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itiwjm read-along - chapter 4
Congrats to the five winners from the TGIF WholeheARTed Kelly Rae giveaway (the winners' names are posted below the TGIF post)! I absolutely love reading everyone's comments!
Also, congrats to the three winners of the beautiful print from Terri St. Cloud of Bone Sigh Arts! Names are also at the bottom of that post. I know the work from last week was really hard for lots of folks (myself included). This is the shame warrior work - the courage work. I keep coming back to Terri's quote:
"Maybe being brave is no more than staring down the 'less than' feeling and stepping up to the 'I am worthy' feeling." -- Terri St.Cloud (bonesigharts.com)
Podcast Topic for Today
You're in for a special treat today! The lovely Katherine Center is a guest on this week's podcast. Given how much time Katherine and I spend talking about critical awareness, media education, and beauty - I thought she'd be the perfect guest for a conversation about the second element of shame resilience - practicing critical awareness.
You can read more about the "official" Katherine here and here. Off the record, I can tell you this:
1. Her writing makes me laugh, cry, and believe that I'm not alone. I inhaled The Bright Side of Disaster and Everyone is Beautiful.
2. She is wise and insightful about many things including writing, the gifts of journaling (using words and collage), the truth about beauty, and the power of story!
3. She's smart and funny and unapologetically hopeful.
I hope you enjoy listening to the podcast! Boy, did we have a good time recording it.
Links and Quotes from the Podcast
The article about the ridiculously bad-ass house in Something's Gotta Give.
Defining Perfectionism (it's not what you think)
Great article about the Faith Hill Redbook issue (courtesy of ITIWJM reader Amalia) GRRRRRRR.
Today's Podcast
To download the podcast for your iPod or MP3 player, click here.
Shame.Less Invitation
It's a fill-in-the blank exercise! Leave a comment or send me an email at itiwjm(at)gmail.com:
1. It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of ___________________________ when I'm feeling _______________. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is ________________________. I'm working on ______________.
Here are two of mine:
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of houses and home life when I'm stuck in that "scarcity feeling of never enough." Something that I do to reality-check and practice critical awareness is talk to my friends and practice gratitude. I'm work on complaining less to Steve about our house and blaming (I even gave up complaining about our house for lent - it was awesome).
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of curvy women and women over 40 when I'm not eating healthy and not exercising. It's not about weight for me, but about health and self-care. Something that I do to reality-check and practice critical awareness is put away the magazines and stop comparing. I'm working on sleeping more, eating better, and taking in fewer air-brushed images.
Leave your comment and one lucky person will win a copy of Jean Kilbourne's book "Can't Buy My Love" (which is on my life-changer list) and Katherine's book, "Everyone is Beautiful." Woot! Woot! I'll announce the winner next Tuesday!
And, just a shame.less reminder . . . don't worry about leaving an original comment or a normal comment. We're all the same. We're all weird. You don't have to be the 1st with a witty and unique answer and it's awesome if you're the 23rd person with the same answer! This is a shame-free, don't-be-too-cool-or-perfect zone!
I'll leave you with these two critical awareness videos.
And this most awesome beauty-as-truth video from Katherine!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Reader Comments (65)
Also, just wanted to share this website:
http://www.values.com
You may have seen the billboards they do with all of the really inspiring people. They offer one of those e-mail a day services for free where they send a daily quote. Worth checking out if you are a quote person like me or just need a little extra somethin...
Don't you love how things come into your life just when you need them ? Katherine's video clip for "Everyone is beautiful" was so exactly what I need to hear, read, feel, know, this morning. Just for a minute there, I actually believed that I am beautiful - working one making the minutes into hours, days, weeks...
Thanks for all of this !
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of cool, calm and collected working mothers (who manage to get promoted and change the world whilst catering for dinner parties and still doing art projects with their kids whilst living in a perfectly tidy house) when I'm feeling overwhelmed or just plain tired.
Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is realise that no-one does that without help. Some people earn enough to pay for home help, or don't work the same long hours I do. And I don't see that their lives include chaos too - they're putting their best foot forward around me, just like I am around them.
I'm working on not comparing myself to others, on making my decisions about how my family and I organise our life with my eyes wide open, and then trusting that they're good or at least ok. I'm working on living well within the limitations (realities) we have: the people we are, the schedules we've chosen, the money we earn, the house we can afford, the personalities we have.
I have also been an admirer and follower of Jean Kilbourne for many years! As a counselor I've used her work with clients, trying to do the same thing you are doing here, Brene'. One woman at a time. : )
After seeing the play, Reviving Ophelia, i am writing an essay about my own early adolescence and how resilience got me through it!!! I am amazed I survived and am now looking back on what my resilience was made of /where it came from. I think it was the very free and creative early childhood I had and must have pulled from to survive that later traumatic period.
Bless you for this great work you are doing!!! We need to band together and revolt against this shaming culture that tried to make us less than the great women we are!!!
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of organization when I'm feeling overwhelmed by too much STUFF. Something that I can start doing to reality-check and practice critical awareness is ask myself if an item is a "want" or "need" before making the purchase. I'm working on simplifing and following my wise grandmother's philosophy of spending money on doing instead of having.
I loved Katherine's video as well...off to get that book!
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of fabulous, together and "with it" working (new-er) moms when I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired and like there are just not enough hours in the day. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is take a deep breath, remember that I am just human and I don't have to be "perfect" all the time (or ever, really. I'm working on appreciating the small, wonderful moments in life that really matter and learning to leave work at work.
The fact that they are comfortable with their bodies and presenting as a gift to their lovers--that's a part of where their lover will see their beauty!
Even I battle those body image demons everyday. It's tough. Thanks again!
so i walk like i'm on a mission
cuz that's the way i groove
i got more and more to do
i got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that i don't take good pictures
cuz i have the kind of beauty
that moves
All of this talk about expectations is very much in line with something I've been spending a lot of time working through lately, only using the terminology "should look like". I got hung up in some "should look likes" over the last year or so and trying to figure out how they fit with my life as it really is- and, more importantly, are those "should look likes" things that I value or things that I've absorbed from family, society, etc. The idea of "should look like" can get us into a pretty rotten place if we let it run off and take on a life of its own- it certainly did that to me for a while.
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of relationships and families when I'm feeling lonely. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is to reach out to friends when I feel that loneliness coming on. I'm working on staying connected with my support system of people who love me as I am (imperfections and all!) and who respect my life as it is being lived. I'm also working on not letting my view of myself be too colored by "should look like" messages that aren't my expectations.
1. It's easy for me to get sucked into images of the perfect family and a successful life when I'm feeling shame around my divorce or that I am flawed. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is to be grateful for what I have and to lean on friends to help me reality check. I'm working on enjoying whatever is in front of me because I know in the end that regardless of how "perfect" or "imperfect" life looks, my real enjoyment of life comes from within. I am in charge of how I feel about my life - not the images of what my life should look like.
Love love loved the Bright Side of Disaster by the way!
PS. i don't look at air-brushed stuff either! i'm fine the way i am..............one day at a time! www.badabling.blogspot.com
Anyway, to the assignment:
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of mothers who seem to have it all together with tons of patience and time to fully engage with their child creating, playing, sharing AND still preparing healthy, wonderful meals and snacks (they pull organic homemade treats in glass jars out of their funky tote bags) AND also maintaining a wonderfully welcoming, clean and cozy home when I'm feeling tired, depleted, overwhelmed, and overscheduled.
Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is connect with my friends who have kids as a reminder it is hard for us all and no one is perfect. Also, I need to prioritize better, knowing it is more important to do this art project with my daughter than to have the house perfectly tidied. And also to ask for help. Often.
I'm working on SLOWING DOWN and checking myself when I get frustrated: am I truly present for this moment? Or am I trying to move through this moment to accomplish all the other "ideal" moments I have mapped out in my head? I know when I do not remember to take some time for myself every day, I then do not have time to care for others. Regular quiet walks, yoga practice, time for reflection at the start of my day sets me to being more present and less judgmental and harried.
And again, I ask: as I move through this process, so much is bubbling up that I cannot fully articulate to others and also I feel so vulnerable, it is hard to find language to explain to my husband what it is I need from him right now. Because I need his awareness and support of this, especially as it pertains to parenting our child and wanting us to be on the same page. Any short, sweet phrases you could share with us Brene? Thank you for all your generosity and courage-sharing in this amazing practice. I feel like a little bird watching and inspired by a bigger bird taking flight.
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of PEOPLE WHO CAN start AND finish A PROJECT, when I'm feeling SCATTERED, DISORGANIZED, and UNACCOMPLISHED (like I've failed).
Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is I'M WORKING TO APPRECIATE THE PROCESS, AND NOT BE SO TIED UP IN THE RESULTS.
I start a lot of projects - I have intentions for many - mostly ART and SCRAPBOOKING, FAMILY stuff and CREATIVE stuff -- so I start a project but then SET IT ASIDE for fear that the finished product won't meet MY or OTHERS' expectations when it's complete.
I have to LET GO of that and BE FREE to create. To process. To write and to paint and to collage and to get messy. To CREATE.
Okay, so shortly I'll have time for the podcast and I'll re-visit the dreaded body image category.
:-)
thanks for listening, everyone.
-- Davielle
Whew......I hadn't really thought that one through before. That's a little tender. Sigh.
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of skinny, in shape, put together women over 40 when I'm stuck in feeling frumpy, old, and self critical about my willpower, stamina, etc. Something that I do to reality check is talk with my friends, stop looking at magazines, and truly remember who I am and how I do take responsibility for my looks and body. I'm working on "perspective" as I am turning 55 this year and am so grateful to be alive, healthy, and able to move as freely as I do.
thank you for the invitation to put this in writing
For me, it truly resonated with this week's topic -- image -- shame around unrealistic expectations for the perfect figure, hair, nails, face, wardrobe, etc etc, ad nauseum.
My mother was a model; a fashion show coordinator; a time-management and personal effectiveness consultant / trainer. IMAGINE, if you will, growing up with that sort of "perfectionist" as a mother!
God rest her soul, it was who she was. It just wasn't who I was. My sister and I struggled off and on over the years with this. Thank God, we are both resilient and ended up just being WHO WE WERE and not too messed up (at least not in that area!).
Anyway -- I just thought you might want to read the excerpt from SIMPLE ABUNDANCE on my blog.
-- Davielle
you mentioned the hard work going through this process...and boy have i been feeling it. my little insides are grappling and these nasties are trying to hold on for dear life...phew.
here's mine:
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of young hipster girls with flat stomachs who look svelte in a white t-shirt and jeans when I'm feeling like a major BLOB. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is to remind myself: I am enough. I am loved. I am beautiful. I'm working on being "present" when I make food choices and loving myself and my body regardless because until I do...well, I'm just making it harder on myself. (and it ain't easy!)
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of the artist's life - carefree and independent - when I'm feeling stuck in a rut and tired of being in this damn office another day. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is gratitude because look how far I've come! I'm working on not being such a whiner.
There are no words to describe how difficult this week's Shame.Less Invitation has been for me. While I knew from the start I would bring my whole heart into my participation in the read-along, I never dreamed I'd be able to share unconditionally. Thank you to everyone for this safety net.
when I'm feeling: caught by surprise in my own journey to wholeness. Comparing myself to people who have more of a clinical background and are into doing specific interventions. Tired and clueless as where to go next. Extreme negative counter transference.
Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is recognizing that while I don't know all the DSM codes, I know I am answering a call to social work practice. Take care of myself. Go do my own work, individually, with trusted sister-friends, in therapy. Be led by the spirit.
I'm working on trusting my learned skills, natural talents, and connection with the Universe, and doing my work.
This chapter of the book has really connected me with my sense of outrage over advertising manipulation, instead of my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Thanks for that gift!!!
I'm fiding that I can't even complete this assignment this week. I had an experience earlier in the week that has sort of rocked me, and even though I realize I'm drowing in shame, that's about as far as I'm able to go to move the situation along at this point. I'm trying to be ok about following along. I do consider myself lucky to be able to read all of the comments, though. Thanks.
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of parenting when I'm feeling the incredible rush of time. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is to realize that my "should" images of parenting come from the same marketing shit you've been talking about for body images. I'm working on reality checking my images of all the things I'm "supposed" to do with my kids while they're young. All the camping trips and boating on the lake and seeing the Smithsonian and story telling and...I literally panicked last summer thinking Oh My God they're becoming teenagers and they haven't even swam with dolphins yet!!
So reality check...I've never swam with dolphins! Checking if my expectations are realistic and remembering all the nights of reading Harry Potter out loud and mornings snuggling in bed and this moment right now watching Bridge to Terabithia here together.
Which I want to get back to now..but thanks for the tools for getting back to this more balanced place!
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of well-dressed, thin, fit, happy professional women with children who are in my age group when I'm feeling depressed, inadequate, professionally unfulfilled and like there's something wrong with me for being 34, struggling financially and childless. Something that I can start doing (or I'm already doing) to reality-check and practice critical awareness is to remind myself that I struggle financially because I have student loans, that I am only two years into my career (post graduate school), and that I am more grateful than not to be childless right now. It has also helped to talk to my best friend about the expectations that we put on ourselves to live up to some ridiculous image that someone else has dictated. I'm working on respecting and having faith in my path, seeing myself as perfectly and hilariously human, and giving myself the same tenderness and compassion that I reserve for others.
PS. Since reading this book, I have begun to laugh out loud while listening to my IPod or reading, and the more I do it, the less I care about what others might think, or how I might be viewed. It's the little victories...
;-)
help!
It's easy for me to get sucked into perfect images of a healthy, slim, active, financially independent working woman when I'm feeling fat, lazy and frustrated because I am way overweight, disabled and living on disabilty. Something that I'm already doing to reality-check and practice critical awareness is realize that I am dealing with the ongoing grief of the person I lost. I'm working on getting as healthy as I can be with the help of my physicians including losing the weight, finding a new purpose for my life, and learning to find joy in life in spite of the changes.
since i already posted about my getting sucked into ... stuff ... I just want to comment on something in the podcast:
WHAT IMAGES MAKE ME CRAZY? oh my!
svelte, flawless, perky figures - no cellulite, no extra pounds, no bulges -- cripes!
perfect homes - esp when populated with the perfect family gathered at a holiday table
seeing MORE mag images and knowing they STILL touch them up - sheesh, give us a break from all the madness!
the Barefoot Contessa (love her, love her show, love her recipes) KITCHEN - and her neighborhood - how she trots out to get gorgeous flowers, the right cheeses, fresh berries, whatever - "just down the way" - from all those boutique, specialty shops. OH MY. i am left feeling SO inadequate as a hostess, watching that - I am a good hostess, but WATCHING THAT makes me think - how does SHE MAKE IT LOOK SO EFFORTLESS? for me, it takes a lot of time and often money to get those results, and I'm rarely so CALM when it comes time to serve !!! :-) LOL
I do want to also comment on the MOVIE INDUSTRY - as an interior designer, who notices things like COLOR and DESIGN and FLOW, I've long noticed how wardrobe seems to "fit" the space of the scene. I'm always commenting on it during movies - drives my husband crazy, but now HE notices it and sometimes points it out to me :-) -- it's SO OBVIOUS once we become aware of it.
Let's ALL now take that awareness and watch out for the bombardment to our senses. yes, we can appreciate the beauty of a scene - why not? but let's RECOGNIZE that's it is a SET and it's been MANIPULATED to look so amazing. it's not real! well, it IS real, 'cause it does exist -- but it's Hollywood, baby.
ENJOYED THIS VERY MUCH. still feeling a lot of shame around my body -- I keep saying I am going to drop 20 pounds or so, and I am just not doing it. not making good choices. not walking. keep using my MIGRAINES as the excuse -- but really, I don't know WHY I am hanging on to something I can probably manage to get under control (the weight, not the headaches). but the migraines - we're even working on reducing the frequency of those (it's not working yet, but i'll be the first to announce when it works!).
THANK YOU all - for allowing those of us who want to / need to post more than once per session / topic -- the freedom to do it.
-- me
Something that I'm starting to do to reality-check and practice critical awareness is write out my thoughts and break them down. It has been so good for me to be a part of this read-a-long and be reminded of the importance of writing and how it helps with integration, and also importantly for me PERSPECTIVE taking.
I'm working on stopping thinking I'm bad for having lots of interests, and consequently being busy. I am working on appreciating my heart and mind and my love of growth and learning. I am working on recognizing that I am doing a good job of the important things (being a part of a family, caring for people and the world..) and that my dirty shower and the weeds in the garden really are far behind those things in importance to me!
Mmmm I needed that perspective check today! Thanks xx
I reality check and practice critical awareness by realizing that nobody gets a free pass and these folks have had difficulties and made sacrifices I will never know or understand. And having many interests is something that has made my life full and rich and introduced me to people I would never have met otherwise. I realize that for me, all real living has to do with learning and communicating, and my zig zags reflect those values.
I am working on 'letting go' of the need to have one defined professional identity (even thinking about that kind of makes me laugh), and practicing courage and compassion in allowing myself to experiment, try, and maybe even fail at new things. Loving the idea that each of our lives is a tapestry and when it gets worn in one area, it allows the light behind it to shine through. Here's to shining on...