I'm a little obsessed with Supergirl.
Entries by Brené Brown (76)
blogging for change!
What happens when 60 amazing graduate social work students get together to study shame, explore compassion, spread hope, and learn how to blog for social change? More than I ever could have imagined.
During our summer course, the students formed groups based on their interests and each group had two weeks to create and launch a blog that included components on shame resilience, social justice, and education. Fewer than 10 of the students had any blogging experience and 2/3 of the students had never even seen a blog. These wise and wonderful groups blew my mind! Some of the blogs were developed for helping professionals, others are more targeted to the public. Check them out by topic!
Heart & Hope - Terminal Illness
For an extra credit project, students created over 200 hope notes and seed bombs. They spread the love all over Houston. Here's a video of the kind and generous students from our summer class!
Brené Brown
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Printblog series - understanding shame
Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 1 - Track 4 (Post #5) When the walls around my world start to shake and the ground below me begins to shift and give way, I get anxious. The combination of shaking and shifting can only mean that one of two things is getting ready to land: change or clarity. They are both good (for the most part), but strange emotional rumbling and little pieces of foreboding anxiety always accompany them.
After three months of rumbling, foreboding, and shaking, I think I finally get it. And, it’s huge. Clarity has arrived. She sent her sentries to stand guard while I unknowingly prepared, then she arrived and I was somehow ready.
The preparation started in February when a woman asked me why I studied a dark, terrible topic like shame. It got weird in March, when I stood in front of 100+ people and, rather than delivering my standard shame lecture, I gave a total shoot-from-the-hip talk on the importance of love – an indefinable, touchy-feely word I vowed to never use in my work. It escalated in April when I gave my parenting lecture in Houston (the one that I was so terrified to do that I actually considered faking a car wreck).
It got downright freaky in May when an amazing woman from my book club offered to analyze my hand and I said yes (totally unlike researcher-skeptic me). I cried the entire time, especially when she told me that my life purpose was love and that my life challenge is to live a life of emotional vulnerability and honesty. Finally, it all started to fall into place in June, when I launched this parenting series and taught an intensive summer course on shame resilience with 60 amazing graduate students (more to come on this).
I never intended to be a shame researcher. It just happened to me. I set out to study connection and I bumped into this dark, terrible emotion that unraveled connection faster and more violently than anything I’d ever seen. I learned that the emotion was shame and made a quick detour to study it for a couple of weeks. There wasn’t much information so I decided to stick around and do some digging.
I committed to staying long enough to get my head and heart around it. Eight years (and one breakdown/spiritual awakening) later, here I am. I get it. I know it in my head, I feel it in my heart, and, I can honestly say that I have a deep, soulful understanding of this universal emotion called shame. It is part of me. The hundreds upon hundreds of stories that people shared with me are resting comfortably in my bones.
But still the question: Why me? I’ve spent countless hours trying to understand my purpose. Why have I developed this intimate understanding of shame? What do I do with it? I’ve said it out loud in prayer: “No one likes this topic. No one wants to hear about this. Can’t I be here to know something easier? More likeable? Happier? At the least, can I have some gifts that are less revolting to people?”
Enter clarity.
I’m starting to understand that my work with shame has really been preparing me for the work that I’ll do around the ten guideposts that we’re exploring in this parenting series. I don’t think you can really understand loving-kindness, perfectionism, self-compassion, the sacredness of spirit, forgiveness, or any of these other guideposts without exploring shame. Shame plays two tapes in our heads: “never good enough” and “what will people think.” These are the messages that crush self-compassion and loving-kindness, fuel perfectionism, and move us away from authenticity.
I’ve never said anything like this before, but I truly believe that we’ll never fully know the light until we’ve walked through the darkness. We’ll never know courage until we explore our fears. We won’t find compassion without knowing why we blame, judge and rage. Until we venture into the dark, we’ll stay so afraid of disconnection that we won’t risk actually becoming connected.
Carl Jung wrote, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. This procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not very popular.”
This is my work and I can honestly say that I’ve come to love it.
The parenting CD has two tracks dedicated to shame resilience and parenting: CD1, track 5 (41 minutes) and CD2, track 7 (30 minutes that I recorded at the studio based on questions I received from the audience). Rather than transcribing what’s there, I’m posting a segment from the Connections Curriculum DVD (this is part of a teaching tool that comes with a psychoeducational curriculum for mental health professionals). There is 3-part interview series from PBS here and an op/ed on shame here. If you're interested in learning more about the definition of shame and the critical differences between shame and guilt, there is another clip from Connections curriculum here. If you want more specifics about shame (stories, examples, etc.), I suggest the book. If you want more parenting-specific information, that’s on the CD.
After three months of rumbling, foreboding, and shaking, I think I finally get it. And, it’s huge. Clarity has arrived. She sent her sentries to stand guard while I unknowingly prepared, then she arrived and I was somehow ready.
The preparation started in February when a woman asked me why I studied a dark, terrible topic like shame. It got weird in March, when I stood in front of 100+ people and, rather than delivering my standard shame lecture, I gave a total shoot-from-the-hip talk on the importance of love – an indefinable, touchy-feely word I vowed to never use in my work. It escalated in April when I gave my parenting lecture in Houston (the one that I was so terrified to do that I actually considered faking a car wreck).
It got downright freaky in May when an amazing woman from my book club offered to analyze my hand and I said yes (totally unlike researcher-skeptic me). I cried the entire time, especially when she told me that my life purpose was love and that my life challenge is to live a life of emotional vulnerability and honesty. Finally, it all started to fall into place in June, when I launched this parenting series and taught an intensive summer course on shame resilience with 60 amazing graduate students (more to come on this).
I never intended to be a shame researcher. It just happened to me. I set out to study connection and I bumped into this dark, terrible emotion that unraveled connection faster and more violently than anything I’d ever seen. I learned that the emotion was shame and made a quick detour to study it for a couple of weeks. There wasn’t much information so I decided to stick around and do some digging.
I committed to staying long enough to get my head and heart around it. Eight years (and one breakdown/spiritual awakening) later, here I am. I get it. I know it in my head, I feel it in my heart, and, I can honestly say that I have a deep, soulful understanding of this universal emotion called shame. It is part of me. The hundreds upon hundreds of stories that people shared with me are resting comfortably in my bones.
But still the question: Why me? I’ve spent countless hours trying to understand my purpose. Why have I developed this intimate understanding of shame? What do I do with it? I’ve said it out loud in prayer: “No one likes this topic. No one wants to hear about this. Can’t I be here to know something easier? More likeable? Happier? At the least, can I have some gifts that are less revolting to people?”
Enter clarity.
I’m starting to understand that my work with shame has really been preparing me for the work that I’ll do around the ten guideposts that we’re exploring in this parenting series. I don’t think you can really understand loving-kindness, perfectionism, self-compassion, the sacredness of spirit, forgiveness, or any of these other guideposts without exploring shame. Shame plays two tapes in our heads: “never good enough” and “what will people think.” These are the messages that crush self-compassion and loving-kindness, fuel perfectionism, and move us away from authenticity.
I’ve never said anything like this before, but I truly believe that we’ll never fully know the light until we’ve walked through the darkness. We’ll never know courage until we explore our fears. We won’t find compassion without knowing why we blame, judge and rage. Until we venture into the dark, we’ll stay so afraid of disconnection that we won’t risk actually becoming connected.
Carl Jung wrote, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. This procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not very popular.”
This is my work and I can honestly say that I’ve come to love it.
The parenting CD has two tracks dedicated to shame resilience and parenting: CD1, track 5 (41 minutes) and CD2, track 7 (30 minutes that I recorded at the studio based on questions I received from the audience). Rather than transcribing what’s there, I’m posting a segment from the Connections Curriculum DVD (this is part of a teaching tool that comes with a psychoeducational curriculum for mental health professionals). There is 3-part interview series from PBS here and an op/ed on shame here. If you're interested in learning more about the definition of shame and the critical differences between shame and guilt, there is another clip from Connections curriculum here. If you want more specifics about shame (stories, examples, etc.), I suggest the book. If you want more parenting-specific information, that’s on the CD.
Shame Resilience and Parenting Strategies
Once we have a solid understanding of shame and how it operates in our own lives, there are three concrete strategies that will make a significant difference in our children’s level of shame resilience.
#1 – Shame is universal – we all have it. We are also all capable of using it with our children. We are the most vulnerable to shaming our children when we are feeling inadequate and judged. We need to understand our own vulnerabilities to shame – what are our triggers? Shame feels intensely personal, but it is a social emotion. It grows in families. We can’t pull our kids out of shame if we’re sinking in it.
#2 - Parent from an understanding of the differences between shame and guilt. Based on the research that I discuss on the CD, I think it’s safe to say that we would all like our children to use guilt self-talk, rather than shame self-talk. It’s just not easy to focus on behaviors rather than people, especially if we were raised with the belief that shaming is a good way to change behavior or that shame is a helpful moral compass.
It’s hard to hear that parenting is the greatest predictor of shame or guilt proneness in children (will they say, “I’m bad” or “That was a bad decision”). It feels like a lot of pressure, but it’s also a tremendous opportunity.
#3 – 85% of the men and women interviewed remembered a shame experience in school or sports that has had a tremendous impact on them as adults. The vast majority said it “changed their lives” or “charted a course for the rest of their lives.” As parents, we don’t have control over all of these moments; however, we do have significant influence over the impact of these experiences. If we raise our children with shame resilience, it is less likely that these experiences will become “defining moments.” (This is why I went back and recorded the additional track on the four elements of shame resilience).
I like to use the album metaphor. If a child is shamed at school and has enough resilience to talk about it, we essentially take that snapshot, crop it down, and stick it in an album that is full of offsetting positive experiences. If there is no open discussions of shame in our homes, and a child is literally too ashamed to even discuss it with a parent, the experience is filed into their album as a whopping 8X10 and there are no other photos to balance it out.
If you have strategies and/or struggles that you’d like to share, I think we can all learn something from your experiences and questions! Sharing our stories and ideas is essential to shame resilience.
Once we have a solid understanding of shame and how it operates in our own lives, there are three concrete strategies that will make a significant difference in our children’s level of shame resilience.
#1 – Shame is universal – we all have it. We are also all capable of using it with our children. We are the most vulnerable to shaming our children when we are feeling inadequate and judged. We need to understand our own vulnerabilities to shame – what are our triggers? Shame feels intensely personal, but it is a social emotion. It grows in families. We can’t pull our kids out of shame if we’re sinking in it.
#2 - Parent from an understanding of the differences between shame and guilt. Based on the research that I discuss on the CD, I think it’s safe to say that we would all like our children to use guilt self-talk, rather than shame self-talk. It’s just not easy to focus on behaviors rather than people, especially if we were raised with the belief that shaming is a good way to change behavior or that shame is a helpful moral compass.
It’s hard to hear that parenting is the greatest predictor of shame or guilt proneness in children (will they say, “I’m bad” or “That was a bad decision”). It feels like a lot of pressure, but it’s also a tremendous opportunity.
#3 – 85% of the men and women interviewed remembered a shame experience in school or sports that has had a tremendous impact on them as adults. The vast majority said it “changed their lives” or “charted a course for the rest of their lives.” As parents, we don’t have control over all of these moments; however, we do have significant influence over the impact of these experiences. If we raise our children with shame resilience, it is less likely that these experiences will become “defining moments.” (This is why I went back and recorded the additional track on the four elements of shame resilience).
I like to use the album metaphor. If a child is shamed at school and has enough resilience to talk about it, we essentially take that snapshot, crop it down, and stick it in an album that is full of offsetting positive experiences. If there is no open discussions of shame in our homes, and a child is literally too ashamed to even discuss it with a parent, the experience is filed into their album as a whopping 8X10 and there are no other photos to balance it out.
If you have strategies and/or struggles that you’d like to share, I think we can all learn something from your experiences and questions! Sharing our stories and ideas is essential to shame resilience.
the texas riviera
We're back from another wonderful Port Aransas getaway! I brought my camera to capture some of the highlights! Here's my trademark side-view mirror self-portrait. "Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear."
There was lots of swimmin' . . .
Lots of lovin' - these are my sisters Ashley and Barrett (yes, they're twins). Ashley is kissing on her daughter Amaya and Barrett is snuggling with Ellen.
There was some cajun dancin'
and the game playin' was all about Kanoodle. The kids (and grown-ups) loved it! Ashley bought one game for everyone. Even Charlie got in on the action.
Also along for the fun - my dad, Molly, Frankie (Barrett's husband) and Steve. MIA - my brother Jason and his wife Audrey who live in San Francisco. The guys fished from 4:45am until noon (when they hit their limits) on Saturday. We had a local restaurant fry and blacken the trout they caught - it was amazing!
Normally, unpacking from a Port A trip is nightmarish because of the sand, sunscreen and grit embedded in our clothes. This time, things are way different! Our 15 year-old washer and dryer finally bit the dust last week and we bought the new LG frontloader washer and the companion dryer that whistles a sweet little Cinderella tune when it's done.
For most families, this would not be cause for celebration. We, however, are completely delighted and enchanted. I'm not too proud to tell you that Ellen and Charlie (and I) like to sit in the utility room in the dark and watch with flashlights. Art, function, and entertainment - it don't get no better than that!
I just love summer. And dirty laundry.
love thursday
Steve: I'm leaving to get breakfast tacos. Charlie, would you like a taco?
Charlie: No. I full.
Steve: You sure?
Charlie: NO TACO!
Steve returns from taco joint.
Charlie: Yummy. You get Charlie cho-wee-zo and egg?
Steve: No, Charlie. You told daddy that you weren't hungry.
Charlie: That's OK. I eat dada's taco. Up. Up. UP!
blog series - embracing imperfection
Imperfect Parenting Blog Series CD 1 - Track 3 (Post #4)
I just sat down to listen to the CD one more time before beginning this post. Big mistake. If listening to my own voice wasn’t bad enough, about 2 seconds in to the track on perfectionism, I gasped and practically snorted Diet Coke out of my nose. For those of you not listening to the CD, I basically start the section by saying, “Perfectionism. Tough.” Then there is silence – like I’m done.
What it lacks in insight, it makes up for in honesty.
I’ve learned three things about perfectionism that have turned my world upside down. It’s kind of lonely standing on my head in this upside down world – won’t you join me?
What it lacks in insight, it makes up for in honesty.
I’ve learned three things about perfectionism that have turned my world upside down. It’s kind of lonely standing on my head in this upside down world – won’t you join me?
#1 Perfectionism is NOT about striving to be your best. It’s NOT about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we’ll escape the pain of criticism, ridicule, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
#2 Perfectionism is not “focusing on the best we can be.” Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and connection. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports, etc.). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. PLEASE. PERFORM. PERFECT. Healthy striving is self-focused, perfectionism is really “other-focused” – “what will they think?”
#3 Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is key to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism doesn’t lead to success. It’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis includes all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.
I don’t think some people are perfectionists and others are not. I think perfectionism is on a continuum. We all have some perfectionistic tendencies. For some, perfectionism may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. For others, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic, and debilitating, similar to addiction.
I’ve started to work on my perfectionism, one messy piece at a time. In doing so, I finally understand (in my bones) the difference between perfectionism and healthy achieving. Exploring our fears and changing our self-talk are two critical steps in overcoming perfectionism. Here’s my example:
Like most women (including the hundreds I’ve interviewed and thousands I’ve talked to), I struggle with my body image, self-confidence, and the always-complicated relationship between food and emotions. Here’s the difference between perfectionism diets and healthy striving health goals:
Perfectionism self-talk – "I’m fat and ugly. I’m ashamed of how I look. I need to be perfect to be accepted and loved. I need to be different than I am right now to be worthy of loving-kindness."
Healthy Striving self-talk – "I want this for me. I want to feel better and be healthier. The scale doesn't dictate if I'm loved and accepted. Loving-kindness (my belief that I’m worthy of love and respect NOW) will support me through this. I want to figure this out for me. I can do this."
For me, the results of this shift were life changing. Perfectionism didn’t lead to results. It led to peanut butter.
In my research, I found that most people who struggle with perfectionism also struggle with being/feeling judgmental toward others. With perfectionism comes lots of either/or, black/white, good/bad, should/shouldn't thinking. Grey and maybe are too messy. We are often the most judgmental in the areas where we struggle the most with perfectionism. If being the perfect parent is our goal, we're quick to judge others. If looking perfect is important, we are often critical of other people's weight, dress, and general appearance. This judgment can extend to our children.
#2 Perfectionism is not “focusing on the best we can be.” Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and connection. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports, etc.). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. PLEASE. PERFORM. PERFECT. Healthy striving is self-focused, perfectionism is really “other-focused” – “what will they think?”
#3 Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is key to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism doesn’t lead to success. It’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis includes all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.
I don’t think some people are perfectionists and others are not. I think perfectionism is on a continuum. We all have some perfectionistic tendencies. For some, perfectionism may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. For others, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic, and debilitating, similar to addiction.
I’ve started to work on my perfectionism, one messy piece at a time. In doing so, I finally understand (in my bones) the difference between perfectionism and healthy achieving. Exploring our fears and changing our self-talk are two critical steps in overcoming perfectionism. Here’s my example:
Like most women (including the hundreds I’ve interviewed and thousands I’ve talked to), I struggle with my body image, self-confidence, and the always-complicated relationship between food and emotions. Here’s the difference between perfectionism diets and healthy striving health goals:
Perfectionism self-talk – "I’m fat and ugly. I’m ashamed of how I look. I need to be perfect to be accepted and loved. I need to be different than I am right now to be worthy of loving-kindness."
Healthy Striving self-talk – "I want this for me. I want to feel better and be healthier. The scale doesn't dictate if I'm loved and accepted. Loving-kindness (my belief that I’m worthy of love and respect NOW) will support me through this. I want to figure this out for me. I can do this."
For me, the results of this shift were life changing. Perfectionism didn’t lead to results. It led to peanut butter.
In my research, I found that most people who struggle with perfectionism also struggle with being/feeling judgmental toward others. With perfectionism comes lots of either/or, black/white, good/bad, should/shouldn't thinking. Grey and maybe are too messy. We are often the most judgmental in the areas where we struggle the most with perfectionism. If being the perfect parent is our goal, we're quick to judge others. If looking perfect is important, we are often critical of other people's weight, dress, and general appearance. This judgment can extend to our children.
SPOILER WARNING: IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE ENJOYING JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE, STOP READING HERE.
The research on jugdment tells us that we pick people to judge based on two criteria:
1. We judge in areas where we are vulnerable (to shame, perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy)
2. Then, we pick someone who is doing worse than we are.
So, the next time you're enjoying tearing someone apart (like we all can) and you remember this . . . you can thank me for taking the wind out of your judging sails. It really has been a judgment buzz kill for me. It's such a drag when it's really about my stuff.
The judgment piece makes sense – we can’t be compassionate toward others if we’re not compassionate with ourselves. If we can’t tolerate disappointing others or "not being everything to everyone," we can't tolerate it when other people disappoint and fail (including our children).
On the CD, I talk about this quote from Leonard Cohen's song Anthem: There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
It's too soon to tell with Charlie, but Ellen will have her work cut out for her. She’s the eldest of two first-born, rule-following, over-achieving children. Perfectionism courses through her veins. We have to work very hard to celebrate the light that shines through those cracks of imperfection.
I do believe, however, that things in our house are becoming brighter as I honor the natural cracks in life. Some of the small things I’m doing include:
I do believe, however, that things in our house are becoming brighter as I honor the natural cracks in life. Some of the small things I’m doing include:
2. Celebrating her mistakes and risk-taking. She was very embarrassed and worried when she got her first tardy at school. We had a “tardy party” that night. We didn’t celebrate being late, but we normalized it, and celebrated surviving it.
3. I rely on faking it until I make it when I have to. It's like practicing imperfection. For example, some friends dropped by a couple of weeks ago. Ellen said, “Mom! Don and Chrissy are at the door!” Our house was trashed and I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was thinking, “Oh no. Mom’s going to freak.” I said, “Just a second,” as I hurried to get dressed. She ran back to my room and said, “Do you want me to help pick up?” I said, “No, I’m just getting dressed. I’m so glad they’re here - what a nice surprise! Who cares about the house!” Then I put myself in a trance.
4. If we’re working on her homework, I’ll say, “It doesn’t need to be perfect, you just need to feel good about it.” Of course, one of the hardest things for me is posting this series without sending it to my editor. This is literally a woman I keep on retainer so I can shoot her my op-eds and other short pieces. I should probably record myself telling Ellen, “It doesn’t need to be perfect, you just need to feel good about it,” so I can play it when I’m working.
I learn so much from the wisdom and honesty of your comments and emails. I would love to know what you think about perfectionism. How do you let the light in?
Imperfectly yours,
Brené
I learn so much from the wisdom and honesty of your comments and emails. I would love to know what you think about perfectionism. How do you let the light in?
Imperfectly yours,
Brené