the gift of light

Monday

Oct172011

Last night as Steve and I were cleaning up the kitchen, I asked him if he had read all of the comments from my parenting book post. He sighed and said, "I did. People want and need so many different things. Did asking help or did it stress you out?"

I leaned against the counter, let out a huge breath, and smiled, "For the first time since I started writing this new book I feel excited and clear. Those 150+ comments and 300+ emails were exactly what I needed. I'm ready."

I always struggle with writing. For me, the process is very much like the famous quote from Red Smith: "Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed." The parenting book has been tougher than the others because it's such vulnerable topic. The veins that need to be opened are tender.

Reading through your ideas, suggestions, and "please don'ts" was invaluable for me. What I learned in the process surprised me and changed my entire outlook about the book:

I'm not a parenting expert, I don't want to be one, and I'm not sure that I even believe in the idea of "parenting experts."

I'm a researcher and a parent. A mapmaker and a traveler.

As a mapmaker, I've spent a decade studying the paths to wholeheartedness and I've developed a strong understanding of how families forge these paths and stay on them. The map was drawn based on the stories and experiences of thousands of people who walked down different trails that were all heading in the same direction. There wasn't one model, one expert, or one way.

I've learned that wholehearted parenting is about engagement and awareness, not perfection or outcomes. I've learned that raising children who engage with the world from a place of worthiness - who believe they are enough - is almost subversive in our culture and doesn't happen by default.

As a parent, I'm trying to create and follow a path that leads our family toward love and worthiness. That doesn't make me an expert, that makes me a fellow traveler. I climb and stumble just like everyone else. There are days when it all makes sense and I can hold space for the uncertainty and vulnerablity, and there are days when I don't know how I'll make it through another night of baths and tuck-ins.

The only thing I know for sure is that embracing wholehearted living and parenting has made a profound difference in our lives. It has brought us more joy, more courage, and instilled in each of us a deep sense of love and belonging.

I am so grateful for the light that you brought to what has been a somewhat dark process. You helped me realize that there's only one book that I can write . . . it's the one based on what I know, who I am, and what I'm learning.

Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.

Monday, October 17, 2011

41 Comments • • category:

Gifts of Imperfect Parenting,

wholehearted

Reader Comments (41)

Wow. Simply powerful. If you can write a book that even touches the surface on how your family used wholehearted living to "instill in each of you a deep sense of love and belonging", what a powerful book it will be. Blessings on your continued journey. Can't wait to learn and reap from your efforts.

10.17.2011 |

Jenny Meyerson

LOVE.
Good luck!!
xo

10.17.2011 |

Allison Zapata

One thing is for certain, there is NO one book for being a child or parent. I have learned that we are children until we lose a parent and even then we carry so much of the child inside of us. And while we all live the journey of the map, the more answers we have as to which direction we take, the road and thus direction changes each and every moment.

Now, when we really share and are willing to make mistakes and learn from each other what worked and what did not work, maybe we can grow internally and help those we influence along the road.

A helpful parenting book is one where many voices share many success and failure stories.......

10.17.2011 |

sara

I will read whatever you write, however you write - because you write from your heart, no matter the topic. When I spoke to you at Blogher this summer and mentioned how deeply your shame research resonates when it comes to parenting my daughter, and you responded that it was your daughter that led you this direction in the first place I almost wept. With recognition and gratitude from a "fellow traveler". I hope the words flow.... x

10.17.2011 |

mosey (kim)

Ah yes Brene, This is a very familiar conclusion for me as well. I have been studying my areas of passion for years and know much and do my best to walk my talk related to all the skills and tools I have learned...yet I have continued to resist embracing the term "expert" for exactly the same reasons you describe here. I too view myself as a traveler on my own path who often serves well as a "guide" for others who have interest in walking a similar path that I have chosen. Thanks for continuing to lean in, show up, share your truth and shine your light. It matters! ;)
Amy

10.17.2011 |

Amy Miyamoto

Brene, You are an inspiration! I have just recently discovered your blog after a friend recommended your Houston TEDtalk to me. I love your wholehearted approach to life and how you learned to embrace not having or needing to have "all the answers.' I want to be just like you when I grow up... oops... I'm already grown up. (still growing, of course). I am in a pretty different phase of parenting: my oldest child is just beginning the process of launching from the nest (senior in HS and in the midst of the college application process), the next is a freshman in HS and my youngest in 6th grade. However I'm sure that there will still be wonderful insights in your book that will help us on our journey. Wishing you many moments of uninhibited flow as you pour your thoughts on 'wholehearted' parenting into what I'm sure will be an amazing book. Best- Lisa Shelley

10.17.2011 |

Lisa Shelley

Thank you SO MUCH for the work you do! I have your book on shame and found it SO enlightening and I've shared it with many people...

I like what you say about being the mapmaker and a traveler - it really keeps everyone on equal footing in a way that "experts" do not and we are all truly in this thing together!

Good luck with your new book!

10.17.2011 |

The Creative Beast

Darn, Brene! You're writing that parenting book I've been threatening to write "one of these days". Oh well, I think mine was destined to be more of a joke book anyway, as in "the joke's on us" (us parents). Maybe kind of a cross between Erma Bombeck and those "Simon's Cat" cartoons. Good luck with this project ... I know it will be great! - Diana

10.17.2011 |

Diana Storms

I love that you walk your talk, your realness is such a breath of fresh air and gives me permission to laugh at my follies and embrace my humanness. I am so excited to read the parenting book!

10.17.2011 |

alex

You write it I'll read it! You are so wise and writing a parenting book... complete awesomeness!!!

I heard you speak and you talked about parenting and I have taken that small amount of info and told 100 people and will treasure it always. You opened my awareness, I cannot wait to read your book.

Thank you so much!

10.17.2011 |

Jen

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

10.17.2011 |

Deborah

I'm really looking forward to reading your parenting book! I love your description of yourself as a mapmaker. Parents could use a good map - one that points out where the drop-offs are located, when a sharp curve is approaching and when an icy surface may cause a serious accident. The saddest thing I see in the work I do with parents is when they miss the warning signs and end up crashing.

10.17.2011 |

Kathy Slattengren

That sounds like the parenting book that the world is crying out for and most definitely one that I would want to read (and I know I would gain so much from).
Thank you, intrepid fellow traveller! It is a privilege to share this journey with you.
x

10.17.2011 |

Kat

Sister,
I commend you on being brave enough to take your insight into the nature of humanity and apply it to a "parenting book." :-)

I could speak on my thoughts on parenting, but I am not yet a parent, so I feel that I should withhold those thoughts.

I sent you a tweet, but I would guess that a popular human such as yourself gets a few hundred mentions per day, so I don't even expect that it was seen in the stream. :-)

This is off topic, but I just wanted to say that your TED talk on "vulnerability" brought me to tears last night (I'm a 26 year old male who has been handcuffed more times than he can count, to put my crying in perspective.)

I cried because I felt like you were explaining part of a deep spiritual shift that has recently occurred in my life, and you explained it a little better than I have been able to, to this point. I write a lot, but a lot of my writing is ephemeral and borders on the poetic, so I have trouble getting my thoughts across, or, sometimes, even getting my thoughts to coalesce. So I wanted to say "thank you" about a thousand times for what you said that day in... Texas, was it?

I am interested in sharing my story with you. Or talking to you in some capacity. I would be interested to see where you and I stand on common philosophical ground, and where we might differ. "Philosophy" is a cruddy way to describe my life and what I'm going through of late... but I suppose it works. Language is a constant cage, eh?

Anyway... I will be following your blog anxiously to see what your next revelation might look like. Thank you again for... being alive. :-) <3

Charles

10.17.2011 |

Charles M Emerson III

brilliant and beautiful. Cheering you on.

10.17.2011 |

Concetta at Glittering Shards

Well said - looking forward to reading the new book! There is no such thing as perfect parenting and thank God I don't have to do it alone.

10.17.2011 |

Molly

I think we all need about this much support to commit to a new endeavor.

10.17.2011 |

Paul Ogen

As a mom, aunt, Montessori teacher, curriculum and program developer, holder of an M.Ed. and generally speaking an advocate of children everywhere starting with my own inner child, I KNOW I do not believe in "parenting experts." I am often asked for advice and opinions, and while I give them freely, it is always with the caveat that everyone has to find what works for them and their family.

In my educational endeavours, I have come across a great deal of knowledge, opinions, and approaches, and I can honestly say that when I try to fit one approach to any child, mine or otherwise, it never works.

There is nobody who can step into my life and give me a solution, because each and every one of those solutions depends wholly and completely on me and my son, and the situation that we are in. It depends on the time of day, who else is around, where we are, whether we're hungry, and so many other factors, that there is no one single answer possible.

Parenting is a natural and instinctual thing, two aspects from which we have, as a culture, distanced ourselves. I am a proud member of the counter-culture that believes each child is a precious being sent to teach me how to be a better person. Montessori taught us that respect for the individuality of each child in his or her totality, and his or her circumstance, is the only key to helping each child become their most natural self - the key is that there is no key, only, as you say, a map. I believe we can extend that same courtesy to parents. Each parent is also an individual, and subject to a variety of circumstances and a lot more baggage. We owe ourselves the same respect, compassion and patience that we offer our children. Hopefully if we show them how to do it for ourselves, we can not only do it more easily for them, but they will learn how to do it for themselves.

There are books out there that do embrace the philosophy of engaging with children and truly knowing them, and ourselves, but they are in the minority, and the more voices we have speaking for us, the better! I can hardly wait to read this new book of yours!

10.17.2011 |

Andrea

Thank you!
This sentence from your blog: "I've learned that raising children who engage with the world from a place of worthiness - who believe they are enough - is almost subversive in our culture and doesn't happen by default." matches exactly what I have been trying to do in now 26 years of parenting. I have always felt I have been tending and watching a garden and my job is only to encourage the life force and personality of each child to his or her fullest (whether it matches the current culture around them or not!!!). What supports me in this is to parent in the way I longed to be parented as a child.
I can't wait for your book...if only if it helps me be a better grandparent in some future time, not yet here.

10.17.2011 |

Andrea

I read your post, and then read this Paolo Coelho quote: "In order for us to liberate the energy of our strength,our weakness must first have a chance to reveal itself." It made me think of your work on vulnerability and authenticity, so I thought I'd share :)

I read your questions about your book and went away to think about it...and never got back to writing it. What I loved the most about was that it was so wholehearted (ha ha). Seriously, I felt like I was really seeing YOU through the book, and I loved that. I really value the research, and I think we parents need that, but I loved that you didn't just share information out of your head, but that you had run it all that knowledge through your heart and experience and then shared it. That's what I want from your parenting book--solid research and knowledge that has been refined through your story and others' stories. Yay--I can't wait!!

10.17.2011 |

Christen

Though I am a huge fan of your writing and looking forward to the book I wanted to comment on the photo it is gorgeous! Love, love, love it!

10.17.2011 |

Michel Jackson

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/16/opinion/sunday/notes-from-a-dragon-mom.html?_r=1&src=tp&smid=fb-share

Could be wrong, but this mother's story seems very relevant to your book.

10.17.2011 |

PamB

Parenting is such a daunting task. I think you can be good at one stage and fall down a bit at another. I was good with babies, always running to answer those cries so that they would know that they are safe and loved in a way that they will never question. I was good with toddlers, letting them bang on my pots and pans exploring their world with encouragement. I was good with the early school years, volunteering and arranging play dates so that they felt that school was important and social connection was a given. But, then came the middle school years and I tried, but fell short, not realizing that my own fears and anxiety about the world would be transferred to my children as I parented. My son is 22 now and I know that he has a good heart and is a kind sole and I could not wish for more than that, but it isn't easy watching him avoid opportunities because of anxiety. My daughter is 15 and is such an amazing child, but she too fears so many things. I guess I am writing this to say that when I began the journey that parenting became for me, I had so many hopes for my children. After 22 years, I have reassessed, adjusted, and decided that all the hopes were about me and that the only positive outcome worth a moment of thought is that they are kind loving people who make this world a better place just by being in it.
Thanks Brene for being in the world and making it a better place.

10.17.2011 |

steve

You have no idea how happy this makes me! I'd love to take your map on my journey and I'd be even more honored to be your fellow traveller.

Michelle Robindell
Ripple Effect Coaching

Latest blog post: Win signed copies of two of Brene Brown's books!!
http://www.ripple-effect-coaching.com/1/post/2011/09/ripple-effect-blog-giveaway-win-two-of-bren-browns-books.html

10.17.2011 |

Michelle Robindell

I am inspired by your post and wish you luck with your book writing process!

10.18.2011 |

Christy

I read your request for comments on your book, and I just couldn't articulate what I would want in a parenting book, given all the ones that are already out there. You have just described one I would indeed delight in reading, though. I look forward to joining in your "travels." Thanks for what you do.

10.19.2011 |

LisaAR

As a parent of young adult kids and clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and families, I can't wait to read your parenting book. Something tells me I'm going to wish I had read it about 20 years ago!

10.19.2011 |

gretchen

I'm looking forward to your book! I carry The Gifts of Imperfection with my most days and I would love to read something that specifically addresses what I'm going through as a parent. Thanks so much for all the inspiration.

10.19.2011 |

Caitlin

Your books have helped me immensely. I look forward to your perspective in a parenting book. Thank you!

10.20.2011 |

Tamara

what a wonderfull post - and so helpfull ! i am writing a book on heartache and i always thought it will be easy, because i already have it all in my mind. but to my surprise words seem to stumble more than to flow ... which is funny, because my blogs are often written within a few minutes. so maybe it is the thought of "oh, this time it has to be different, it is not "just a blog" but a book..." if we dont stress ourselfs so much in order to be perfect, to write a perfect, a good, a helpfull or whatever book - we can just share our thoughts!
love
sabine

10.24.2011 |

Sabine

I am not at all surprised that I CANNOT wait to read it. You may be a fellow traveller, but I'm so glad you are sharing your journey with us.

10.25.2011 |

Christine @ Coffees and Commutes

Hi Brene,

There is a really wonderful book on parenting by a medical doctor and a psychologist called "Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers" that as I read your stuff I believe fits well with it. You might look to it for some inspiration. One of the most iintriguing comments is that they say parenting should not be hard. I wonder if things like love/beloning/vulnerability/parenting are hard to both speak about and talk about because intuitively we know they are common sense, but as the saying goes "the spirit is willling but the flesh is weak."

The other thing I wanted to share is a song by my favorite singer/songwriter Dar Williams. The Song is Called "The One Who Knows" and speaks wonderfully I believe to what you believe parenting to be about. It is actually a song she wrote for her newborn son. The title of your blog post made be think of the line that says "I'll the shine the light that guides you down the road you're walking on". I have included the full lyrics below.

All the best through this process.

Sarah

Dar Williams Lyrics

The One Who Knows
Words and music by Dar Williams

Time it was I had a dream
You're the dream come true
If I had the world to give
I'd give it all to you

I'll take you to the mountains
I will take you to the sea
I'll show you how this life became
A miracle to me

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

All the things you treasure most
Will be the hardest ones
I will watch you struggle on
Before the answers come

But I won't make it harder
I'll be there to cheer you on
I'll shine the light that guides you down
The road you're walking on

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

Before the mountains call to you
Before you leave this home
I want to teach your heart to trust
As I will teach my own

But sometimes I will ask the moon
Where it shined upon you last
And shake my head and laugh and say
It all went by so fast

You'll fly away
But take my hand until that day
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job's done
You'll be the one who knows

10.26.2011 |

Sarah

I too am looking forward to hearing more about your new parenting book. I've stopped buying parenting books as it just ended up making me feel guilty for not doing what they said that I should be doing or spending one more morning where I found myself screaming to be heard.

Like the others, I've been following your journey and I'm sure that we'll able to benefit from your journey as you continue to help us with ours!
thanks so much for being you :)
-penney

10.27.2011 |

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I've just met you. You weren't there really, but a lovely little matchmaker called my Amazon Suggestions List introduced us. I'm in awe of the things you say and can't wait to hear more. As someone who has been through sexual, verbal, emotional abuse and the daughter of an absent father and narcissistic mother....just from reading the little intros to your books, the preface and some reviews, you've given me hope. I haven't even gotten your book yet. I ordered it yesterday. But this is what I want. To turn from my escapist life and all the things that numb me and to truly live. God told me it was possible. He held out this flame of hope that someday I would be who I really wanted to be as an alternative to suicide when I was a teenager. I still hold on to that hope, and lately have made major changes and come to grips with huge revelations about what I've been through in my life. I NEED to live. I WANT to live. And I know that I'm not. Not really. I guess I'm saying all of this to say I'm glad I found you. Thank you God for allowing me to find you. Already you have touched my life and given me something to say, "yes, THAT'S what I want" to. Having been sick and hiding for so long, sometimes I forget the vision of what I want. Sometimes i forget to even want anything different at all or think that it's possible. wholeheartedness. Yes, God. I want that. And as someone that is so afraid of having children in the first place for fear of screwing them up as bad as I've been screwed up....you can bet your sweet cheeks I'll be buying that parenting book you write too. :) Here's to many happy days and nights traveling together. :)

11.21.2011 |

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12.17.2011 |

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12.17.2011 |

xhm

great resource that i read-
The Men They Will Become, Eli Newberger (M.D.)
Actually applicable to parenting girls and boys.

12.20.2011 |

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Please include the story about doing the robot in the middle of the store, that one story had transformed my whole outlook on what it means to parent in a way that doesn't allow shame to get in the way. I'm not a parent though - so, perhaps I'm a little nieve ;).

01.15.2012 |

Antria

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