. I have an amazing therapist, and feel like I work hard with her. But I've also found that my interactions with my nieces have been key in my progress. Like Justin was saying, I see myself in them, and making that connection has made a world of difference for me. I can love them, flaws and all, in a way that I have never been able to love myself. I see that their young ages mean that they are and should be vulnerable, and that has helped me (begin to) work through some of my shame issues surrounding my own childhood stuff. I have a different perspective now that I did several years ago.
That said, I doubt I would be able to make these connections if I wasn't already trying to make changes in the way I treat myself. Perhaps the therapy has enabled me to lay a groundwork that I am now able to take advantage of as my interactions with the girls change as they age.
Thanks to everyone for giving me some positive things to think about.
he loves her SO much that he wants better for her (and i get that). but i have tried to explain that loving her is no substitute for loving himself and that when he raises his expectations for himself - so will she.
love the slide.
So in a way I am doing two lives in one ( working man, staying home dad ) !
Regarding the point of loving your children more than yourself, again from a male point of view that works different then from a female. Love ( human love) is still in most societies directed to our nearest and dearest. We 'love out of egoistic reasons because it makes us feel good and secure. Pure love , in the future ,must be directed to all of creation, because we need to realise that there is no 'them and us' we need to realise that human love creates divisions in the world, like religions and the love of 'their God' . Love is a 'force ' equally in strenght, the differenciations are applied by us humans.
Love ( equally)Adrian :)
I've spent my entire adult life trying to undo the Gordian knot of shame and self-hatred that was my legacy.
You have it right Brene. A parent can't give what he/she does not have. And that scarcity can haunt a child welll into adulthood.
Am just discovering and loving your work.
Thanks,
Gail.