a world worthy of its children

Jeune Fille Endormie by Pablo Picasso (1935)

In Daring Greatly, I share what I've learned about one of the greatest dares of all - parenting. I write about the challenges of wholehearted parenting in a scarcity culture and why what we teach our children is important, but not nearly as important as who we are. The real challenge of wholehearted parenting is to be the adults that we want our children to grow up to be.

I came across this quote from Picasso and thought, "This is exactly what we need to create . . . a world (families, schools, culture) worthy of our children.

“Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children?

We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France.

When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them:

Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique.

In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.

You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel?

You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.” 
- Pablo Picasso

Comments

[Hawra]

This is so true........in the rat race, even if we claim not to be part of the rat race, in the daily motions of life we forget how Marvelous life really is and how much potential is lost in that forgetfulness.
To me that sense of wonder is literally the single most imprtant message i want my children to learn from me.

[Teri L Hooper]

Tao-Centered Schools is very much about Tao-Centered parenting as well. I believe it is in alignment with what you are talking about here. If anyone is interested, the book is available at Amazon.

[Julie Brown Casey]

This is a powerful quote from Picasso, and your words are equally strong: "What we teach our children is important, but not as important as who we are."

I find that it's easy to believe and easy to tell my children that they are unique marvels, but nearly impossible to believe that I myself am one, too. If I don't act like I am worthy of that kind of love, if I don't believe that I myself have the capacity for great things, then how can I expect my children to truly believe that of themselves?

Thank you for the work that you do, and I can't wait to get Daring Greatly into my hands, head, and heart. I have a feeling it will bring the same kind of healing and insight that "Gifts of Imperfection" did.

[Joanne Minaker]

I love Picasso's point about human beings' capacity for anything. Children are open possibilities. They are both full (of wonder, curiosity, love) and open to more at the same time. How we demonstrate our being in the world more heavily influences who and what they become than explicit life lessons we try to teach them.

If we care for, about, and with children, they are more likely to becoming caring and empathetic.

Love your writing and speaking, Brene! Can't wait to read Daring Greatly. I am writing a book dealing with similar themes around connection. I post related thoughts and experiences on twitter @JoanneMinaker

[Shannon Ossinger, B.Ed.]

Thank you for this.

This is incredibly insightful. As a teacher and a mom, I try to do this.... In a moment of vulnerability, I might add, though, that it is a terrifying proposition. Your work amazes, inspires and yet frightens me. How will I ever be good enough to give my child and the children I teach the sense that "this is how you should turn out?"
Scary, yet the very thing that is pushing me to get my Masters of Counselling.
Write on, Brené. Write on!
Shannon

[Missy]

This is why I want to work on my EdD to try to reform education and stop all the testing and data tracking madness.

[jane]

I love what you wrote, except for the hypocrisy of Picasso's words. He was a malignant narcissist if ever there was one, and did not practice the parenting ethos of which he wrote.

[John]

One must always be careful with some of this, even Picasso needed to be careful!! He falls into the trap of taking these these "marvels", these "unique" ones, the one who "never [has there] been another like you" and then says, "you may be another...." and names people to be copied, as great as they may be! We have turned the unique one into a copy of another. For example, saying to one, "you should be like your sister," is not recieved well, and so, "you should be like Shakespeare, should also be rejected.

In reality, we can't be "anything." As stated, we have to be who we are. That is the hard work we face, isn't it? "When will we teach them who they are?" is the question. But Shakespeare, Beethoven and other models, were who they were supposed to be, and our children are to become who they are, not who someone else was.

What if, in a tenth grade English class, someone turned in one of Shakespeare's sonnets as their own work. When they are given the "Zero" they deserve, their defense could be, "I am another Shakespeare." No, they cannot be Shakespeare or anything they choose. They have to be unique.

The concluding words of not hurting other marvels is quite a calling for a life of love and peace and respect and engagement. Sadly, by the fifth grade, we are already tired of some of these unique ones. We want them in someone else's class or more tragic, someone else's family.

Loving, respecting, engaging unique marvels is the greatest work and the hardest work. No one else is the model to follow. They trully are unique marvels and every day is worth the cost of the discovery, defining and refining.

[Cathy]

For me, one of the greatest lies that can be told is that "you have the capacity for anything" or similar, "you can be anything you want to be". This may have, and still may work for some, but reality kicks in and the gap between what is possible and what actually happens can be enormous - then your self esteem falls into that gap - so a balance between possibility - reality - acceptance is soon important.

[Darcey Jane]

I love your quote "what we teach our children is important, but not nearly as important as who we are." and what i strive to live by daily despite an innate need to always 'teach them a lesson' like an eternal lecturer. best thing i've done is be able to apologise when i get it wrong (frequently).

[Suzanne]

Boy. As a teacher of high schoolers, this is a toughy for me. Most of the students already believe they are "marvels," destined for "genius" and "perfect in their own ways." They are told from infancy on that they are special and unique and wonderful just the way they are. It has actually damaged their abilities to be resilient, to work hard, to fail appropriately, to accept caring criticism. Their self-esteem is fragile, based upon words rather than deeds and achievements. Children need far more than praise -- they need honest mentoring. Creating a world "worthy of our children" also means creating a world of responsible, respected adults.

[John Wernecke]

I appreciate your work and honesty. Being wholehearted is so important and I know how difficult it is to live honestly when it is so hard for us to know everything. As I read this quote I was inspired to continue to make this world worthy of our children and the uniqueness with which we were created. But who really said these words? Was it Pablo Picasso or Pablo Casals? Are these two the same people or different? The words are attributed to them both on a couple of web sites I checked. I know how easy it is for mis communication to happen when we least intend it. Is there any one who can find the original source document? Thanks for your work and your ability to articulate the challenge of living even when we are not perfect.

[Joanna Rusher]

perfect timing. i used it this morning. i told my 17 daughter as i was dropping her off to school, that she is Unique and a Marvel. As I looked into her eyes, i saw her inner light glowing a wee bit brighter. And that, that made my day.
so thank you for giving me the right words to use.
thank you, you too are unique and quite a marvel!

[Lo]

Love this quote. Rings so true.

[Marcella]

A beautiful quote, and thanks for sharing. I think the beauty isn't just in the Mozart- and Beethoven-like productions, but also in the every day giving and loving that is difficult in and of itself. Being "uncool" in each person's marvelous way — now that is worth teaching.

Looking forward to the webinar tomorrow!

[ZP]

I would like to echo Suzanne. I was fed the "You are special and you can do anything" line. And yes, it helped me succeed in the conventional way -- I'm 25 and about to start the 3rd year of my PhD -- but it also held me back emotionally and kept me from really accepting myself (still does!). I often feel that I would gladly trade some of my "success" for a stronger sense of self. Whether it is meant that way or not, "You are special and you can do anything" can be interpreted as "You must be really good at some really important thing." The perfectionism that kind of attitude bred in me is one that I'm now in counseling to try to train myself out of (and, incidentally, what led me to your work). The people I really admire are those who set reasonable goals in their lives and are happy with how they fit in the world -- and that doesn't mean they're standing still! In fact, it seems to me that it's only once you accept who you are and how you fit in the world that you can begin to change those things.

[Darlene]

Hi Brené

I was at WDS in Portland a week and a half ago and was highly impacted by your talk, especially the part about how unused creativity is not benign. I'm a photographer and photography teacher so what hit me is that I offer a solution to that problem! I help people find their creativity and express it. It was a big aha moment for me and helps me to understand that what I do (teaching photography) seems a bit trivial and non-important in the grand scheme of life - but it is actually quite important. So thank you for that, you've give me self importance where I was lacking it.

I was actually looking for quotes by you on this topic today and found one by Picasso and thought how apropos that I share it here now:

“Every child is an artist, the problem is staying an artist when you grow up” – Pablo Picasso

Do you have any other great tid bits on creativity? I'm trying to sum up my feelings on this subject in a blog post and would love to quote you. Thanks!

[Jennifer]

This is great! And oh so important. I love the breadth of comments these posts always draw as well -- so thoughtful and constructive! I usually gain as much out of reading them as I do the original post.
I especially like what Julie Brown Casey pointed out about the importance (and difficulty!) of directing these same words towards ourselves. We're all just big children after all.
DOING something is so much more difficult -- but a thousand times more effective and rewarding -- than merely TALKING about it.

"Tell me and I forget; Show me and I remember; Involve me and I understand."

[lea]

I really enjoy your work, but my understanding is that this is a quote from the cellist Pablo Casals.

[Robyn]

When my children were young, this is how I raised them. Some days they believed me and other days they didn't but they always knew I believed in them and not to take any day for granted. They have turned out to be wonderful, caring, loving adults. It works.

[Vanessa Hoyes]

I host a womens community called How Beautiful Is on the Gold Coast, Australia. You have inspired me for a few years with your authenticity and courage. I have four young daughters of my own - so i am very in the GIRL WORLD!
I am hosting an inaugural conference called How Beautiful Is in September and i really felt to theme it Daring Greatly. Within a month of its launch i find out you are writing a book called Daring Greatly. I love that! I love that the voice God is using across the world is speaking the same dialogue. It encouraged me so much to know that i was hearing the same download from heaven as someone who i admire like yourself!
May women all over the world continue to lend their voice to one another to this sound arising around the world… The sound is of freedom to be powerfully me, authenticity of heart, collaboration of minds & liberation of spirit! With deepest respect to you, Vanessa Hoyes x

[Wendy Macdonald]

I just began your book, "The Gifts of Imperfection". The line that jumped off the page for me to hold and contemplate is: "It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have." How powerful! As a mom with 3 teens; I intend to keep reading.
This is my first visit to your blog and it is providential that you would be speaking about parenting... Looks like I know what my next read will be - "Daring Greatly". Thank you for your healthy and refreshing voice. ~Wendy

[Mary]

Love this quote - whoever wrote it! My daughter is my number one inspiration for being a better person every day.

Responding to Suzanne - I think that my favorite part of this quote is near the end:
" And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel?"

Perhaps the key is teaching that I am worthy, you are worthy, and so is everyone else. Here's to yo and all other teachers who mindfully pass on these kind of important lessons in addition to the curriculum. :)

[The Writing Goddess]

I agree with the sentiments, but there's nothing exclusive about the idea that you can teach children that Paris is the capital of France, and two plus two makes four, AND teach them that were are marvelous, unique creatures. And if they're gonna live in the real world, the two + two thing comes in real handy when balancing your checkbook or pricing your work, just sayin'.

[Kara]

My curiosity got to me so I searched also regarding Pablo Casals and Pablo Picasso. Both men are given credit and both men died in 1973 coincidentally. The deeper I went the more convinced I've become that the quote is actually from Pablo Casals the cellist and very likely from an out of print book "Joys and Sorrows: Reflections by Pablo Casals" I appreciate your work and the inspiration you are offering us "to make the world worthy of its children" I guess one of the ways I do that is by following my curiosity and looking deeper into all the inspiring quotes that come by via the internet. I can see why you would have seen this quote from Picasso so this isn't a criticism of you using it here. Yet it does raise the issue for me - I ponder what does it show our children if we do not care about the accuracy of who said or wrote anything that speaks to us. If we as society are so quick to pass along inspiring words without really caring about the marvelous people who said them - then could we still be communicating an unconscious message to our children that who they are does not matter only what they say (and btw it better be unique and brilliant)?

[sleeplessinsummerville]

I wish there were a button to "like" people's comments! There are many good and thoughtful comments above my own. This reminds me of an article I was just reading in the New Yorker (I'm way behind on my reading) where someone was talking about yet another book on how American parents are screwing up our children and how very stupid we must all be because look at this or that indigenous society and how well-behaved and productive their children are compared to American children. But American children are separated from their parents all day by school and by their parents' work responsibilities and many parents don't know how to or don't feel competent to teach their children life skills, let alone how to really find out who they are and love themselves for it... How long has our society been calling us (parents) stupid? Has it helped yet? I am looking forward to reading "Daring Greatly" but I must point out that at no time while I was reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" did I realize that was I was reading was NOT a parenting book :)

[nancy]

Rather than to tell our children who or what they are, it matters most to love our children for who they are and that involves letting them become who they are. Our culture takes from children their wonder and creativity and sense of themselves and relationship to others and walls it into structure, convention, goals, measurement, judgment. Our culture dehumanizes children and teaches them to become performers, just as we were likewise taught. When we take back the freedom to be true to ourselves, we will also be true to our children. Then we will love our children without fear and within that love, they will learn to love both themselves and others.

[Meg L]

I have been away (and unplugged) for 10 days and while just catching up found this post. First, I love the quote. Second, how aprapo in light of last week's tragedy. Third, thank you for always giving me so much to think about.

[Electra]

Brene,
I was fortunate enough to experience both your talks at WDS and you were *highlight* of the weekend! I think ultimately raising my children is a catalyst for BECOMING my most wholehearted self. They have expanded my heart (and my patience!) in unimaginable ways. They are great mirrors for what I'm doing right & what I need to work on!
I'm grateful for the work you do, and I'm so tickled you said yes to having my little GratitudeDude decals and manifesto be passed out at your second talk.
Keep "doin' you" cause the world needs to hear your message!
Big love,
Electra (probably the lone WDS attendee from South Carolina~ bless my heart!)