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walking the tightrope: thoughts on vulnerability and hurt
Warning: I'm breaking my own rule of "No posts when you're really upset."
Earlier this morning CNN ran an op/ed that I wrote on authenticity and risk-taking. In a collaboration with TED, they also posted my 2012 TED talk on shame.
Ironically, the essay is about the how difficult but important it is to show up and let ourselves be seen and the TED talk focuses on how gender norms are used as shame tools.
I knew there would be discussion and disagreement - especially because I talk about the word authenticity - a loaded term now that it's been coopted and overused. I knew some people would hate it and other people would find fault with my writing or my argument. These are all risks that I'm willing to take because I believe in my work.
But I'll be honest with you, I'll never get used to the cruelty and personal attacks.
I'm never prepared for being called stupid, ugly, and pathetic. I'm ready for a good debate on the topic, but I'm not ready for things like this:
When I read this along with some of the others (which are apparently being removed), I burst into tears.
I wanted to hide.
I wanted to scream, "Screw you, kinderlove! Where's your frickin' essay?"
I wanted to defend myself. "I know I look terrible. They spray painted my face for the High-Def TED talk and it makes me look like I'm melting."
I wanted to keep the people I love from reading the comments so they wouldn't feel sorry for me.
But mostly I just cried and questioned if the work is worth the vulnerability.
I'm writing this because I'm always asked how I became so strong and immune to the criticism. The answer is that I am strong, but I'm not immune. It hurts. Like hell. Even though I know that "it's not about me" or "some people are projecting" - it still hurts. I'm human.
Here's what I've learned:
1. When we stop caring what other people think we lose our capacity for connection. When we are defined by what people think we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.
2. When we close ourselves off to feedback we stop growing. When we open ourselves up to ongoing cruelty, we shut down to self-protect.
Showing up in our lives - our families, our marriages, our careers - is a tightrope walk. My balance bar is the shame resilience I've cultivated over the past several years, my family, and my faith.
There are places like TED.com and NPR.org where the comments are tough, but fair and focused on the work. Users sign in and take responsibly for their feedback. I'll continue to share my work there and read those comments.
There are places that represent the worst in all of us. Where people are careless with their criticism and take pleasure in hurting people - even other commenters. kinderlove got attacked for attacking me and that's not helpful.
I'm going to stop reading those comments, but more importantly, I'm also going to stop contributing to those venues.
So, to all of you who want to help . . . take a stand. Embrace difference. Be respectful. Let's take responsibility for our comments.
And to all of you who are sharing your work, your ideas, and yourself with the world - thank you. I know it's not easy and I know being strong doesn't stop it from hurting.
I'm still standing. I'm not done. And, as Brandi Carlile sings in The Story:
"All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am."
Brené
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Reader Comments (374)
Love, Jordi
By definition, these anonymous posters are not engaging you as human beings. They begin by hiding. What you are really seeing in print are feelings, not truth. Someone is lashing out at you because you are challenging their suppositions, many of which are protecting a very fragile inner core. Your arguments are sound (hence your invite to TED and general success), so they go for you in the only way they know how -- via the schoolyard taunt.
Now, if someone posted a nasty comment with their real identity, that would be a different story. You'd be able to understand them better, for one thing. But they would also have to bear the consequences of their negativity and darkness. This character -- kinderlove -- has thrown a hand grenade and walked away. This is cowardice.
It's really important to me that you stay engaged with the world. Your work is so helpful and spot on. Please refrain from listening to the nonsense. The vast majority, the silent majority, are behind you.
YES! And I hate seeing it. I refuse to contribute to such sites, and try very hard not to even visit them. It's sad, but that's just the way it is and I have a choice.
My choice is not to behave that way. I'm sorry for what you experienced. It hurts. I know. But rising above it is, in my opinion, the best response.
The struggle and the necessity is to be able to be vulnerable and also remember not to take things personally, ESPECIALLY anonymous comments on the internet.
You are loved.
Because of your work, I know who I am, and I like who I am.
Thank you! Keep making a difference!
Sorry to hear about your distress at reading some awful and very irrelevant comments after the video you posted. My respect for you as a person has sky-rocketed (if that was possible) because in reading your post here I can sense your honesty and vulnerability and take strength in it. When I first saw your talk on TED about shame I was moved because as a 20 year old female I could identify with it immediately. As a sportswoman I spend almost 5 hours a day training and it wasn't until you described the beauty in being vulnerable that I decided to reach out to my family and friends and say that I was lonely. My sport allowed me to bottle up this emotion and invest my time on becoming a 'better athlete' but not a better version of me. I felt a lot of shame in being lonely and at the same time an undeserved feeling of having someone. Your words have motivated me to open up and acknowledge my emotions and from that grow as a person. If you receive 1 'thank you' message amongst 10 'get lost' messages please read this one because you've made a difference:)
Thanks,
Niamh
I am so sad that you are experiencing this. I know it doesn't help to remember that people who would hurl pain at a perfect stranger are in tremendous pain themselves, but yeah, there's that...
I know you know this about being strong, but it includes being weak. We aren't one or the other; we're both, all at the same time.
Which is why yes, choose to walk where the light is. Choose to avoid putting yourself into places where darkness is doing its level best to speak only to your weakness, to suck you in. The gift you give to all of us is your ability to open the space for others to step into when they are ready. And in those dark places, they're not ready - their own pain hurts too much to open up. What is encouragement to the rest of us is a challenge to the rigidity that is keeping their lives just barely bearable.
Thank you for all you are. Go for a walk and breathe deep. And know that we are all breathing that same breath with you.
Hildy Gottlieb
It was a great post. ignore the haters, you are awesome
Here are 7 suggestions for dealing with online haters. Thought it may help...
http://mashable.com/2010/04/29/deal-with-haters-tim-ferriss/
The Botox comment is obviously gendered. Over at Making Light they're having a conversation about even more obviously misogynist online "conversations" and the harm they do. As so often on Making Light, it's a long thread but enlightening.
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/013769.html
Those comments are bs and intellectually we know it (because who appointed kinderlove -- irony much? -- as the arbiter of appearance norms? And what are those anyway but what we carry in our own heads, with some collision with the outside world and what we pick up there?) It's clear that people bring their own anger and deep dissatisfaction in life to these unnecessary and unfounded attacks on others. But it doesn't take away the impact of mean and abusive words that no one should have to tolerate, especially, you'd think, when you're trying to put such good and helpful things out into the world.
I hope it's okay to link a post here. It's not mine, but I read it on BlogHer the other day and was floored.
http://www.blogher.com/getting-past-appearance-snarking-or-my-crooked-teeth-made-stranger-puke
As I shared with the author, I have a facial difference, and am quite sure that if my image went out into the wider world, I would be skewered, and I honestly don't know how I could handle it. But when the alternative is shutting up and down and not sharing? I hope I don't let that fear get the best of me. I do like your idea of crafting the spaces where we feel safer or like our message may be honored more. I have to think now about how I may have done that subconsciously and if it's where I'm meant to hang out.
(Growth/learning experience or not, I'm sorry you had to tolerate this today.)
Close your eyes, take a really deep breath, and exhale.
Now think about all of us who are so grateful for your hard work, your honesty, and your generosity. It takes a LOT to share as much as you do, and I promise I will never take it for granted.
You are loved. And deeply respected.
I'm guessing that kinderlove has some truly awful shame and insecurity demons hidden inside. I can only hope that they will someday find the strength to face them and begin to love themselves.
Remember that for every single kinderlove, there are likely thousands of people who not only "get" you, but also learned to love, defend & "get" themselves, because of you.
Take good care Brene.
Virtual hugs -
Cathy
Best wishes,
Casey
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." — Buddha
It is a statement and a cautionary tale. Make your own world, as those who chose to attack others have made their own — yours will be much more pleasant.
-Sonia
But then again, you are showing deep accountability to your work and that, to me, is most impressive and inspiring. Stay vulnerable, authentic, and courageous!!
Angie Parker, Atlanta, Georgia
I think your decision to stop contributing to those venues is perfectly okay. Stay strong Brene! Your words and message are amazing and true.
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." ~ e. e. cummings
But don't cry because of the words which were said. You are beautiful and your contributions to society makes you even more so.
My personal philosophy is that everyone has a story and that each person's path to this point in life has them reacting in a way that reflects this path. I do think that true cruelty is rare, and that these kinds of comments are instead a reflection of others' own demons and how they are manifest. The perceived anonymity of the Internet can allow people to react in ways that they would never do so in person. Almost as if the sorts of catty things we might catch ourselves thinking from time to time in a moment of frustration or fear or insecurity or, heck, crankiness can momentarily bypass the filters and go straight from silly, hurtful thought that no one would ever hear to silly, hurtful post for the world to see and for the target to bear while the author rides off in forgetful anonymity. There seems to be no filter for some people for whether something might hurt another human being on the web and that always makes me sad.
That being said, I should stress that I do NOT condone this sort of behaviour, and could never imagine a world in which I could begin to behave that way. I'm not perfect. I get cranky. I get jealous. But I have solid filters and I strive to contribute to other's lives in meaningful ways. Our responsibility as citizens and human beings is to cultivate those filters and to remember that we all have our stories and to stop and spend a moment trying to imagine ourselves in the other's shoes. To take a moment to see what you, Brene, have given, and your own show of vulnerability and how you have taken risks should give anyone pause, and to celebrate that. You are lovely and imperfect and wonderful and have shown me, at least, a different perspective on vulnerability that has given me pause-- especially as an ambitious, driven women who has herself struggled with vulnerability and who prior to see your TED talk thought of it as a dirty word. :)
But I'm only human, and I think most of us would have felt that comment just as deeply. I think we are all entitled to feel and internalize and process these kinds of things, but the true measure of success is that we do not let them define us and that instead we stay true to our course and our vision and carry on. So when the tears dry you will still be the awesome you.
Hoping you are feeling better, and thanks for always being brave, vulnerable YOU.
Love bears fruit, and gives life and energy to someone else. Clearly, kinderlove thought she could outsmart you and take some of your power away. Did she succeed?
I believe in your ability. I've followed your blog for years. I hurt for you that you were crying over this, and I wish you peace and love, so you can find a place of healing. Only remember those who matter. The rest are just not worth the time or energy. xo
I am also grateful for your using the hurt to develop and share further insights into the subtle but important differences between caring what others think about us and allowing others to define us, and between being open to feedback vs. remaining open to channels through which cruelty has flowed.
I'm reminded of Kathy Sierra's awful experience a few years ago, effectively captured in Joan Walsh's insightful Salon commentary on Men Who Hate Women on the Web ( http://www.salon.com/2007/03/31/sierra/ ). The online attacks on Kathy involved more violent words (and imagery), and she chose to withdraw from blogging, an action I understand, but which saddened me, as she was my favorite blogger ( http://creatingpassionateusers.typepad.com/ ).
I am glad that in response to what might be construed as an example of Women Who Hate Women on the Web, you are choosing to implement appropriate safeguards rather than withdrawing completely.
I think it is the difference between “responding and reacting”. I think it is a “reaction” to say you will never do something like this again. It is fear, very understandable fear, but fear none the less. I have read your books and I believe you are on to something special. You have helped me in my life and will continue to help many more people. Clearly someone who calls themselves “kinderlove” and publishes something like that is exactly who needs to hear your message. It does not make your message or the venue wrong; I think it just means they still have a long way to go.
Responding would be to go take a walk, spend time with your family and put it in your Higher Power’s hands. It is none of your business what anyone thinks of you are what they were trying to accomplish. That person or persons do not change who you are or your work. Give yourself the time away from this situation to see that for yourself.
Much love
When they do this I feel genuinely sorry for them. I know what it's like to feel angry or hurt and I know that sometimes I want to lash out. Fortunately, I am able to channel that in ways that don't hurt other people. And, fortunately, I can follow a discussion, understand it and (I hope) comment appropriately. If I couldn't do that AND I felt hurt or angry, would I be one of these people who needs to hurt others to feel self worth?
Your work is beautifully provocative. It cuts right through those barriers we think are protecting us but are actually stifling us. If some people's barriers are so desperately important to them, and their self image is so fragile that this kind of challenge is unacceptable to them, they're dealing with their own torments. However hurtful their comments, their own shallow concerns are something I feel genuine pity for.
I am so sorry that people have been so unkind and for whatever reason, needed to share that. I cannot begin to tell you how much your work has helped me. I'm a writer, and my first book is coming out soon, and I'm terrified! I am full of the "who do you think you are" gremlins. You have helped SO many people!
My oldest son is a recovering heroin addict. Doing really well with 4 1/2 years clean and sober. I passed your TED talks on to him, and he has passed it on to all the young men he sponsors. Your work is reaching and helping people from all walks of life. Don't ever stop.
And one last thing? My best friend and I, who loves your talks and books as well, were both saying the other day how beautiful you are. So Take that kinderlove! (who by the way, needs a new handle - there's nothing kind OR loving about that person) You are incredible.
Thank you!!!
-Hey, wanna go to disneyland (insert your own cool place here), and have an amazing time. (invitation for super fun adventure)
-No, you are too ugly.
-I am not sure how a wonderful, rich, super fun adventure and how I look relate. I don't plan on a staring contest...just come have fun.
-Not until you comb you hair.
-Ok, done, lets go.
-Not until you wash your face and put on lip sitck.
-Done.
-Wear sandals and perfume.
-Done.
-I still can't go.
It's almost like when you have a really cool invitation for folks, where they have to climb their own wall of fear, they have to pull out the *biggest, baddest* insult they can to avoid their own wall.
I for one (though I have never met you), love and appreciate what you do, who you are, and how those invite me to sit down in the home of my own soul. Thank you.
While we each are our own subject matter expert I hope you will find what I have to say in someway helpful.
When I went through my divorce I thought I was so together But alas.... I would tell the grocery store clerk "You would not believe what my minister husband did......"
When my daughter was in Middle School (such a mean girl time) she would come home crying. While not one to tell a young teen to use "less than splendid" language I told her to say ___ to herself.
I knew I had healed when I no longer cared what my former husband said or thought.
I try to take the hurt and turn it into a firece determination and say to myself "I'll show you." When I can say I'll show you it fuels my determination and makes me feel strong and mighty.
If you not longer participate in TED and NPR then THEY will win and WE will lose.
I bet that really mean comment was made by some teenager who has nothing else to do but be mean.
Please don't let the minority win~then we all lose.
Keeping you in the Light.
Lisa
And thank you for being so open about the hurt these comments cause. I wonder if people like "kinderlove" (SO mis-named!) understand the pain that they cause with their thoughtlessness. I wonder, if they could be more vulnerable about their own pain, their loneliness and yearning for attention, perhaps their own self-image issues, would they get more positive attention and support from which all could benefit.
I know you're a busy woman, and I don't know if you'll even make it to my little comment in the list, but you are not alone. I was actually featured on CNN in 2010
( http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/04/21/parents.disabilities/index.html?iref=allsearch ) because I am disabled and care for my son with my feet. Many of the commenters were kind and sweet, but several were discussing whether I was on food stamps and accusing me of stealing from the government, etc. Since then, I have become a public speaker and am finalizing the details of a book contract (my autobiography). It is unspeakably hard knowing that people are so ready to get online and unleash on you! Your work has inspired and encouraged me in ways you'll never know. Learning to be vulnerable has changed my life, and since I've started reading/listening to what you have to say, I've felt like, "Hey! Someone gets it!"
How sad that certain media outlets have become nothing but a place to peck each other to death. It is a shame, but I don't blame you for taking your work elsewhere. Speak where people listen.
Just wanted you to hear my little story since it's similar... most of the nasty comments were removed long ago (I think my parents were stalking the page). But believe me when I say that you're not alone, and you give me courage to keep doing what I do.
Blessings on you.
Sarah Kovac