quote of the week - cs lewis

Comments

[Mitch]

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

[Joan]

wonderful... thanks for sharing!

[Rick Ackerly]

Brilliant. I never heard that one before. Thank you. ...again.

[Jet Harrington]

Yes. Thank you.

[k]

Beautiful. Thank you.

[Samantha]

Hmmm. I'm thinking that those who applaud this sentiment should extend a little more compassion to those who are so frightened of the risks of love, or who have already been hurt so badly by its absence. CS Lewis' pronouncement can only be uttered by someone who has forgotten what it's like to feel so bereft that isolation seems a better choice than trying again. Understanding, not judgment, is what the locked up heart needs in order to re-emerge.

[carol]

just what i needed today. thank you.

[Amie aka MammaLoves]

You have no idea how timely this is for me. Thank you.

[Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams]

One of my favorites - truly moving, and an honest assessment of the risks inherent in love.

[Pam Stucky]

Thank you, Brené!

That reminds me of another of my favorite quotations:

RISK

Author unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to others is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.

The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks can be free.

[Suzi]

LOVE this! Will this be a badge on your website?
Thank you for sharing!!

[ab]

one of my favourites.

[Sarah]

inspiring!

[Glenda Childers]

I keep hearing great reports about your talk at Blissdom. Yahoo.

Fondly,
Glenda

[Eric]

Samantha, I didn't hear any judgement in either the quote or any of the comments above. It seems Lewis is simply stating how the human heart works whether we like it, agree with it or reject it. The respondents seem to just be acknowledging the truth of the statement. I don't think it's justifiable for you to assume that none of the other respondents have experienced similar hurts as yourself. Perhaps they are further along in their journey and are able to see the truth with different eyes. As far as Lewis goes, I think he can make that pronouncement because he DOES remember what it's like, or sees the potential within himself to withdraw to protect his own heart.
Resentment of those who are further along in their journey will not help you move along in yours. I too am early in my journey toward wholeness. I wish you well along yours.
Eric

[Wanda]

YES!

[Anne]

@Samantha...

I hear you loud and clear...I have been there...some days, when I am really struggling to come to grips with life among a broken, "malfocused" humanity, I go back and camp out awhile. It is not easy to love wide open in the way(s) this quotation implies that we should, but the thing I learn repeatedly and consistently each and every time I approach love and life with my arms wide shut is that it takes far more energy and time and pain to protect myself from feeling and getting hurt (again and again and again and again...sometimes VERY badly) than it does to put my love and my heart out there and to do so from the center of who I am. Compassion? Oh, I feel you...deeply! Truly!!! If only there were space enough here to tell you how much so!!!!! All I can say is how sorry I am for your hurts and disappointments...particularly the ones that cut to the soul (inflicted, no doubt, by people with problems, pains, and pathologies that are no easy match for someone trying to live and love fearlessly). Hang in there, Samantha! Hope is inside you waiting to burst out...otherwise you wouldn't be here with is thinking about (and speaking back to) its merits. Passing you a cyber-hug from one wounded-but-healing heart to another.

[Anne]

@ Eris ~ Gently, dude. Gently.

[Brené Brown]

Like an idea or thought, a quote can spark unexpected conversation. I appreciate everyone's willingness to engage in thoughtful conversation.

[Diana]

It would be a shame to move from feeling ashamed for being vulnerable, to feeling ashamed for NOT being, or showing, vulnerability. Samantha, I can definitely understand your feeling judgment in C. S. Lewis' remarks, and in the enthusiastic affirmations from others here. I wish he hadn't used the word "selfishness". That's such a shaming word, particularly for women. But his own history was informing what he said. He married late in life, having had a very locked up heart until he fell deeply in love. Then he lost her to cancer, and he was devastated. When he made these remarks, he hadn't forgotten what it was like to be locked away, or what it was like to be fully open and vulnerable, or what it was like to be hurt beyond what felt bearable. He was just struggling along like the rest of us poor humans. Eric, I don't know that we get "further along in our journeys" and somehow master grief and loss or being open or closed. I think we take different paths at different times, and our openness may ebb and flow. Some days I feel as if I see through the eyes of God. Other days I threaten to get out my (imaginary) UZI and shoot people. Some days "my song" is Simon & Garfunkle's "I Am a Rock, I Am an Island". Other days "my song" is Barbara Streisand's "People" (needing other people are the luckiest people in the world). Same me, different days. :-)

[Malinda]

I think C.S. Lewis writes this from the wisdom he gained from knowing both the isolation of withholding love and the pain of losing it. Marrying late in life, then losing his wife to cancer, suggests he's experienced all this quote reveals. I'm still torn daily between wanting to guard my heart from pain but also wanting to open it up to give and receive love. C.S. Lewis' quote reminds me it's a struggle for many people, but the rewards are great.

[Samantha]

Eric,

Thanks for your response. I should have been more precise, since I found the phrase "Lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness" to impart judgment on the person so badly hurt that such a decision--to be isolated away from humanity--makes sense. Substituting the word self-protection for selfishness would have changed the meaning of the quote - speaking for me only.

In my earlier response, I was reacting to the use of the word selfishness to describe an action that feels self-nurturing, even if it results in further harm to the soul. I was not trying to imply that others have not experienced similar hurts as I have, nor resenting that "others are further along on their journey" than I am in mine.

However, I do thank you for your generosity in wishing me well, regardless of your implication on where I stand now. That wish exemplifies the type of compassion I felt was missing in CS Lewis' quote.

[Brené Brown]

I so grateful for this conversation. It's exactly what I needed today. Sometimes invulnerability feels like a choice. Other times it feels like a matter of life and death. Every time I think I get it, I lose it and have to wake up all over again.

Thank y'all.

[Samantha]

@ Anne - Thank you for your response - wounded-but-healing is exactly right - and a cyber hug right back to you!

@ Diana - Ah, context! Your information about CS Lewis helps so much, and as in so many other cases, knowing someone's story promotes compassion for rather than reaction against. Thank you for sharing both his and your stories of struggle and blessing.

[Charlotte Rains Dixon]

A perfect quote to start February--the month of love--with. And when I say love I mean it in the full, rich sense, not just romantic love.

[Anne]

@ Brené Brown

I think it was Gerald Graff who said something like, "when we teach the conflicts theory breaks out." So cool to see his "theory" breaking out here while we are all studying the conflicts of vulnerability (and invulnerability) with you. Cooler still to see that this break out was/is something you need today. Bread crumbs of grace are delicious, are they not?

[Morag]

This is a very life-affirming passage, in many ways. Not having known about CS Lewis' relationship background, I'm grateful to those who have illuminated it, because it does somewhat alter the context of what he said. I now read the last line as being very much sighed in a spirit of almost regret - to love fully, we must be prepared to accept heartache as the possible price.

My husband, whom I adored, died suddenly 6 years ago. Although I dealt with this pragmatically, as that's the kind of person I am, I believe I hardened my heart to love for quite a while. Then one day I decided this was not me, and decided to accept that to love is to be vulnerable. All I needed to do was to choose someone worthy of that.

Opening up to my boyfriend emotionally was initially difficult, because he too is a very emotionally self-protective person (again, because of hurts in his past). The first time I told him I loved him, he rushed out to have two cigarettes in rapid succession! But we talked about what love means, and I explained I didn't need any reciprocal declaration from him (I didn't need it, because I read it in his behaviour). To him, "love" was about control and commitment and brought back memories of his failed marriage. I explained how I interpreted it, and I was not asking him to change anything, just to accept that I loved him.

A few months later, he was relaxed enough to use the L word himself for the first time, because he was ready to allow himself to be vulnerable. :)

[krys]

Brene, this quote touched me today-thank you. I also want to say thank you to all of the posters who commented on it (especially since it seems people are really making the Free Range Social Media commitment here:) . I have been feeling very locked-in to myself lately, and it's felt like it's been for self-preservation reasons. I've been making a big effort to let more people in, and to do so is making me feel vulnerable every day. I'm finding that my friends are so grateful for my efforts, and that has made me feel more connected than I've allowed myself to feel for some time. I've 'known' I love them dearly, but I haven't been able to show it in the way that they/we deserve when I am so shut-down. It really is a life-saving endeavor.

I'm planning on sending the quote to them as a little thank you.
~K

[Tina]

Thank you, Brene. As always you reached me where it counts. I've just come through a major depressive episode for which there were many causes. But a big one was being afraid to trust love again and feel vulnerable and this deeply affected my new relationship. My sweetheart went to Florida for the winter and I stayed here in the Pacific northwest. After many sessions with my wonderful therapist, new dosing in my antidepressant, and many, many loving and understanding loving talks with my SO, the sun is finally shining again. Having this quote will definitely help me in my journey to heal my heart.

Thank you again. I love the discussion that has evolved from this.

[Wendy]

This is something I really needed reminding of !

[sperlygirl]

so needed to read this one today... thank you

[mosey]

Geez man. I love CS Lewis, and I had never read this quote in its entirety. Phew.... Thank you.

[Angela DiGiovanni | Living Out Loud]

Yes, yes, yes! C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite authors! He describes this so brilliantly.

[Meg]

Life is funny sometimes. This is a beautiful and thought-provoking quote, Brené.
But I must admit it's the conversation that was even more meaningful to me.
Thoughtful, intelligent, vulnerable.
Thanks to all.

xo

[Gingerlee]

This has been a very interersting read with all your comment & the spectrum of them. I have always admired C. S. Lewis & I do agree with the sentiment of his comment. I have just come out of about 36 yrs of depression since childhood due to the death of my mother at 8yrs old, living with an alcoholic father who married again when I was 10yrs old - to not a nice person I may add - they used to fight every month or so & he would hide in the dark & drink alone while I stayed downstairs with her & her children. She took most of my mothers things meant for me when she left when I was 12 - since then I basically raised myself & took care of my father. He was a good man but very sarcastic & in so much pain - & for most of my life I had believed I didn't deserve to be truly loved & accepted - that I was somehow flawed & not worthy of being loved.
It has taken about 10 yrs of being in a verbally abusive marriage & becoming a mother of 2 amazing children - as well as searching so hard for wholeness - thinking that somehow somebody or something else would save me from myself. Thank God I have finally found wholeness just like Brene describes - & I have found we have to become vulnerable (just as she has found in doing her research of the 'whole hearted') - in order to open ourselves up to the other side of the spectrum - where our hearts can truly become whole again.
I truly thought it would NEVER happen to me - even up until a few months ago I really thought I would be lost forever to the darkness - but in changing my thoughts to positive ones ( not an easy or quick task - it does take alot of time but it does work) - & as well allowing God & the Universe to do its work of transformation - but the biggest reason why I came out of it is because I was willing to slowly open myself again to positive like-minded people who were a continual support & encouragement.
I KNOW this is real - & will be permanent as it is something I have never experienced before - my heart is truly WHOLE - but also wide open. I know I will be hurt again - that is life - we are all human & all will either intentionally or unintentionally hurt others sometime - that is who we are. But this time I finally realize all I can control is my reactions to others comments & actions - I realize now that how others react is nothing to do with me - its their issues & the things they struggle with - that has helped me so much in not being nearly as offended as I used to. I did take everything personally but not anymore - I now know my worth & am so enjoying actually being authentic with people - like a sponge I want to connect with people & life like never before. Life is more beautiful than I ever had imagined it could be - yet in alot of ways my circumstances are the same. My husband still has anger issues - he's much better than he used to be but still has a ways to go - I don't know if we will stay married unless he gets the tools for himself to deal with why he is angry but he is such an amazing man in every other aspect it will break my heart if he never gets to where I now am.
I just wanted to express all this in order to give everyone on their own journey's some hope. i am no mental health expert - I am only an expert of my own experience but I will say that if I can come out the other side there is hope for EVERYONE.
I have just discovered you Brene - my good friend posted your video on the power of vulnerability & it was like you were speaking right to me. I very much look forward to reading more of your works as you have already blessed me immensely. I thank you for having the guts to be so authentic yourself - you are truly an inspiration of the power of vulnerability & how it can be truly life transforming - I know you will have touched many people struggling on their own life journeys.
Many Blessings to you all!!

[Lorie]

I do love this quote. It is one of my favorites. It speaks to the idea of not being able to feel joy fully unless you can accept pain fully. It is part of the balance (which everything, always, comes back to - at least in my journey).

I received this wisdom in my Daily Om newsletter this week:
In the process of becoming, we can become out of balance temporarily, but know it is only a phase and will pass.

The message is that as we try out new ways of being, it is uncomfortable and usually we will swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, before finding our balance. I believe this to be true at even a daily level- sometimes we pull too hard one way and then push back too hard the other- striving for that balance.

Part of self care is knowing when you need to pull back into yourself to re-fuel, but the balance is knowing that "avoiding all entanglements" is not the place to live.

[Eileen]

Thanx....once again I've learned from you

[warren]

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4
English poet (1809 - 1892)

[Rosemary Heenan]

What a beautiful discussion you've prompted with this quote Brene. Having been on both sides of this at different points I understand how much courage it takes to stay open-hearted. I also understand the need for protection and staying alone for periods of time to mend the wounds.

[Christen]

I am sitting here stunned. Today was the last day of Marianne Elliott's 30 Days of Yoga. It was an eye-opening and puzzling llittle journey with my body. But this quote and discussion is making lights come on! What I went through in trying to relate to my physical body as it is now suddenly seems like an amazing metaphor of the journey my heart has been on over the last few years. If I can work with my physical limitations and pains and strains and the shattering of the expectations I had of my body...if I can keep backing up and becoming more and more gentle with my movement until it finally fits the reality of where I am...then I can do that with my heart too. I can let go of the brokenheartedness that is keeping me afraid, and I can keep getting gentler and gentler with my heart until it is ready to soften more. Thanks Brene and community! And if I put this into words better and blog about it i will post it in the comments here.

[RhondaB]

unghhhhhhhh... geez... you just had to say that huh?

[Laura]

Thank you Brene. By the way - I LOVED hearing you on CBC. You have had a little Canadian following in my group of friends for the past year and a half so it was great to hear you on our radio!

[Deanna]

beautiful and insightful, the quote and the conversations. Thank you!

[katie]

cracked open, broken and fixed at the same time. one of life's biggest paradoxes

[Eric]

Diana, I agree that we experience grief, pain, joy, etc differently each time we encounter it, but I don't think that means we aren't moving along on our journey. Sometime after the loss of our infant twins I observed that grief seemed to be like driving a road that goes around and around a mountain as it brings you to the top. In my grief I seemed to experience a certain feeling or difficulty that I had already gone through. But, because of my experience, I moved through it the second (or third, or fourth!) time with new eyes. Just like as you travel around the mountain, you see the same views each time you make the circuit, but because you are higher up, your perspective of that same view is different than it was before. (It's not a perfect metaphor because we certainly don't "reach the top" in matters of the heart. But it did help me describe my grief process to others who cared to ask.)

Samantha, thank you for your response. I re-read your original comment with "new eyes". Misunderstanding is just too easy for us humans! I read your comment very carefully before responding and still missed your heart. I'm sorry if it felt critical or "ungentle".
All the best.
Eric

[Diana]

Hi Eric, I am so sorry about the loss of your infant twins. The mountain you are spiraling is Mt Everest.
I can appreciate the metaphor of the mountain road and an ascending spiral. The image that might apply to what I said would be more like a spoked wheel. The difference with the wheel is it is nonlinear, i.e., there is no "finish line", no pinnacle. You had suggested that Samantha was resentful of those who were "further along" on their journeys. Rather than seeing people as ahead or behind, I prefer to think of us as simply moving along on different points on the wheel, sometimes around the circumference, sometimes on one spoke or another, sometimes in the hub. If I ever thought I'd reached a mountaintop, I'd probably just fall right off! :-; Diana

[Simran]

Love it. Thanks for sharing

[melissa]

i am a huge fan of c.s. lewis and i absolutely LOVE this quote. it's hard thing for me. i often say "i don't need people." but i do. it's hard to be vulnerable. vulnerability leads to heart break. but i would rather experience the pain of that emotion than come to the point where i cannot experience emotion at all.

thanks for sharing.

[Christine]

Brené you are opening a whole new way of thinking for me. with both the ideas and sentiments you share here and over at Mondo Beyondo. I cannot express how grateful I am.

[Carey]

Your blog is such a bright spot in my day. I am an MFT grad student and your research and perspectives have helped me (and my clients) a great deal.

Thank you so very much!

Carey