daring greatly read-along #3

Hi everyone! Welcome to the 3rd Daring Greatly podcast. Sorry for the delay. If you were in the audience in Chicago or Minneapolis last week you'll know that I totally lost my voice. It's back (although I still sound a little Suzanne Pleshette-y at times). 

I loved your questions this week - thank you. And, just a little warning - brace yourself for a really long football analogy. I'm not sure what came over me, but it's a surprisingly easy way to talk about the "illusion of vulnerability" (and for better or worse, I'm a sports person).

Here's a link to Stuart Brown's wonderful book on play. 

Here's a link to my post on the holiday crazies: Must the show really go on?

I'll be back on Wednesday evening with the audio for Chapter 3 (Shame). The e-mail address to send questions is daringgreatlyquestions(at)gmail(dot)com. 

Here is the iTunes link if you want to subscribe to the podcast. It normally takes a couple of hours for the podcast to upload to iTunes so it might be this evening. If you're reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast (18 minutes). 

I'm happy to answer questions from the comments! Have a great week. 

Daring Greatly Read-Along #3

Comments

[Diane]

Amen, Sister!

A couple of years ago I co-wrote a huge report and recommendation to the president of my university about Work-Life Balance. But my own personal life? Not always so much with the whole WLB thing. Especially when it comes to the holidays. I wrote a blog post about it about my own circling the drain experience a couple of years ago. You can read it here:
http://blogs.oregonstate.edu/parents/2011/12/02/when-the-work-life-balance-train-derails/

My family? They have survived. We now also go away for a week of renewal over Thanksgiving. And I haven't sent Christmas cards in three years. I might do it this year....if I feel like it. Life is good.

[Mindie Kniss]

A read-along... what an awesome idea!
Thank you for this and for your incredible contribution to this work. =)

[Kristen]

wonderful podcast! i just felt like adding my 2 cents on competition. I think there are two parts, like you talk about: play, like your son's soccer team does, and really competitive, like your daughter's team. And I agree how wonderful play is.
The only thing I wanted to add about competitive teams like your daughter's team, is that I think it can help us with what you talk about in Gifts of Imperfection: healthy striving, or striving towards excellence. You can use the competition in that way. Comparing yourself to others can help you grow and become better - if you do it healthfully. So, for me, I studied to become an opera singer in college - which was a very competitive environment, but I felt like I was always really just competing with myself. My voice was (is) unique. Everyone's voice was. My voice can you things yours can't, and yours can do things that mine can't. I liked what you did with that note, I might try that, and if my voice can do it, great, if it can't thats OK too. I also had a great teacher to guide me. But maybe it helped I always felt pretty secure in my singing ability, and there was never a lack of external confidence boosters in that department. But in contrast, the competition of the acting department was much more terrifying to me. So much so that I probably avoided auditions, etc because of it. And I probably made unhealthy comparisons through the fierce competition, and also relied heavily on only a few people's (teachers') judgments and critiques.
So, I guess in summary, if you feel secure, you can use competition to strive to be a better you, but if you dont, it will be more difficult.
But now I have posed a question from this - how can we feel secure without the external praise? I was always secure about singing because I always got a lot of positive external feedback consistently...AND singing was something I could easily get feedback on. People felt really comfortable giving me feedback on.
People are less apt to praise other people often on their subtle and wonderful ability to listen, or how wonderfully analytical they are, or how lovely their passionate nature is....
thoughts? :)
Kristen

[Christina Merwin]

Super excited about the read-along podcast! I can understand the emotion and uncertainty talking about sports, as not everyone can relate. Yet, I have learned so many important lessons about day to day life playing soccer! Thank you for sharing these stories!

[Anto]

Hi,

I am sorry but this comment is not related to the post.
I have a question regarding the books.
I saw on Amazon that "I thought it was just me" has two different titles.
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"
and
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power

Is it the same book, a second edition, ...?

Thank you!

you can reply by email. thank you!

[Christine K]

I just want to say thank you for this book and your previous ones. I've been in a "shit storm of shame" at work lately and having Daring Greatly on my Kindle to pull out and read has been so immensely helpful.
It's helped me realize that I need to do what is right to do, even if I fail.

Christine

[Caprice]

Just want to say thanks for doing this read-along, Brene. It's adding yet another layer of encouragement and insight to an already-rewarding book!!

[Leslie]

Thanks for this post!
I have a question that stemmed from your discussion about game and sport and the ability to enjoy and be vulnerable in the sense of not having to win. What if your underlying cause for not needing to win is actaully to avoid the shame of losing? I have been around sport a lot as a parent, as a person who used to participate in sport, as a game playing family, and as having had a career in sport administration - I firmly believe in the benefits of sport to the whole person independent of score or ranking, but when you were talking about it from my own personal level (ie. when I am playing and hold that "not needing to win" attitude) I immediatly connected it to the avoidence of shame... if I don't win, it doesn't matter and at least I won't feel like I failed... and won't experience feelings of shame for not being good enough.

[Cheryl]

First thank you SO Much for your wonderful read-alongs.

My question is: This question is based on a question you answered in your readalong #2; please forgive if you covered it in #3; I wanted to ask it before I forgot again. The original question was - "How can I believe I'm enough if I'm not doing the things that would fulfill me?"

I guess my question is... How can I believe I'm enough, if I still don't believe it EVEN when I AM doing the things that do fulfill me?

I've worked so hard on myself in therapy and in my work. And this fall I'd arrived at a place in my life where things I've been striving for my whole life, are finally coming true. But as soon as I allow myself to really experience it, my old 'You Don't Deserve this' tape slam me backwards. It's really, really hard to believe I'm worth receiving 'being enough'.

Thank you so much again, for sharing your work with us all. Cheryl

[Amalia]

Oh, Brené, you've done it again...
I've only read through Chapter 2 because I find that I have lots of thinking to do- in each of the first two chapters there has been one nugget of wisdom that I've grabbed onto and just sat with for a few days. The last paragraph in Chapter 2, discussing focussing on the opinions of those who really matter because they are the ones in the arena with you, was a timely reminder in my work life right now.
Thank you for your amazing work. It keeps me growing.

[Pam]

I was so excited (still am) when I read Ree Drummond's (Pioneer Woman) post about your new book. Every so often such posts lead me to Amazon -- and in your case I purchased three of your books, and when they arrived, began with the earliest, dealing with shame. In life I've experienced shyness and the overwhelming feelings of rejection -- but I'm not ashamed of me or who I am. I'm just not secure enough to barge into a group and say, "here I am, accept me." Why should I be ashamed of this? I'll keep reading ...

[Dennis]

Being a man, I loved the football analogy. A smart person such as a smart coach always protects his vulnerabilities. We are our own coaches through the weight loss process and must stay focused on our weaknesses so that we can guard against them.

[Silvia]

Brené, I love your work! You're a source of inspiration! Thank you so much for being just the way you are!

Silvia from Portugal

[Brenda Hutchings]

Dear Brene, thank-you so much for giving this podcast to us. I have enjoyed listening to "The Gifts of Imperfection" and " I thought is was just me" . I was envious of your bombers group, and put it out to the universe, and sure enough, a creative, supportive, group of women has morphed into my life. Reaching out and trying was the key, thank you.
Lastly, if you are keeping your podcasts short so that we won't tune out, please, feel free to ramble on, your "ramblings" help me greatly, bringing me comfort, compassion, knowledge and a sense of peace. (I'm guessing I'm not the only one who feels this way.)
Thank you for daring greatly,
Brenda

[Kevin Tones]

Dr. Brown,
Thank you for reposting the link to your "The Show Must Go On!" blog post. We struggle with this very problem. My dear wife, Amy and I love Christmas, both as a religious and secular holiday. We love to decorate and do it up. Which means the stress can hit us hard.
This year one son has entered college and the other high school. This means change is here and will likely contribute to the holiday stress. I will share the article with everyone else and consciously and deliberately ask what we want to be, feel and do this year. Whatever isn't ours, we will drop.
Thanks for putting this in words. I think it will help.
Ad Astra Per Aspera
Kevin

[Ellen]

Loved reading your "Must the show really go on?" post. I love all of the holiday prep and activity, but I don't want to be an actor in my own life. Really looking for authenticity this year - and the love and connection that are sure to follow.

[Kathy Ericksen]

Wow, I've loved your podcasts. It's a whole other level of this book. Can't fully express the things happening in my heart and in my head, but it feels like I'm having a significant shift in thinking. Play has always been something I have a hard time giving myself permission to do. Feeling the layers of learning you are providing in my life. Have you ever had those dips that have multiple levels and you think you are getting a bite of this, but end up tasting that? Find that happening with your writing and sharings. THANKS!

[Julie Bee]

Just read this quote in the reader's guide and it took by breathe away...
“Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”

This feeling state is so layered. I find that as I get older, I can no longer remain "unseen." The more I am able to be myself, the easier it is to tease this out in others. I'm on the other side of 50 and the realization that time is short and people matter, good work matters, feeling tired at the end of the day because I contributed, matters.

Your work, Brene...matters! Thanks you.

[SARAH CHRISTINA]

THANK YOU, SWEET TEACHER FOR SHARING YOURSELF ONCE AGAIN.

I AM VERY PLEASED THAT NO ONE IS CASTING STONES AS BEFORE.
YOU DESERVE ONLY THE HIGHEST OF RESPECT FOR YOUR WORK.

ENJOY YOUR SWEET SPACE.

SC

[Karen Kilbane]

Hi. Thank you for your work. After consuming all of your videos and reading your first 2 books I had a rushing insight about the fundamental nature of the human personality. We are perpetuating human existence in a way that does not allow our human personalities to operate optimally. We know the end results we want from our existence and from our relationships, but we consistently run into walls in trying to achieve these desired outcomes. We have placed the responsibility on each individual human to try harder, live smarter, and clarify intentions.in order for them to achieve the desired outcomes. I now believe that we are chasing our tails, because we do not understand the roles that emotions and thoughts play in the social mammal. Thoughts and emotions are bits of information useable by each human to make sense of, make predictions about, take action, or have a reaction to any given environment. We have come to understand who we are, however, in terms of what our emotions and thoughts mean to other people and how they affect other people's emotions. Consequently, we understand other people in terms of how they affect us. We can only understand another person;s thoughts and actions in terms of how we process them through our physiology. We are liiterally processing other people's thoughts and feelings and they are processing ours. This fact wreaks havoc on intimate relationships. This fact wreaks havoc on many people who cannot make this adaptation. I now believe that personality disorders are not disorders, they are adaptations made by people who cannot understand themselves in terms of how they affect others. Your research and my experience with my students who have are on the spectrum tells me that having our interactions with our environment constatnly vulnerable to comment and judgement, is an unbearable mode of existence. Also, the humiliation of potentially being wrong in a situation of being judged, is one of the most unbearable feelings there is. Some people would rather create alternative realities where only they know the rules rather than wear their personalities on the outside of themselves vulnerable to attack at every moment. This backwards mode of existence is causing insanity. Insanity is an adaptation, not an inherent problem. We are born to connect and belong and to do all that humans do with elegance and organic brilliance. Now we are expected to "achieve" our humanity through the hard work of building our character and becoming good people. This notions, that we have to spend a lifetime of effort to erase or modify all the inadequacies we are straddled with by being born human, is making us crazy. We are perfectly equal to the task of being human, but Freud nailed the coffin shut after the world religions built it. Religious dogma and Freud all say humans are born inadequate, we are filled with emotions and desires that will run amok if we don't work hard to control and manage them. So the thoughts and emotions that are supposed to be our clues for how to interact with our environment at all times, are looked at by us as if they are foreign invaders to be conquered. These are just a few of the inhibiting ideas that persist about human personality, and the wrongness of these ideas is eroding our humanity little by little,

[Cheryl]

What Brenda said!! Could not agree more!

[Alaine]

Just want to send my grateful thanks to you Brene for your wonderful work. Similar to another commentator here, I have experienced a world of shame at work this past week. This time, when it hit, I just stopped what I was doing and said "this is a shame storm" over and over until my rational brain kicked back in and I could begin to see the wood for the trees again. I then reached out for help when I got home -- talking it over with my husband -- and treated myself like a best friend would - tender words, comfort food, bubble bath and an early night. Such a change from how I would have handled it before! It was still a difficult week but I got through it with my head held high. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Hannah@eligiblegreeks]

I am glad that your voice is back (even though you don't sound like yourself sometimes ;-) ).

We need reminders to play. Sometimes we do take life too seriously and we only stop to take a break when we are forced to because of illness. This puts us under strain even when we are supposed to be recuperating because we are worrying about all the deadlines we have missed, or the things we should be doing.

The truth is that life does go on even if we can't pack 25 hours of work into twenty. It will move right on along without us if we collapse. Rest and play are important. Thanks for the reminder.

[Tanja]

Hi Brene

I have enjoyed listening to your TED talks and the pod casts.

I just want to share something that our English teacher taught us. We were learning how to write different kinds of letters. One of the letters we had to write was an apology letter. She said that we should write the letter without using the word 'sorry'. I was so confused. How can you write an apology without being sorry?

I wrote my apology without being sorry. That was 10 years ago and I still keep that in mind whenever i do something wrong and feel so ashamed, so sorry. I dont think that kind of shame is necessary if, for example, you late or if you forget something.

Once, I missed a doctor's appointment. I had the first appointment at 7:00 so I felt incredibly bad that he had made an effort to accomodate me by giving me an early appointment and I forgot about it. I felt incredibly ashamed. I phoned and was very sorry. He was very good about it and said 'These things happen'. He said that he anyway had reports to write so it gave him the time to catch up on this.

I was grateful that this doctor was so understanding. However, even if I had messed him around and he didn't have anything to do during this time or if he could have seen another patient, I would have paid the late cancellation fee. And preferably without feeling shame.

Two things I learnt:
- There is no need to feel ashamed for these kinds of small mistakes
- To show empathy when other people make these same mistakes and to not make them feel ashamed.

[Rose]

Brene

Thank you, I am a complete fan of your work. As a business leader (loose description) in local government I am enjoying introducing new ideas to the management of my new team.... even more exciting they are responding.

I managed to get the audio book in the UK, its great I have long 3 hour drives on a Monday and Friday so the audio version is a great way of learning whilst driving - I have one complaint.... its not you reading. Being a fan of yours I was disappointed - its doesnt feel authentic with someone else reading your words.

Do let us know in plenty of time before your next visit.

thanks

Rose